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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281537">A Year with You and the Blossoms Never Changed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastryPuff/pseuds/PastryPuff'>PastryPuff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, College, Coming of Age, Drama &amp; Romance, Family Drama, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:52:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>51,619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastryPuff/pseuds/PastryPuff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>KawoShin College AU. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The dull life of Ikari Shinji made it seem as if he was doomed to a mundane life. Then the unexpected happened. </p>
<p>A story about growing up and learning to love with all the angst of being 20 and in college. NGE but instead of the apocalypse, it's just the impending doom of adulthood and the fear of being forever alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ikari Shinji &amp; Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji &amp; Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Souryuu Asuka Langley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>168</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em><strong>"most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone"</strong></em>.</p><p>                                                             -Daughter, “Youth”</p><p> </p><p>A sheet of white blanketed the world outside. It was the first snow of the New Year that sweeped away the sorrows of the past year. To anyone else, it would have been serene, beautiful even. The stillness of the world undisturbed by humanity’s hubris, the snow covering the sins of those who dared to call themselves a superior being. However, to the boy staring blankly outside his bedroom window, it was nothing special.. He hated the way the world outside seemed to reflect the very void residing within him. How leeched of color he was. </p><p> </p><p>A shiver ran through the boy. He was beginning to sound like his father. Though, he supposed that he  had already resigned to the fact that some part of him already mirrored the shell of the man he had taken to calling ‘Father’ for 20 years. His existence alone had not been enough to keep his father’s attention tethered to him after his mother’s passing. Ultimately, the boy was just a remaining attachment to his mother’s spirit, an eyesore to his father that reminded him of what he had lost and would never gain back. </p><p> </p><p>And so, the boy had let the emptiness slowly take over, unsure of his meaning and worth, leading him to believe he’d never be worth anything to anyone. He would never exist for someone, never be someone’s reason for existing. He was there to be a compilation of matter--a bundle of nerves and muscles, bones and organs that had stumbled into the universe by pure chance. </p><p> </p><p>That was until another boy as gray as the world around him, blending as if he was nothing more than a part of the landscape, appeared. To most, he would appear unremarkable. He never applied himself to standing out, the only peculiar thing about him were his eyes. Blood red, seeping out a quiet storm that few ever seemed to catch. To some, he may have been a monstrosity. Unbeknownst to the boy pondering the cold world outside, the silver haired boy would light a fire in him, a deep and vivid shade of scarlet. </p><p> </p><p>But, of course, in the 3 AM stillness, all he had at the moment was the softly falling snow and the thoughts of his own dissatisfaction. Lapping over him, and consuming him like a cold, dark lake. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b> <em>i'm tired of the city// Scream if you're with me// If I'm gonna die, let's die somewhere pretty</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>                                         -Troye Sivan, “Take Yourself Home”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Harsh sunlight filtered through the window, and Shinji Ikari groaned. He dug himself deeper under the blankets, trying to cling on to the edges of sleep. </p><p>“Wake <em> up, </em>stupid!” Asuka Langley Sohryu’s piercing voice cut through his haze, as she brusquely ripped his blanket off, exposing him to the frigid air in his room. His eyes flickered open, and he stared up in the face of his childhood friend. </p><p> </p><p>“What time is it,” he mumbled. He had fallen asleep at nearly four and felt like he was put through a washing machine.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s 8:30! So hurry up and get dressed,” she barked. “I won’t have us be late on the first day back after holiday break.” </p><p> </p><p>Asuka tapped her foot impatiently, expecting him to shoot up immediately. Instead, he grasped at the covers again, snuggling back into position. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t have class until 11:00, leave me alone.” </p><p>“Well I want to go get breakfast on the way to campus, so wake up!” </p><p>“Can’t I just sleep in a little more and make breakfast, instead?” </p><p>“Don’t be lazy!” </p><p>“How is saving money by cooking lazy,” he retorted. But, he knew he had already lost the moment she woke him up. There was no arguing with her. Once her mind had been set, it was over for everyone. Exasperated, Shinji crawled out of bed, ignoring Asuka’s cries about his indecent appearance. </p><p> </p><p>“Of all the universities in Japan and Germany, we end up at the same one” he muttered under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, it’s not my fault you decided not to attend a lower ranked school,’ she huffed. Some things never changed, he supposed. She had been obsessed with being top of the class in high school, and even now that they were 20 years old, the obsession never faded. </p><p> </p><p>He blearily stumbled to the bathroom, brushing his teeth while still half asleep. As he washed his face, he caught himself staring at his reflection. He normally didn’t. In fact, he spent most of his time trying to <em> avoid </em>looking at himself, but he was still caught in that floating feeling from last night. The one that made him doubt even the existence of the ground beneath him. </p><p> </p><p> He splashed his face with some cold water before turning off the faucet. Asuka was waiting in the hallway outside the bathroom, looking at him expectedly. He trudged back into his room and changed into a lavender colored sweater and black pants. He was still tying a white scarf around his neck as he left his room, barely awake without coffee. He trailed after Asuka in the hallway and grabbed the keys off the kitchen countertop as they headed towards the front door of the two bedroom apartment they shared. </p><p> </p><p>“Did you leave these on the countertop again?” He asked as he threw on his black peacoat.</p><p>“How should I know,” Asuka retorted while lacing up her boots. </p><p>“Well I didn’t go out last night, and if you’re gonna take my keys, could you please put them back in the key holder? I don’t want to pay to replace another set.” Asuka rolled her eyes. </p><p>“You’re so uptight! I’m not going to lose the damn keys. Now come on and lock the door, we’re losing time.” Shinji cast a reproachful glance in her direction, but closed the door and locked it nonetheless. </p><p> </p><p>                                                                                                                                       ***</p><p>They walked down the road, the snow already brown and murky from the morning traffic. Shinji relished in the way the icy slush crunched under his boots. The sky was overcast, as if a storm would start at any moment. Funny how the magic of winter all but faded in the New Year. There was always a fuss about ‘New Year New Me’, but it’s not as if the clock struck midnight and all of a sudden a new version of you was born. No, he was still the same old Shinji, living the same old life. </p><p> </p><p>They rounded the corner to the convenience store and Shinji glanced at his watch. 9:15. And there was still the subway ride. </p><p> </p><p>“We should hurry Asuka,” he said. </p><p>“So you’re the boss of the trip now,” she asked and disappeared into the store. Shinji shook his head and sighed. What he would give to be at home with a hot bowl of miso soup. He slipped in the store, and wandered towards the back where the hot coffee was. He poured himself a cup, and grabbed a prepackaged bread. They left the store not five minutes later, rushing out to the train station. Shinji had chucked the bread into his bag, planning on eating it during class. But, as he stood on the platform edge waiting for his train, he gripped his coffee cup tightly, the burning heat slowly leaking feeling back into his frozen fingers. He took a sip of the bitter drink, a little too hot and burning his tongue, but he paid it no mind. The world was still moving in a haze around him, and the hot coffee was barely keeping him moving. </p><p> </p><p>Asuka stood by him impatiently, hopping from foot to foot. They had somehow picked up the same items, and while she accused him of copying her, it was a daily routine. Their tastes matched up quite well, even if their personalities seemed to always clash. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, the train <em> whooshed </em> by, stopping with a loud screech that broke the serenity of the morning. As the workers spilled out of the cars, the two slipped inside, taking their place by the exits so they could easily hop off once they got to the university. Shinji gripped his coffee tightly with one hand while the other clung to the handle. When the train lurched to a halt, the two kicked into gear. They bust out of the train car. Shinji had checked his watch. It was 10:20. At least he didn’t have to try to sprint to class. </p><p> </p><p>“Never doubt my powers of the pre-class breakfast,” Asuka proudly said as they made their way out of the crowded train station. Shinji shrugged and took another sip of coffee. </p><p> </p><p>“I never did--I doubt the powers of the train,” he replied dryly. Asuka stuck her tongue out at him. </p><p>“Whatever. If I hadn’t woken you up, you wouldn’t have even gone to class in the first place.”</p><p>“And is there anything wrong with that? I thought college was the prime of our youth.”</p><p>“You don’t have any friends to sign the attendance sheet for you,” Asuka smirked and Shinji pursed his lips, knowing she was right. </p><p> </p><p>                                                                                                                          ****</p><p>When they finally hit the university gates, the two parted ways. Asuka had her emphasis in biomedical engineering, while Shinji chose astronomy. For the first few semesters, the  their classes overlapped, and Asuka had always made it a point to be at the top of the class--despite the fact that nobody could care less. The professors had always been mildly impressed, staring over the rim of their thick glasses as they gave back exams while Asuka proudly gushed over herself in a room full of bleary young adults who didn’t care as long as they passed. But now that their specialties began to divide, Shinji found himself alone more and more often. His old trio from high school was now dissolved. Toji was at a vocational school, and Kensuke had enlisted in the military. </p><p> </p><p>He approached the gray brick building where most of his classes were held for the day. It was like a fortress, and despite the windows carved into it, there was still something overwhelmingly gloomy about it. As if all those following the career path were doomed to a life of dull isolation and no life outside of their work. But Shinji found solace in the neat lines and carefully planned layout. It brought order to his mind, peace to heart. He quite preferred the thought of making himself useful with work. As long as he was successful with his job, he would have some right to wander the lonely streets of his life. </p><p> </p><p>The classroom was beginning to fill up as Shinji chose an empty seat at the back of the room. He set his pack down next to him and began to rifle it, trying to find his iPod to play music. His fingers closed around the familiar cool metal exterior, the headphones still wrapped around it. He pulled it out, and tried to pull up a song to play, only to realize that the screen was not turning on. He had forgotten to charge it. Shinji tossed the device back into his backpack and let out a frustrated sigh. He sank forward onto his desk, his fingers tapping out a nondescript melody on the desk. It wasn’t the same as letting the soft bass beats and violin strings flood over him and carry his mind off, but it was enough to ground him and focus him. </p><p> </p><p>“You look rather troubled,” a cool voice said from above him. Shinji slowly raised his head, trying to source. Standing above him was a boy roughly his age, and slightly taller than him. He had a shock of silver hair sprouting out in all directions and the most entrancing red eyes Shinji had ever seen. They were a deep red, the color of blood seeping from a deep wound. He had the slightest whisper of a lazy smile on his face. There was nothing mocking about it, one could even say it wasn’t even amused, more like Shinji was an old friend of his he had finally been reunited with. Except Shinji had never met him. It was strange--he had been taking this class since the start of the semester and yet somehow he had never seen this elusive before. Had he been so isolated and stuck in his own head he hadn’t noticed such obvious things before? </p><p> </p><p>“Mind if I sit by you?” He continued, either not realizing or not caring that Shinji was gawking at him. </p><p>“Uh sure, it’s not like I own the place or something,” Shinji finally managed. The newcomer chuckled. It was an easy laugh, light and breathy. It warmed something in Shinji. He hadn’t said anything particularly funny, and the genuine nature of the laugh made Shinji feel as if he had unlocked a side to this mystery man that many never saw. He felt heat creep up in the back of his neck and up his ears. Embarrassed, Shinji looked away, deciding instead to shift over several inches to the left to give the boy space. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji resumed his position of slouching over the desk, tapping out his melody as he waited for the professor to breeze through and begin class. He saw no point in drawing out conversation with this perfect stranger, but something was tugging at him to reach out, to say something. He wasn’t even sure why, what fantasy was he trying to play out here?</p><p> </p><p>“What’s your name?” And so the stranger spoke again. </p><p>“Ikari Shinji,” he replied softly. “And you?” He hadn’t even bothered to lift himself to look at the boy as he spoke. </p><p>“Kaworu Nagisa. A pleasure to meet you Shinji. What’s your major?” </p><p>“Astronomy. Yours?” </p><p>“What do you think it is?” At this Shinji raised himself up, his posture straightening. He turned to look at Kaworu, eyebrows raised quizzically. </p><p>“Huh? What do you mean by that? No offense, but I don’t know you, I’m hardly in a position to judge.”</p><p>“Shinji, I think that’s the most you’ve said in a sentence thus far.”</p><p> </p><p> Shinji gaped at him, feeling like a fish out of water with the way that his jaw flapped up and down. He was fairly certain that Kaworu wasn’t trying to be mean to him--he was teasing him, like old friends would--despite being perfect strangers. But Kaworu’s silver tongue rendered Shinji’s own words useless. Luckily, he was saved from having to say anything by the professor swooping in and starting class with a sharp rap to the blackboard. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji let his gaze linger on Kaworu for just a moment longer. Kaworu, while he had turned back to the front, and lazily leaned back in his seat absolutely knew it. Shinji could tell by the Mona Lisa smile that quirked the sides of his mouth up. Shinji huffed and turned to the rest of the lecture. Two hours passed in a sleepy blur, Shinji’s notes were more of a front to keep him from being called out in class. Instead, his mind kept being drawn to his mysterious desk neighbor. </p><p> </p><p>Of course, when the bell rang releasing them from class, Kaworu seemed to dissipate into thin air. He closed his notebooks shut, haphazardly shoving them into his book back and slid out from the other end of the desk. Shinji had barely finished packing up his own things by the time the gray haired boy left. </p><p> </p><p>“Kaworu-” he called out after him. But it was fruitless. Kaworu’s silhouette was already leaving the door frame into the pale light of the hallways. He could recall more about his details--the gentle slope of his nose into his lips, the harsh curve of his chin and sharp jawline, than whatever the lecture had ended up being. Something about quantum mechanics. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning for slight descriptions of disassociation! </p>
<p>Happy New Years Eve (or New Years depending on your location). I'm really happy with how many hits this has racked up in just this week and all the feedback from friends has been making me so soft ;u; I'm so glad to be able to be able to create a project like this! Stay safe and stay home! Wishing you all a happy entrance 2021 and sending all of you good vibes &lt;3 </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-Puff</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>              <em><strong>  give me reasons we should be complete</strong></em></p>
<p>                                                -Joji, ‘Slow Dancing in the Dark’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For once, he found himself looking forward to attending class the next day. Although, even if Kaworu showed up, what was to drive him to sitting with Shinji? Even acknowledging his existence again seemed unlikely. So, needless to say, he was beyond shocked when Kaworu settled into the seat next to him in the back of the lecture hall, with the same comfort and knowing ease as when one settled into a couch in their living room. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Good morning Shinji,” he murmured in that soft cool voice of his. </p>
<p>“Hello Kaworu,” Shinji replied. “How are you?”<br/>“I am here, I am breathing, I suppose I cannot ask for more.” His answer was vague, but it resonated within Shinji, just like Kaworu’s entire personality. </p>
<p>“You never did tell me your major Kaworu.”<br/>“You never guessed.” Shinji scoffed and turned his attention back to the front of the classroom, his fingers tapping across his cheeks. He wasn’t really thinking about momentum, or Newton, or whatever the professor was droning on about. Majors, silver hair, and blood red eyes, was all his brain could focus on. </p>
<p>                                 ***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And thus the weeks passed through the rest of January. Kaworu somehow always showed up to sit next to Shinjii, and they always had their small chitchat. Shinji could never seem to ask the bigger questions, but Kaworu would always somehow initiate just enough of the right conversation at the right time. Somehow, their conversations always seemed to scratch at the surface, they weren’t necessarily discussing their opinions on the meaning of life or how the eventual downfall of humanity will occur (although, Shinji had an inkling that Kaworu would jump on the chance to discuss that, but 11:00 in the morning was hardly a time to even begin to discuss those topics). Despite that, their easy chit chatting washed over Shinji like a wave. He never felt like he had to try to impress Kaworu, or force the conversation to keep going. Whenever his words lulled, Kaworu knew how to keep them afloat.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took another week and a half before Shinji managed to gather the courage to ask Kaworu for his phone number. Class had ended and everyone had been scrambling to get out for their next class. Kaworu was already heading out, but Shinji called out to him, grabbing his wrist just before he whisked out of reach. Kaworu was...bemused. That was the best word to pin down his expression at that moment. Shinji swallowed nervously, felt his heartbeat in his chest. There was nothing wrong with what he was doing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> “Kaworu, would you like to exchange phone numbers?” There was a moment of silence.  “For homework,” he added hurriedly in his panic. The edges of Kaworu’s face softened, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled and nodded. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Give me your phone Shinji.” Shinji dug out his phone, and placed it in Kaworu’s open palm. Kaworu entered his phone number, and the speed at which his hands flew over the dial pad created a melodious flow of the keys. He pressed the closed phone back into Shinji’s hand. <br/>“I’ll see you around,” he said with a wave, and he breezed out of the room. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>The rest of the day, Shinji couldn’t help but anxiously fiddle with his phone. He didn’t want to be too eager with his response. He didn’t want to seem desperate, but if he had gotten Kaworu’s phone number and didn’t send a message that would be a waste of a conversation. Not that any conversation with Kaworu was a waste--but would it seem creepy then? Just hanging onto his phone number like that. Shinji frowned, a growl of frustration escaping his throat as he walked down the university paths to the entrance. The sun had begun to dip low in the horizon by the time he finally was able to go home, and he had spent the rest of the day after class stuck on how to message Kaworu. <br/><br/>I’m acting like a schoolchild. He thought to himself, a deep frown etched onto his face. I’m 20 years old, I need to grow up, right? I am just going to message him as soon as I get home tonight...after dinner. He resolved himself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The train ride home was bumpy and seemed to stretch forever. Sunset came early these days, and the brilliant spill of orange and pink over the horizon cast a hazy glow over the train car and everyone packed into it like sardines. Shinji himself was jostled side to side in his seat in between middle aged women. Office workers if he had to guess. He sent a silent prayer up above, grateful that this wasn’t the peak of summer when the sickly scent of sweat and sticky bodies pressed up against one another  created a humid suffocating atmosphere. Combined with the previous night’s snowfall, the already cold weather got even colder as the sun dipped below the sky, and the heat of all the bodies made things bearable. Sometimes it made Shinji feel more aware of his surroundings. He felt more alive, knowing there were dozens of hearts, eyes, lungs, vessels, and muscles alongside him all experiencing this moment. But sometimes, he’d find himself floating off into space, feeling isolated and singled out, Everyone around him was a simulation, and he was a robot going through the motions, preprogrammed with reactions and dialogue. There had been times where he was certain the ground beneath his feet would spill out if he tried to step on it, or that he was behind a two way mirror, where he could see everyone but nobody could actually see him, or acknowledge his existence. This evening, he was caught somewhere between the two, trying to wire his brain to focus on Kaworu, and messaging Kaworu, and imagining Kaworu’s reactions to his messages. He had a goal he needed to accomplish and that’s all he needed to focus on for now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji wasted no time in clambering out the train car when it finally screeched to a halt at the station by his house. Dusk was strong in its hold over the study, dark purple and gray coloring the sky as he unlocked the apartment door and stumbled in. He kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the couch. He noticed Asuka’s weren’t there yet--she must have had to stay late at school. Not that she would tell that to him, because she rarely seemed to care enough to communicate these things. The only exception being when she went out drinking. Not that you could do anything but if I went missing or something and couldn’t woo my attacker into love you should notify the police she would holler out. </p>
<p>Shinji stared at the ceiling fan above him, letting himself get mesmerized by the crumbling popcorn ceiling. Dinner, study, then Kaworu. Kaworu, study, dinner? Study, Kaworu dinner...Study Kaworu over dinner,, he felt the heat in his face as his mind wandered and thoughts he didn’t feel were...appropriate began to propagate in his head. He heaved himself off the couch. <br/><br/>“Go make some dinner you perv,” he chastised himself aloud. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***<br/>Shinji toyed with the phone in his hands, the curry he made for dinner quickly growing colder. He had sent a brief message to Asuka, who still wasn’t home. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Made curry left the pot on the stove. There. Now she couldn’t grumble about not being fed, or Shinji not doing his fair share or whatever. He impatiently sat through dinner, spooning the steaming curry into his mouth so fast he barely tasted it. Only the pain from the hot food, and the faint remnants of spices simmering on his tongue. He washed his bowl and shuffled into his room, throwing himself on his bed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He opened a new text conversation, punching in Kaworu’s contact information. He took a deep breath. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Hi. It’s Shinji.  He closed his eyes and pressed his phone to his chest, feeling the agony of each second tick by. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long. Barely two minutes had gone by when he felt his phone vibrate. His eyes flew open and he immediately turned over onto his side. He felt tingly right through the tips of his fingers as excitement that he couldn’t quite place rushed through him. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Shinji, hello. It’s lovely to hear from you.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sorry it took so long...I wasn’t trying to ignore you or play a joke. Busy day!</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Of course, of course. I hope you had a good rest of your day? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Yes, it wasn’t bad. I got through my lectures..and you?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Mirroring you, it was not terrible. Shinji was typing out his response when another response from Kaworu came in. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m very happy you messaged me, Shinji. He froze. Slightly taken back by Kaworu’s words, he considered his next words carefully. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Me? Why? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You’re my friend Shinji, and talking to you makes me happy. Does there need to be a further reason? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I...well I’m not necessarily anything special don’t you think? </em>
</p>
<p><em>Shinji, let me ask you this. Are there any other versions of you?</em> Shinji frowned, trying to puzzle out Kaworu’s cryptic line of thought. After several moments he settled on: </p>
<p>
  <em>Not that I’m aware of...although I am not sure how that relates to this conversation. </em>
</p>
<p><em>Because, Shinji, there are no other copies of you. Thus, that renders you unique. Nobody can do ‘you’ better than yourself, making the fact that you exist and this version of you exists completely and utterly unique</em>. Shinji read and reread that message several times. Even in writing, Kaworu was just as poetic as his spoken word. He was about to write a reply message when he heard the front door crashing open. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“God FUCKING dammit!” So Asuka came home. He sighed, as his peaceful night was disrupted. <br/>“Welcome home Asuka!” He called out from his room. He heard her storm past his door, the walls of the apartment rattling as she slammed it shut full force. Shinji rubbed his hand with his face. He swung his legs off the bed, heaving himself up, leaving his phone in his sheets. He padded out into the hall and knocked on Asuka’s door. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wanna talk about it? </p>
<p>“No! Fuck off!” She growled from inside. He frowned, but then shrugged, turning around to head back into the refuge of his room. However, there was a click and the familiar squeak as the door hinged open. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you want tea?” he offered as she opened the door wider. She shook her head, and he wordlessly came in. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What happened?” He asked as he stepped into her room. Despite Asuka’s loud personality, her room was surprisingly simple. The walls were bare with the bed in one corner, her desk by the door, and a bookshelf. It was messy, with loose papers sticking out of old textbooks, and books stacked vertically after the horizontal lines were filled. It was the messiest part of her room. While she lived in this apartment, and had had this room for well over a year now it wasn’t lived in. There was something reminiscent of her teenage years, when she moved around constantly, never settling in one place long enough to call it her home. It wasn’t until she came to Japan for high school and met Shinji that she had somewhere to call her own, but even then Shinji could see the hesitancy still lingering. He slipped into the rolling chair at the desk as she plopped herself down on the bed. Now that he could see her up close, he could see the bits of mascara clumping and falling under her eyes--they were red, too. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Asuka…” he said softly. She didn’t say anything for a moment. Only their breaths filled the space until she finally opened her mouth to speak. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t care what other people think...I don’t. But fuck, Shinji. I don’t want…” she took a shaky breath as her voice trailed off. “I don’t want to just be tossed aside. You’d think by now they’d have chosen me for a fellowship or internship or just something.” She pressed the heels of her hand in her eyes, and Shinji shifted uncomfortably in his seat. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I guess you got rejected from another application,” Shinji asked, trying to pry the information from her. She nodded slowly. </p>
<p>“I mean I know this isn’t the end of the world,” she murmured. “But it’s frustrating. I’m used to being the best. I won’t just fade into the background, but lately it’s been feeling like the more I push forward, the more the universe pushes back. Equal and opposite reaction, right?”</p>
<p>“Well...it’s only natural that at some point someone comes along in this world and is better than you, right? I mean, there are billions of people on this earth, and you’re never going to be the ultimate person at anything. But that’s okay, that doesn’t mean you’re any less impressive Asuka. You can just use it as fuel for yourself.” Shinji chose his words carefully, not wanting to agitate his friend any further. He was waiting for the blow up, but to his surprise, she just slumped back in her chair and ran a hand through her red hair. She exhaled, before groaning dramatically. </p>
<p>“Don’t go dropping wisdom on me like you’re some wise ass guru Shinji Ikari.”  He shrugged. </p>
<p>“I’m just offering friendly advice...as your friend...I wasn’t trying to overstep bounds.” She crossed her arms and gave him a hard stare. </p>
<p>“I guess you can say some half decent shit at times.” Through her ruined makeup, and puffy eyes, Asuka cracked a smile, and that ever present fire sparked within her again. Shinji relaxed. She’d be okay. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji wasn’t sure how long he’d been with Asuka by the time he went back to his room. Maybe 15 minutes. After he had tried to comfort her and calmed her down a bit, they had just sat and talked about their day. It was nice, soothing in a way. He very purposefully left out Kaworu and the fact that they had been texting prior, but their small chit chat was completely different than any dynamic they had had in the past. Maybe they really had grown up and college had changed them, but it was easier to not bicker with Asuka as much (or at least not as much as they used to). But some part of him had chalked it up to the fact that somebody new had entered his sphere. Somebody who hadn’t known him in high school or going as far back as middle school. He just knew Shinji for the version of himself he was now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji fell back down onto his bed, and felt something hard under his back. He reached underneath and felt his fingers close around the metal of his phone. His eyes widened as he remembered that he never responded to Kaworu. He flipped it open, desperate to make sure he didn’t miss anything big. There was only one more message. Sent several minutes after Kaworu’s message assuring Shiinji of his uniqueness. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>...I hope that was not too forthcoming, Shinji. I only wish for you to see the value in yourself.</em> Immediately, Shinji’s fingers were a flurry on the keypad. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Ah, I apologize Kaworu! I didn’t mean to disappear after you sent me such kind words….</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>My roommate came home and wanted to talk and I left my phone in my room. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Truly, I was grateful to hear them, and it’s nice to know somebody can see the value even if rusty things like me : ) </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Not even a minute went by before the response popped up on his screen. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Your roommate? Well I hope he’s okay. </em>
</p>
<p><em>She.</em> Shinji responded. <em>And yes, she’s okay.</em> There was a longer pause between messages and Shinji couldn’t help but begin to worry. Had he said something wrong? Was Kaworu about to think ill of him? And then, his phone buzzed. </p>
<p><em>She? Interesting. If you don’t mind me being so outright, are you two dating?</em> Immediately, Shinji felt the heat rise in his face, his ears turning red as he began to get flustered. Him and Asuka hadn’t...well not since high school--but that was bred from desperation and pressure. From being young and hormonal and not wanting to be alone as everyone else was together. Shinji and Asuka had sort of ended up always sticking around each other and everyone had even said it was a matter of time, so they sort of went along with it. It had ended disastrously too, so they had both settled on the fact that they’d rather be friends after that experience. </p>
<p><em>No no no! We..sorry if I gave you that impression. We’re old friends and ended up going to the same university and just sort of stuck together. We tried once in high school and it was a mess and so no no I’m rambling even over text but Kaworu we aren’t dating.</em> He hit send, putting the back of his hand over his eyes, as he curled in on himself.</p>
<p><em>How presumptuous of me. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable or dragged up unpleasant memories Shinji.</em> He read and reread that message several times. </p>
<p>
  <em>You’re so formal Kaworu. Your eloquence transfers to your writing. But luckily, that portion of the past doesn’t seem to haunt me as much. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I am glad to hear that. Thank you for the compliments. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Time began to slip away after that. The lights were off in his room, and so only the slivers of moonlight streaming in from the shafts of the blinds illuminated the space, casting a pale glow over Shinji and his bed. It was serene, and for the first time in a while, he felt something akin to peace. He could’ve stayed like that forever, drowning in the sheets of his bed, knowing that someone on the other end of the city, was on the other line of his phone, willingly keeping him company. And he did stay like that. At least he did until he finally nodded off, the heavy calls of sleep dragging him under as his eyes fluttered closed late into the night, hinging on the early morning hours, once Kaworu finally wished him good night and Shinji did the same. </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>and I know I don’t say anything//but I feel everything</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>                                                                  -Saint Motel, “Save Me”</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One day, as the frigid stillness of January shifted towards the blustering winds of February, Shinji found himself at the department late into the evening. There was a project that he had to finish, finals season was coming in on everyone, and having a moment to breathe or sleep was a luxury. But tonight was brutal--even Asuka had beat him home. She had sent him a text message a few hours back, announcing the fact that she was home and he would have to make dinner for himself. He’d probably end up buying ramen or something. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji was sitting alone in an empty classroom. Every noise echoed throughout the building--he was one of the only ones left in the space. Several other stressed students, pulling out their hair, were scattered about. Illuminated by the flickering fluorescents with the clock ticking down on his deadlines, he was still unable to focus. He thought about moving to the library at some point, and he would once the custodians would lock up the building. For now, he absentmindedly tapped his pencil against his paper, his notebooks spread out all in front of him, and the textbook cracked open. He should really try to pay more attention in class, but Kaworu somehow managed to take up so much more of his thoughts.  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Just that morning, Shinji had been trying to pay attention in lecture when his phone buzzed. He snatched it up in confusion, not seeing Kaworu’s mischievous grin. What he did see, however, was a text from Kaworu. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Who’s going to tell the professor his toupee is crooked? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shinji furrowed his brow and squinted from his seat in the back. His jaw hinged open the slightest bit, and he clapped a hand over his mouth, swallowing the laugh bubbling up in his throat. Kaworu was right. The professor, despite his thick, bushy beard, was balding at the top. And despite appearing to have a full head of hair, Shinji could see the edges of the hair curling up, revealing the shiny bald head, just like a cue ball. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em><span>Should...somebody tell him?</span></em> <span><br/></span><em><span>Goodness, no. Why would we?</span></em><em><span><br/></span></em><em><span><br/></span></em><span>At this, Shinji let a snicker escape. Even Kaworu, despite his reserved demeanor, had a mischievous streak, sometimes. It was a simple thing, but it was warming. Kaworu wasn’t perfectly composed, was he? He wasn’t some perfect angel sent to Shinji. No, he was just a 20 year old boy, who sometimes acted like a dick, just like everybody else. And in a way, it made Shinji feel better about himself. He didn’t feel as guilty for his own wandering thoughts, for sometimes just being angry at the world and not wanting to be polite. It was something he sometimes forgot. He didn’t have to be perfect. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The clock struck 8, and he could hear the university bells echoing out through campus. The pleasant daydreams of that morning faded and he was stuck with his present reality of a half finished project. Shinji slammed his head against his desk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Focus!</span>
  </em>
  <span> He willed himself. And he let the minutes drag on as he forced himself to scratch out more answers, more equations. Every second he wasted was a second longer that he had to sit here. He lost himself in the lull of the workflow, only to be dragged out not 30 minutes later by his phone buzzing. Shinji lifted his phone and flipped it open. A single text from Kaworu. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Look outside. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He furrowed his brows, trying to figure out what this message could mean. He pushed back his chair, rising from his seat. Shinji trotted over to the window in the room he was working in and peered out the window. Faint fingerprints marks stained the window, and Shinji added his own to the array as he pressed his hands and nose to the window. He squinted, trying to catch a glimpse of...well he wasn’t sure what he was trying to spot. Some glimpse of something that could be a hint of Kaworu. He glanced, back and forth, peering hard enough until his eyes burned, but he felt nothing but the twinge in his heart. There was nothing there, and he couldn’t quite tell where the disappointment stemmed from. There wasn’t anything magical about staying late at school to do homework. He trudged back over to the desk and grabbed his phone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There’s nothing there, Kaworu? Sorry if I’m a bit dense and missed something. </span>
  </em>
  <span> Not even a moment went by when a new reply popped up on his screen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Look out the windows in the main hallway. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And before Shinjii could even question what was happening, he felt his body running out the room, fingers still tightly gripping the phone, and towards the main hallway, which was lined with windows that let in sunlight during the day. Shinji himself up against the glass, scanning the grounds in front of the stone building for a sign. And there he was. He was dressed nearly in all black, his hands shoved into the pockets of his double breasted coat, his plum colored scarf wrapped around him, all in stark contrast against his silvery gray hair. It fell soft as snow around his cheeks, sticking up in the back. Even from this distance, Shinji could see Kaworu’s lazy smile, and even the mischievous twinkle in those deep red eyes of his, pools of mystery that begged to be drowned in. When he saw Shinji staring at him agape, he drew out a hand from his coat pocket and waved up at him. Shinji threw the window open and stuck his head out in the cruel winter air, paying no mind to the blast of cold air that assaulted him as excitement and shock ran through his veins. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kaworu?!” He cried out in surprise. “What are you doing here? No wait, rather how did you know I was here?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just come down here!” He chortled. Shinji chewed at his lip for a moment before slamming the window shut without another word. He ran back to the room and threw his stuff haphazardly into the bag, before stampeding down the stairs and bursting out the main entrance, rushing over the icy ground towards Kaworu. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello Shinji,” he greeted the breathless and panting boy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kaworu, how did you even know I was here?” Shinji asked in between gasps. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well I figured you’d be procrastinating the project you had to do, and I already checked the library and you weren’t there. So I came around here, and my suspicions were confirmed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose that’s logical enough. But what are you doing here so late?” Kaworu simply shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m a university student as well, aren’t I? I had my own work that I needed to finish up. But there’s something I really want to show you, so come on. Follow me.” Shinji crossed his arms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now? Is it really that urgent?” He wasn’t sure why he was being so reluctant. After all, it wasn’t every night you were cooped up in a work room when a boy came outside the building to drag you on a mystery adventure. But his assignment was so close to being finished and he was tired and hungry and --’”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. Now. After all there’s no time like the present, especially when you don’t know if you’ll see the future.” Shinji cocked his head to the side, confused. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was rather cynical,” he muttered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s pragmatic,” was all Kaworu said, before turning around and walking towards central campus, expecting Shinji to follow. And he did. Clutching his back, and rubbing his mittenless hands together for warmth, Shinji caught up to Kaowru, matching their strides and he quietly followed Kaworu across the campus. The lampposts scattered about glowed dimly with their faded orange light, flickering in out. There weren’t many students out and about this time of night, and especially in this weather. Despite the freezing cold air, Shinji felt as if this silence was creating a heavy awkwardness that drowned the atmosphere--although Kaworu said nothing, and seemed to pay no mind to their silence. There was a knowing smile on his face. A Mona Lisa concealing a thousand mysteries. Shinji grasped at words that weren’t there, trying to find some way to fill the silence, but his train of thought was cut short as they stopped in front of one of the more modern buildings on campus. Giant glass panelling covered the three story building, and recessed lighting flooded the hallways so brightly, that from the outside, it looked like every story made a house of light--as if the moment you stepped foot onto the laminated wooden flooring, you would be swathed in a gentle halo of pale light. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The music building?” Shinji questioned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come, Shinji,” Kaworu said. And he walked up to the locked door, where a keypad served as locked protection for the building. Kaworu punched in a number and threw the door open, holding it for Shinji. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well? Are you just going to stand there?” Kaworu edged Shinji along. He hesitated for a moment longer before slipping inside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are we doing here?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Just follow me,” Kaworu reassured him. He followed Shinji inside, the door echoing behind them with a resounding thud. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji gazed around in wonder as he followed Kaworu through the brightly lit hallway.  He had never actually been inside the building before--he had no reason to. Kaworu had stepped ahead, leading Shinji down the hallways with assurance. It was clear he had been here before. From what Shinji could figure out, the building was empty. It seemed as if the only noises came from their boys’ breathing and the clicking of their shoes on the laminated flooring. Kaworu kept them on the first floor, but he had led them to the back, where they stopped in front of two large double doors. It was one of the bigger rooms--Shinji could tell just by comparing the door frames. It was the largest one in the hallway. Kaworu flung the doors open, the rush of cool air blowing over Shinji, and causing goosebumps to rise on his arms. He peered inside, anticipation biting at him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a massive space. There were three windows, and green plants framed them. Foam blocks padded the walls, with folding chairs leaning against them. All of it served to highlight the masterpiece at the center of the room. The shining black grand piano. It glittered spectacularly, and even from the entrance the ivory keys were pristine and were stark against the blacks. He wasn’t sure how used the piano was, but it was immaculately maintained. Kaworu breezed into the room, and set himself down on the cushioned black bench. He patted the empty space next to him, his face bemused at Shinji’s wonderment and confusion. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come, sit down.” Shinji hesitated for a moment, awkwardly standing in the doorframe, but complied once Kaworu patted the seat a little more firmly. He shuffled in, awkwardly scooting himself onto the seat, hanging onto the edge. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t bite,” Kaworu said. It was so soft that it was almost swallowed by the still air. There was an intensity to his gaze, something that scared Shinji. Not because it was malicious, but because of the way desire dripped from him. It was brimming at the surface of his eyes, and beyond it something deeper--something indecipherable. There was no hiding under the scrutiny of his gaze. Yet, he felt as if here, in the solitude of the empty music building, there was no need to hide. There was no world to judge him here, and he was certain that even if he tried to hide any secret, Kaworu would be able to see right through him, and it would all be laid bare. Shinji scooted closer, swallowing nervously as he realized just how </span>
  <em>
    <span>close </span>
  </em>
  <span>they were. His hands rested on his lap, fingers digging into his thighs. There was no space for him to set them down on the bench--the slightest movement in either Kaworu or himself  would cause their thighs to rub up against one another. The sheer thought of it caused the tips of Shinji’s ears to burn red. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kaworu, why did you bring me here?” Shinji asked while staring very intently at the gaps between the keys on the piano. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You never did guess my major,” Kaworu replied. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then he rolled his shoulders back and played the first notes. His elegant fingers danced across the blacks and white as if he was cutting through water. He swayed to the song, his body leaning in as the decrescendos fell in and he drew back, elegantly as ever as the piece swelled to a forte. When Shinji looked over, Kaworu’s eyes were closed, and there was a peaceful smile on his face. He was absorbed in the music--in the performance. As his hands swept up the keyboard, Shinji could feel the faint tickle of Kaworu’s strands of hair, silky and soft as they brushed against his cheek. He could feel the whispers of Kaworu’s exhales on his cheek every time the boy drew near, the bump of his shoulder against Shinji, and every slight jostle and breath  made Shinji feel electric. Kaworu was angelic--the light cascading down his hair, the shadows crossing his face, every tendon and muscle was poised and graceful. Every note played was precise and perfect. Shinji felt like his own body was ticking in tune with the rhythm. Finally, the last chords were played, the final note held, and Kaworu drew his hands back from the instrument, turning to face Shinji, and slowly opening his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nocturne. Opus 9, Number 2. Chopin.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was perfect...beautiful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Shinji. That’s kind of you to say.” And he was almost...shy of it? He was someone who was clearly self assured in his own ability to play, but not one to hear compliments on it. “Have you figured it out?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your major?” A nod in response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well I suppose piano, playing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Close. Music composition.” Shinji perked up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should play me one of your pieces, then! Not that this wasn’t absolutely gorgeous and I’m honored to have even heard you play,” Shinji said, trying to backtrack over any blunder. Kaworu chuckled softly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe one day. Do you play any instruments?” Shinji rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I played cello when I was younger. I never really stuck to it? I was never good enough to see it through.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good enough for whom?” And to Shinji’s shock, Kaworu reached down and delicately took Shinji’s hand, placing it upon the keys. It was cold, and larger than his own, but it was comforting. Shinji was sure Kaworu could see the blush that colored his face, and waited in dread for the moment he would laugh and ask Shinji why his heart was loud enough to be a drum line, but the musician said nothing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Play with me, Shinji. “</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But I don’t know how--”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Just press these two keys at the same time on the beat, okay? You’re a cellist, you know rhythm, and you clearly listen to enough music to understand basic mechanics.” And Kaworu gently and slowly drew Shinji’s fingers apart, placing them so that his index finger rested on a white key and his middle on a black key. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“D and F sharp. And a one and a two,” and Kaworu began to play once more. A slower piece, based on arpeggios and scales running up and down, and Shinji did as he was told. He was easily able to match Kaworu, and while he was nowhere near as relaxed, he found himself enjoying the moment, disappointed even the slightest bit when Kaworu ended. Shinji let his hands fall back in his lap. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A musician still lives in you,” Kaworu quipped. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m nowhere near as good as you though.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But why is that something to be ashamed of? I have dedicated my life to this, as you have to the workings of planets and stars and the solar system. My strength does not diminish yours. And you can always grow your strength by continuing to practice music.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kaworu leaned back, and Shinji absentmindedly pressed a key over and over, it’s dull echo completely different. He was certain moments like these only happened in movies, and last he checked he wasn’t a movie star. With a sigh he turned back to his friend. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for this Kaworu. It was...much needed.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course. I figured you could use a break.” Shinji let a smile bloom onto his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I should get going then. I still have homework to finish,” he murmured after a minute or two. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course Shinji. I’ll walk you out.” And this time, while their footsteps still echoed, the ghostly emptiness of the building could still be felt, Shinji felt a little less alone. He had gotten the door to Kaworu’s life to crack open just the slightest bit, and a technicolor warmth had begun to trickle into Shinji’s own life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p> <span>***</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re different lately, you know?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not as mopey.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Asuka and Shinji were eating dinner together that night. It was Friday night, about a week after Kaworu took Shinji to the music building. The roommates had barely seen each other, each holed up in their respective libraries and buildings, desperately trying to study for exams, write papers, and survive the semester. Even his communication with Kaworu had died down, the magical night was but an ephemeral memory, as Kaworu was put into crunch time with his own homework as well. Shinji picked over his bowl of </span>
  <em>
    <span>donburi</span>
  </em>
  <span>, holding a thin slice of beef in his chopsticks. He hadn’t divulged to Asuka any details of Kaworu and he absolutely made sure to not let her know that that night he hadn’t stayed in the astronomy building to do homework. He had no interest in dealing with snide remarks or teasing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Asuka took a long sip of the open can of beer by her food, her gaze brushing over Shinji. Ever since she had turned 20 the month before, her habits became more and more like an old friend of theirs who had watched over them when they were in high school. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you hiding?” Shinji sighed, chewing thoughtfully on his food. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m not hiding anything,” he lied. It’s not like he had to share every detail of his life with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ever since we came back to school after the holidays you’re actually interested in going to class, and I can sometimes hear you laughing in your room, and you’re not dragging your feet as much around everywhere. People don’t just magically change overnight. So. What happened?” Shinji just shrugged in response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine. Be that way,” Asuka huffed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a new friend,” he said carefully. She perked up, looking him over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He said firmly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow. Platonic relationships really change people, don’t they,” Asuka said dryly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They can and they do. And that’s as far as I’ll say.” Asuka narrowed her eyes at him, before deciding that his answer was satisfactory and she was okay with dropping it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got some calls for interviews,” she said veering the conversation in a different direction. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good for you Asuka,” he said in all sincerity. She looked smug, happy to receive the compliments. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well of course it all worked out in the end,” she scoffed, reassuring herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Isn’t that what I told you from the start?” He grumbled. Asuka took another long sip of her beer. That’s another thing that hadn’t changed over the years. She would never admit when she was in the wrong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>The moonlight is a little less lonely tonight, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shinji thought to himself as he lay in bed. The whispers and shouts, the grumbles and moans of the wind and the world whirling outside slipped in through the cracked open window, bursting the bubble of his room, reminding him that he wasn’t living on an isolated planet. The green digits on the clock blinked and turned into 2:00. He had not talked to Kaworu that evening, but still, even as insomnia lingered, his brain running too fast to sleep even if his eyelids dragged down, he lulled himself into calm with a familiar rhythm. On the tangled bedsheets and across the twisted blankets, Shinji kept tapping out the Chopin piece Kaworu had played for him. He had searched through so many renditions through YouTube, and couldn’t bring himself to like any of them. They all echoed dully in comparison to the spell Kaworu cast on him when they were in the music room night. Even now, as he tapped out the melody with his fingers, the song playing through his headphones was some older city pop song, tuned down and barely audible. It served more as white noise than anything. He scrolled through his older conversations with Kaworu--from the top, back down, from the top and back down again. He didn’t want to message him and risk waking him up. Or, have Kaworu wake up in the morning and see pathetic messages reeking of desperation that Shinji had sent at ungodly hours. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He hated the way that his heart skipped a beat and his stomach did a flip every time Kaworu looked toward him, smiled at him, even just the way he said his name. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shinji.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It rolled off his tongue and sounded like sugar. Of course, he could never admit that. Because what if he just completely misconstrued everything about him? But he was magnetic and greeted everything that came his way with an open mind. It was refreshing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji rubbed at his eyes. Asuka wasn’t wrong, he had changed in a way. But was it for the better? He curled in on himself a little tighter, feeling the familiar weight sinking down on his chest. Attachment never ended well. Attachment that stemmed from unwarranted fantasies ended even more poorly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Am I getting too comfortable? </span>
  </em>
  <span>The echoing question that had been plaguing rung through him, reminding him of how refreshing it felt to not have that well of loneliness..of emptiness eating away and constantly eating away at him. He was scared to lose Kaworu, to lose that feeling of excitement each morning that he felt when the sun hit his face and was reminded that he would get to see Kaworu. The way that his conversations with the other boy would extend long into the night, and how those stolen glances at his screen and those hidden smiles only Kaworu knew the origin of made him feel like he belonged somewhere. He clung to it like a lifeline in the rocky sea of growing up, of entering adulthood and watching your world be flipped upside down as everyone seemed to grow up and grow apart. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how much longer he remained awake. Consciousness and alertness slowly separated and though he could not remember falling asleep, he was not aware of his body being awake when he woke up as the morning rays hit his face. He leaned over and checked his clock. 6:30 AM. There was no way Asuka would be awake. He untangled himself from his headphones, the music player dead from running all night. Shinji sat up, rubbing his face. His room was freezing--he hadn’t shut it before he drifted off, and the already  cold morning was bitter on his tired body. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again if he tried--if what he just woke up from could be considered sleep. He felt just as tired, if not more exhausted than a few hours prior. Shinji swung his legs out of bed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As quietly as he could, he went and washed his face, and brushed his teeth. He stared at himself again in the mirror. Not helped by the fact that he was bone tired, he felt his brain and body start to seperate, as if his very soul was beginning to whirl down the sink drain. Zombie-like, he stumbled back to his room, somehow managing to change into a cream colored sweater and pants, tossing over a light grey pea coat and a scarf the color of pale daffodils. He crept out the apartment, shoving his feet into his winter boots and locked up behind him. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He wasn’t conscious enough to feel just how cold it was outside. Instead, he focused on putting one foot in front of the other, gaze focused on the cracks between the concrete, where dead weeds were blossoming out and lining the pavement. Shinji remembered being fifteen, sixteen and feeling like this. The way the counselor referred to it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Low Day. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sometimes he didn’t need an explanation or an excuse for feeling this way. Sometimes, bad days happened for no particular reason. He knew that, but that didn’t stop him from getting frustrated. Especially after his conversation with Asuka from the previous evening. Soft morning rays dappled his path, and he hopped between them, trying to soak up any warmth. There was no direction to his wandering, he just hoped that if he walked around long enough, he’d come back home feeling more like himself.  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Shinji walked the streets alone for the most part. The lone car would rumble by, and shopkeepers began to open doors, the sleepy Saturday world stirring awake a little more slowly than on a weekday. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and for a moment thought about reaching for it. It could have been Asuka wondering where he had gotten off to, but a moment later, he realized he couldn’t be bothered and held off on it. He sighed, heavily. He had begun to wander up a more steep slope, the road climbing up and up. Sunlight began to get brighter, and soon enough, even the few birds began to chirp awake. The world was slowly breathing back to life, so shouldn’t he? As he climbed up the hill, the sounds of the world quieted down, and he relished the silence he found once more. Sometimes being alone didn’t mean he was lonely, but sometimes on days like today he craved being alone, so he could be lonely. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a bus stop at the top of the hill. A small wooden bench stood by the pole announcing the stop, and he settled down onto it. Nobody was there yet, and for a brief moment, he felt like a wandering king--alone on top of his hill of isolation. It felt...pleasant? Nothing chaining him down and nobody constantly begging for something from him--wanting and taking more and more until he was picked apart to the bone. Was that the right word? He felt his eyelids grow heavy, the lack of sleep from the night before was finally catching up to him. Shinji fingers twitched beside him, distantly he felt himself trying to force himself up, but his thoughts had slowed down and his brain and body caught up with each other. Slowly, gently, he let himself be pulled into the soft expanse of sleep, the sunlight up above slowly spreading over him. 5 minutes wouldn’t hurt, right?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji jolted awake at the sound of his phone’s ringing. He scrambled for it, barely catching it as it almost slipped out of his numbed fingers and tumbled to the ground. He blinked the sticky sleep from his eyes, trying to make out the blurry numbers on his screen, instead opting to just answer it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello,” he answered with his raspy voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you’re out, we need milk.” It was Asuka, already awake and kicking this early in the morning-- wait was it still morning? He pulled the phone away from his ear, checking the time. 8:26. It couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes since he passed out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh..shit yeah I can pick some up on the way home,” he muttered in response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where did you even go? It’s too early in the morning to be doing shit.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I went for a walk.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hmph. Okay then. Well I want my coffee and I want to make cookies so hurry up.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Get them yourself. I’m not a butler,” he retorted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re already out, aren’t you?” And then the line went dead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji stared at his phone for a few seconds before pocketing it. He shoved his hands in his pocket and stood up, shuffling back down the hill the way he came. He was surprised when not even five minutes after his first phone call with Asuka, his phone began to shudder and buzz with the noise of an incoming call. He looked at the caller ID, and his blue eyes lighting up with the color of the morning sky, excitement thrumming through his veins in a steady beat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kaworu! Hello!” He exclaimed, voice bubbling over with excitement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning,” the warm voice on the other line replied. “How are you?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m okay, and you?” Kaworu chuckled. Shinji felt his heart leap in his throat at the sound. It was brown sugar burning away into caramel, piping hot tea slipping down your throat, hot and sweet and full. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sound out of breath,” he said in a lilting tone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“H-huh? O-oh haha, I just..went for a small walk!” He stammered. It was a simple question with a simple truth, but even just imagining Kaworu sitting at his kitchen table, a cup of coffee in his hands, in his pajamas sent him into a flurry. Did he wear pajamas? Sleep in the nude? Was Kaworu just sitting in underwear, his pale skin sculpted and curving and sloping--” he could feel the bright heat up to the tips of his years and down to the base of his Adam’s apple. Shinji furiously patted at his face, trying to get the cool air to return his skin to its normal hue. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, one of those nights then?” Shinji clutched at his phone. He had mentioned his insomnia to Kaworu at one point, the way the dark thoughts whirling around inside could tumble outside and overtake the night. Kaworu hadn’t judged him. Instead, his response had been swift and understanding--same as all of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>You don’t have to hide from yourself. </span>
  </em>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It still rang out to the brown haired man, the one quick message in a long conversation pinned to the forefront of his brain. He had someone right in front of him, telling him not to worry about molding himself to a certain standard, but it was unsettling to say the least to not constantly try to show a side of himself that wasn’t at least partially an act. His whole life, Shinji felt as if he was always trying to fit other’s perceptions of him, trying to attain this unreachable standard of other people’s abstracts notions of him, and somewhere along the way he lost sight of his own true self and the vessel of Ikari Shinji was just a blank tableau for others to project on. And here came along Kaworu, this silver haired man who was the living, breathing version of an enigma, telling Shinji he wasn’t interested in any facade. But where did that leave Shinji? Would Kaworu still want him--all of him, if he saw the bitterness and the apathy. If Shinji were to strip away all the layers of protection he had surrounded himself with, what would remain at the core? He was afraid of the answer, and deep down something tugged at him in his belly, something fearful and spiteful saying that the only thing that made him himself was cowardice and greed. There was nothing there at the bottom, just self hatred and a pit where a soul should be. At the end of the day, there was nothing good about him. He had become everyone’s reflection, and no one’s true self, and he felt like the world would be no different without him than it was with him. He had always felt like nothing more than a placeholder, slowing drifting out and through life. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At least that’s what he thought before. Now, however small, however slight, the gears had begun to turn. With every conversation with Kaworu, with every smile and encouraging phrase, seeds of hope began to sprout in Shinji. Like little buds sprouting after summer storms, Shinji felt like he was finally taking form. Like something was finally growing, and he had a spirit to place behind the name and body. And it had barely been two months since he met his friend. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His mind snapped back to the conversation--he wasn’t sure how long he had been dazed out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah..yeah one of those nights. But I’m okay,” he said softly. “I’ve gone for a walk and I definitely feel more awake now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s good, I’m glad to hear that.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thank you Kaworu. How are you doing? I’m not trying to be rude, but are you okay? It’s rather early for a Saturday isn’t it?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji heard the familiar warm chuckle echo on the other line. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I was wondering if you’d like to meet up after you submit all your final assignments. I know we have both been fairly overwhelmed to say the least, and I think a break is well deserved after this.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That would be great, actually!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perfect, we can discuss details later, okay?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Y-eah, sure!” And they said their goodbyes and hung up. </span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Shinji’s heart soared with joy. There was something concrete to look forward to besides just ‘finals ending.’ He shoved his phone deep into his pocket, and began to jog down the hill. Maybe, despite this rocky sea, with it’s violent waves tossing him around, would let him calmly float to sure. Maybe, just maybe, things would be okay. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A bigger chapter this week folks--thank you for all the support thus far!! I hope you're all staying safe &lt;3 Hopefully this little story can provide a small bit of escapism for all of you! 16 days until the movie, and I'm buzzing with excitement :3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>the ways you say my name// have me runnin on and on </em>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>-Ricky Montgomery, “Mr. Loverman”</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the month was a blur, and finally as the month switched from February to March and finals slowed down, Shinji found himself reinvigorated with excitement. Now that they both had time, he would finally be able to take Kaworu up on his offer to hang out. As friends. Hanging out as friends was all they would do. That’s how he reassured himself everytime he felt his heart stir up in excitement when Kaworu would text him, or he’d mark a day down on his calendar. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Although still chilly, the warm whispers of Spring breezes were beginning to blow in. And with it, students revitalized all around. Asuka began to bar hop again, and Shinji noticed the classrooms beginning to thin out again as the end of the semester came near. With that, also came the return of his long conversations with Kaworu. The earlier months’ peaceful lull returned with a warm embrace. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>And the first week of March, him and Kaworu were finally able to set plans. On Monday night, Kaworu had messaged him, asking if Shinji was interested in meeting up that next weekend. He had practically jumped out of his bed when he got the message. </span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, sounds great!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Perfect. There’s a plum blossom festival celebration next Saturday. We should go. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Should we just meet there?</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span><br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>That works. I’ll see you tomorrow Shinji, and Saturday as well : )</span>
  </em>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>A flower festival felt...well it felt rather couplish. But Shinji didn’t want to ask and insinuate anything that would put Kaworu on the spot and sour the mood. But that’s how the next Saturday he was sitting on his bedroom floor, ready to rip his hair out because he’d gone through 10 different outfit changes and none of them seemed to fit. Too casual, too formal, too loud, too plain, too </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shinji</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He didn’t understand why a simple outing was causing him so much anxiety, but he wasn’t sure how to handle it otherwise. Shinji picked up his phone and checked the time. 11 am. He had to leave in 30 minutes so he wouldn’t be late. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He cursed and grabbed a previously discarded plaid overshirt, a white shirt, and jeans. There. It wasn’t fancy, and it wasn’t sloppy. He rushed out the door, barely remembering to grab his keys and wallet as he went out. Shinji barely managed to mutter out a goodbye to Asuka as he rushed out to the train station. He was light footed as he sprinted out, barely feeling the sharp slap of the early spring air against his cheeks. As he rounded the corner and the station came into view, Shinji slowed down a bit to hop down the stairs. He didn’t want to take a breath until he was firmly on the train. They were meeting up in Bunkyō-ku, which was several stops away. The Yushima Tenjin had been showcasing the festival for almost a month, and Kaworu and Shinji had just managed to squeeze in their last visit before the festival’s end. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji shoved his card to be read by the barrier, and he pushed past the rolling pins, managing to get to the platform’s edge right as the metro screeched to a halt in front. Dozens of people poured out of the opening cars and the bystanders near him began to hurry into the compartments. When the door behind him hissed clothes, Shinji sighed in relief. He reached up, grabbing the handle to grip onto as the metro pushed forward. The car was crowded with high school students and young couples all excited to enjoy their weekend. He checked his phone again, he knew that in the underground tunnels, service was all but gone, but he was anxious to see if there were any missed messages from Kaworu. None yet. Shinji could breathe a little easier now that he know that the other boy wasn’t just sitting there, waiting. Wait--unless he was? What if he had gotten there incredibly early and was just sitting there awkwardly for Shinji. He furiously shook his head. Kaworu wasn’t some lost puppy, moping around for his owner to come back and give him attention. He was a grown ass man. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The train sped through the next few stops, the subway cars flickering in and out of darkness as they sped up above ground and back down others. Shinji couldn’t get out fast enough when they got to the Yushima Tenjin’s stop.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Kaworu, I’m here! </span>
  </em>
  <span>He messaged in a hurry, as he hopped up the stairs to the subway station and out into the bright day. Shinji made eye contact with Kaworu almost immediately. The latter was sitting on a bench not far from the station, where friends and couples alike were all meeting up before heading off towards the city. He stood up and made his way towards Shinji, a soft smile plastered to his face. Shinji waved in return. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh! I hope you weren’t waiting too long for me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No no, I only got here a few minutes back. Did you get here alright?” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yes, thank you for asking!” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Good good. Shall we head off?” Shinji nodded, adjusting his plaid overshirt and patting down his hair before following Kaworu down the road.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> Looming plum trees were already lining the side, and their pale white blossoms littered the ground beneath them, filling the air with their sweet and fragrant scent. They walked side by side, soaking in the sights as they made their way to the shrine entrance which was already bustling with people at this time of day. As they stepped onto the grounds, Shinji couldn’t help but inhale sharply. It was beautiful. The curving stacked buildings of the temple were framed by the pale whites and pinks of the plum trees. A slight breeze sang through the air, rustling through the branches and loose blossoms fluttered to the ground, lighter than a feather and lining their path as if leading them to the main shrine. It was like someone took a photo and plastered it in high resolution in front of them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you like it?” Shinji jumped out, snapped out of his wonder by Kaworu’s low whisper in his ear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s beautiful in a way I’ve never seen,” he replied, awe in every word. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’m happy to hear that, I thought you would.” Shinji turned to look at Kaworu, and he couldn’t help but stare wide-eyed at the vision before him. Kaworu smiling, his red eyes sparkling with delight and petals sitting on the crown of his head, tumbling down his shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Y-you have a little something on you, Kaworu,” Shinji said meekly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do I now?” He cocked his head to the side, and the petals cascaded down to the ground. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“No you got them,” and Shinji laughed a light and breathy laugh. Kaworu lit up at this, and shared Shinji’s joy. His laugh, smooth like honey rang through the air. They walked around some more, chit-chatting about this and that. How relieved they were that finals were finally over, what they had been doing to unwind (Kaworu was still playing plenty of music), and the general oddities and quirks of being a university student. The usual. It wasn’t until they had circled around the shrine once, and had stopped by an empty bench that Shinji really felt a change in the atmosphere. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kaworu had settled down onto the bench, his head upturned and eyes closed peacefully, sunlight highlighting the tip of his nose, his cheekbones and his Adam’s apple. He patted the space next to him, motioning for Shinji to sat down. And so he did, heart leaping into his throat as he sat down, hands folded in his lap. He cast a nervous glance to Kaworu. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know what plum blossoms symbolize, Shinji?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I don’t. Why?” Kaworu exhaled a small chuckle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perseverance. Hope. As the first bloom after the harsh winter they can be seen as a symbol of beauty and purity, as well as the inherit transitory nature of all life.” Shinji frowned, his brows furrowing as he tried to decipher Kaworu’s words. Where was he trying to get at with this? Kaworu didn’t seem keen on continuing his monologue, so Shinji tried edging him on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a beautiful meaning. Is this a sight you see every year?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not every year, no. But, I decided that this year was special.” Kaworu sat back up and opened his eyes, making direct eye contact with Shinji. He could see his dark brown eyes reflected in the red irises of Kaworu’s and it was almost unsettling. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad we get to share this experience together Kaworu,” Shinji managed to stammer out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, me too.” He didn’t give any indication as to whether or not he could tell if Shinji drew out the meaning from his ramble, and it was impossible to tell if he was satisfied or not with how the conversation went. Instead, the two sat there in silence, watching the pastels of the spring world along with everyone else. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>It was late afternoon by the time that they parted ways. They had wandered around the shrine for another. The conversation easily finding steady pace again after their moment on the bench, and Shinji let himself slide into that comfort. They left prayers for the new season at the temple and after that, they had gone to a nearby cafe. The two had indulged in the almost sickeningly sweet blossom latte--which really was a coverup for a concoction made of coffee, whipped cream, and some honey and floral flavored syrup. It wasn’t bad though--especially not when Kaworu had gotten a giant glob of cream on his nose and Shinji had wiped it off with his thumb without a second thought, resulting in the brown haired boy turned beet red and his silver haired friend breaking down in laughter.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>With the sun beginning to make its descent in the sky, the two said their goodbyes in front of the station they had arrived at. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This was really fun Kaworu. Thank you.” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“It was my pleasure Shinji. I’d love to meet up with you again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe next time I could meet Asuka?” Shinji’s heart fell through his stomach, and he swore it slipped out from him and plummeted straight through the ground. Of course. He was just a tactic to get to close to his roommate. She was electric and you didn’t have to know her to know of her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve mentioned her several times in our conversations and I thought it could be fun to meet her since you talk about her enough.” Shinji nodded, his gaze trailing to the ground as he rubbed his hand behind his neck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We could definitely do that, sure.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shinji?” The brown haired boy looked up, quizzically as he wasn’t sure whether he should let his hopes rise up again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes?” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Get home safe. Text me when you’re back.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right, yeah.” He wasn’t sure what he expected--what he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Why was he even jealous at all? Kaworu was his friend, why would he ever want to ruin it and to make it something more? If the relationship ultimately failed he would lose so much more than just-- Shinji shook his head ever so slightly. He couldn’t let himself slip down that rabbit hole. Not here, not now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well then Kaworu, I’m heading off. Get home safe.” Not wanting to let his gaze linger on Kaworu any longer, Shinji turned around and made his way back down into the underground where the subway would be there to take him back all the way home and into his room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>        *** </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The subway lines were extra crowded on Saturdays and by the time he got home, Asuka was sitting at the table, nibbling away at some instant meal. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’m home,” Shinji called out quietly as he opened the door and took off his shoes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh there you are,” Asuka said as Shinji appeared in the door frame. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not out,” he stated. It was a blunt observation. Normally, this time of year Asuka was always out hitting spots around town with friends. She shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t feel like it today. How was your day?” Now it was his turn to shrug nonchalantly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine, I guess. I met up with my friend. He wants to meet you.” She raised her eyebrows, although she couldn’t mask the enjoyment in her eyes at being mentioned in conversations she was nowhere near when they were taking place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>He </span>
  </em>
  <span>wants to meet me?” She asked, placing extra emphasis on the ‘he.’ </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s his name?” There was a long pause as Shinji settled into the seat across from Asuka. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“Kaworu,” he muttered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kaworu. Interesting. Who is he? How old is he? Where did you meet him?” Shinji swallowed the growl of frustration rising in his throat. Why did Asuka have to be so damn nosy? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s a friend that I met in a class back in January. Just..another college student our age. And now that finals are over, we finally had time to properly hang out.” There. It was vague enough, but hopefully it had satisfied her. She narrowed her eyes at him, and she picked up a piece of meat with her chopsticks, not breaking eye contact as she chewed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t spoken much of him.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I wasn’t aware that I was required to give you every last detail of my life?” </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“We’re roommates and we’ve been friends for how many years? Jeez, you’d think I was asking for an in-depth rundown of your sex life,” Asuka scoffed. “Not that I’d ever been interested in anything so boring,” she added hurriedly, the tips of her ears turning bright red. Shinji flushed a deep scarlett as well and stood up, pushing his chair away from the table. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“This conversation is done,” and he marched off to his room, slamming the door behind him as he threw himself into his bed face down. He lay like that for a few minutes before remembering what Kaworu had asked of him before they parted ways. He grabbed his phone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m home</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He typed out. </span>
  <em>
    <span> Thank you again for inviting me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not even a minute went by before the reply pinged in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>
    <span>And I just got home as well. Thank you for agreeing to come. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shinji stared at the screen, the pale light illuminating his face in his darkened room. He hadn’t opened the blinds before leaving that morning. He didn’t feel like replying. Instead, he waited until he heard the tell tale sign of Asuka’s door closing before creeping out to the kitchen and making his own instant mea. He stood at the microwave, cutting it off before it hit 0 and started ringing out. He ate alone at the table, not bothering to even blow on the food as he placed piping hot bits of curry in his mouth. He sat there staring at the empty space that led to the door, as if some miracle would pop through it and upend his life providing a way out of the whirlpool of his thoughts. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A shorter chapter this week, following last week's monster, but fear not! I have a couple more big ones written (I just finished a massive one yesterday). I know this slow burn may feel a little slow, but it's picking up soon (I promise hehehe). Anyways! If any of want to interact more with me find on Tumblr! http://fivefootchuuya.tumblr.com</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>“Send your tears where nobody hides//give your tears to the tide”</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>                                                                                      -Wait, M83</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure which was worse. The unwarranted jealousy that had been bubbling inside of him, or the fact that he was angry because he was jealous and then angry because he was angry and felt that that he had no right to feel like that. Either way, Shinji was in a foul mood. He hadn’t even felt like attending class these past couple of weeks, staying home through the last week of term wrap ups and spring break. The new term wouldn’t start until the beginning of April, after commencement for the leaving seniors. Kaworu had been checking in on him, worried about Shinji’s absence. Shinji had lied and said he was suffering from a small cold--nothing too severe, but that had been a mistake. Instead, Kaworu became immensely worried, fretting over him in a series of rapid fire texts. He had offered to swing by Shinji’s apartment to drop off food and medicine, and Shinji barely staved him off, reassuring him that Asuka had everything under control. But, it wasn’t even a complete victory. In the end, Kaworu had won out by forcing Shinji to agree to letting him drop on a Friday evening after his second week of missing classes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji stood in the bathroom, trying to muss up his hair to look as if he had been laying in bed for days. Which wasn't a total lie. He would wake up in the mornings, cook breakfast, mill around the house and then lay in bed, listening to music, nap, cook dinner and repeat. It was unlike him to get hung up on such a small thing, but maybe it was the feeling of the hope of a fantasy being crushed that brought him down like this. Even Asuka had commented on his strange behavior, but he didn’t want to elaborate on it. The tinned sound of the doorbell rang through the apartment, jolting Shinji from his thoughts. He shuffled through the hallway and reached to answer the door when he hesitated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remained there for a few agonizing moments, hand outstretched but unmoving. He felt no urge to open it in that brief moment. What was that old saying? </span>
  <em>
    <span>If you don’t have anything nice to say, then  don’t say anything at all</span>
  </em>
  <span>? So why did he have to say anything at all? But then a deeper feeling started snaking up from his gut and up his lungs to choke his throat. An ugly realization that Shinji didn’t want to come to terms with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu didn’t owe him anything. He hadn’t promised Shinji anything--he hadn’t confessed anything. They were just friends. It’s not like he was leading Shinji on and then pulled the rug out from underneath him. No. It all boiled down to the fact that Shinji was a coward who ran away when things got too big, too hard, too scary. He had always been like that hadn’t he? He didn’t want to tackle things as they came at him, he wanted others to tell him what to do, how to do it. He wanted Kaworu to tell Shinji that he liked him before Shinji would admit his own feelings. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat, the outstretched hand trembling ever so slightly. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door rang again and Shinji jumped, grabbing the handle and swinging it open. Seeing Kaworu made his heart skip a beat. Those red eyes, normally calm and steady like the ocean on a Summer’s day were filled with worry, and widened with excitement at the side of the boy with a mop of brown hair and tired dark eyes. Kaworu was wearing a simple black shirt, a longer sleeve shirt in stripes beneath it. Cool and casual like always. Seeing the pale boy nearly bowled Shinji over with a new wave of emotions. He was afraid he’d be dragged down with the undertow, and guilt hit him like a tsunami. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“H-Hey Kaworu,” was all he managed to squeak out, stepping aside to let the boy in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji! It’s good to see you. You don’t look too terrible--I hope you’re feeling better?” He just nodded in response as Kaworu came in and took his shoes off, clutching a plastic bag in one hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to take that off your hands?” Shinji nodded to the bag, while wringing his hands out behind his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should go sit down Shinji.” Right he was supposed to be sick.  Shinji shuffled to the dining room table and he sank into the wooden back chair, pulling up a knee to rest his chin on. He said nothing as he watched Kaworu set the bag down on the table and take the seat where Asuka would normally sit. Not that Kaworu would know that. He began pulling boxes out of the bag, his elegant fingers curling around each item just as delicately as if he were picking up the bow of a violin, or stringing arpeggios across a keyboard. Lithe and delicate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have some medicine for fever, cough syrup, cough drops, Vaporub--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu, you really didn’t have to do all this for me,” Shinji cut him off. A simple fib to push someone away was quickly spiralling out of control. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” His brows furrowed, almost uncharacteristically. His normal passive nature, one where the world could come crashing full force against him and he would let it roll off his back, seemed to flicker out of focus for a brief moment. But he adjusted his posture and once more was back to his cool self. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even if you don’t need these now, you can always use them later,” Kaworu continued on. Shinji shrugged in agreement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, but that’s a lot of money you spent on me, isn’t it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your health is worth so much more.” Shinji frowned, and didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure how to respond. They sat there in silence for several moments, only the ticking of the clock on the wall dragging out the second between them. The normally quiet sound that faded into the background with all the buzz of life around it, stuck out now. It was loud and thudding, counting down the moments to the inevitable and painful end of Shinji’s strange and wonderful friendship with Kaworu. And then the peace was shattered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m home!” Asuka’s voice called from the hallway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sudden intrusion of her voice caused Shinji to jolt. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Asuka’s home,” he said, stating the obvious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I see,” Kaworu said, folding his hands in his lap. Much to Shinji’s surprise, the boy’s tone was indecipherable. He expected Kaworu to take up an air of more intense curiosity, excitement, to change his demeanor to be something more flirtatious. He was unexpectedly placid. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shinji, whose shoes are these? I didn’t know you were--” Her long red hair came in view, her lips pursed and the jacket slung over one arm. Her voice trailed off as she made eye contact with Kaworu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who are you?” Her eyebrows were raised as she was already making her usual snap judgements and evaluations with a new person. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is Kaworu. The friend I was telling you about,” Shinji jumped into the conversation. He didn’t want to make this any more awkward than it already was. Realization dawned on her face, only to be just as quickly replaced with a sly smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’re Shinji’s friend that he’s so taken with.” Kaworu chuckled and heat flushed through Shinj’s cheeks up to the tips of his ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not like he’s all I talk about 24/7,” he cried out indignantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well you’re pretty much talking </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> him for that amount,” Asuka scoffed. “Anyways, what brought you over here? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji mentioned he wasn’t feeling well so I decided to come on over with some supplies.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sick? He was just--”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I just wasn’t feeling too well and I told Kaworu I was absolutely fine, but he insisted on coming over,” Shinji was stumbling over the words. He was positive everything was about to unravel. Asuka would laugh him off and Kaworu would immediately see through the lies. But his childhood friend just narrowed her eyes and stared at him. He withered under the scrutiny of her gaze, but after a few heartbeats she just shrugged. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well that was awfully nice of you Kaworu. How much money do you want in return?” Shinji nearly collapsed in on himself in relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None at all. It’s what friends do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good enough for me.”  Shinji glanced between Asuka and Kaworu, anxiety tugging at his gut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu, would you like some tea?” Shinji stood up, eager to get his hands busy on something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, that would be nice. Asuka, will you stay for tea?” She shook her head in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m busy--you two weirdos enjoy.” She waved and slunk off to her room, leaving Shinji and Kaworu alone. The former ran to go fill up the kettle. It was an old clunky thing, once pure silver now rusted and covered in brown splotches, burnt orange crawling up the sides where it was crusting up and falling away. It had been a housewarming gift from Misato Katsuragi, an acquaintance of Shinji’s father who had looked after them when they were kids. Somehow, neither of them had been able to part with it despite its decrepit state. Nostalgia, or something of the sort. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He set it on the burner, hearing the familiar clicking of the gas firing to life and the flame spreading out, warming up the water inside. He dragged his feet back towards Kaworu. The other man was tracing the whorls in the wooden table, staring up and around the apartment. It dawned on Shinji that Kaworu had never actually been to the place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s not much to see but uh I could show you around?” He asked meekly. Kaworu turned his head, his expression softening into a gentle smile.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Kaworu said as he stood up. “Lead the way.” The natural tender cadence of his voice made the small space feel all the more intimate and Shinji hurried forward, not wanting to embarrass himself with his own damn awkwardness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He trailed through the hallway, suddenly everything felt too crowded and cramped. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There’s the bathroom with the toilet and everything. The door at the end of the hallway is Asuka’s and this one,” he said as he put the hand on the knob of his door, which was directly across from the bathroom, “is mine. You saw the kitchen and everything.” He pushed it open, and suddenly felt like he just did something taboo. His room was messy and dark. It didn’t smell fresh, and hadn't smelled nice in days. Clothes were strewn about at the foot of his bed, his desk was a pile of papers and old assignments. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My room is disgusting,” he barely managed out. “Sorry for taking you down here.” Kaworu was glancing around, not even intrusively, just with the curiosity that comes with seeing any new place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need to apologize. You weren’t planning on having guests Shinji.” The silver haired man had wandered over to the desk where a single photo stood. A woman, with short brown hair holding a crying baby with matching brown hair stood. A smile was on her face, the kind that happened when somebody had said a funny joke and a candid photo of the moment had been taken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this your mother?” Kaworu asked. Shinji was taken aback for a brief moment. Not that he should be surprised--it was natural that his friend’s curiosity would be piqued upon seeing the photo. It had just been so long since he had spoken of his mother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes. She passed away when I was still in elementary school.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look a lot like her, “ he still studied the photo, his back to Shinji. Normally when people found out Shinji had a dead mother, they tried to extend some long lost sympathy. A stale notion for a death long passed. He still felt the gaping hole of the mother he barely knew, but people apologizing for something they had no control over angered Shinji somehow. And wordlessly, Kaworu knew it. Or maybe he lived by the same principles. He could not mourn someone he had no relation to, and he had no place in apologizing for something so far removed from him. The shrill scream of the kettle interrupted the moment, and Shinji couldn’t be more glad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah! I’ll go turn it off,” and he turned tail and fled to the kitchen. All the while, he couldn’t get it out of his head that Kaworu said he looked like </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Not the cruel eyes of his father, forever removed and unreachable. Not the sharp jawline or the thin frowning mouth. No, Kaworu said that his features came from his mother. He dipped the tea bags in and out of the cups, letting the excess liquid drip off into the respective cups. As he stared at the dark pool of tea in the cups, an unfamiliar warmth spread across his chest. He always thought himself an echo of his father, and although Kaworu knew nothing of Gendou Ikari, he saw the warmth and love of Yui reflected in Shinji’s own being. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>**** </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu left not too long after tea. The sun had dipped down the horizon, and they had spent the time in idle chatter. Shinji was definitely in lighter spirits, but he had watched Kaworu’s every motion like a hawk, clung to every word in desperation, trying to parse out any hidden meaning interwoven in any phrase. The knot still tangled itself in Shinji’s throat when Asuka peeked out to bid farewell to Kaworu, and it tightened further still when Kaworu mentioned that the three of them should go on an outing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka had shrugged nonchalantly in response, saying that “as long as alcohol and a good time are involved, I don’t care what we do.” She had shot Shinji a pointed glance, as if to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop moping around</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It was one he got often. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now he stood in the bathroom, putting away the medicine Kaworu had brought over. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>I need to learn to get over myself</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he chastised himself. He had a bad habit to catastrophize every situation in his head, and given his history with bad luck in most situations, it wasn’t completely unwarranted. But once, just once, he wanted to be able to let the direction of a situation ebb and flow over him. He didn’t want to be stuck in a whirlpool of negativity and sadness. He wanted to experience life like normal people did. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a hard knocking at the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey. Dumbass. Let me in.” Shinji gazed at the boxes in his hand--the two boxes that somehow had taken him ten minutes to put away, and haphazardly shoved them into the cabinet. He opened the door where Asuka stood outside, arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you giving yourself a makeover in there?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off,” he grumbled indignantly. He didn’t look her in the eye. While he enjoyed having the company of Asuka as a roommate, sometimes, just sometimes he wished he had the luxury of living alone, with no one to bark at him, or judge him, or constantly nag him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your friend is good looking.” He glared at Asuka in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kiss him then,” Shinji bit back. Asuka raised her eyebrows, clearly not expecting such a strong reaction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmph. Well, maybe I might,” she snarled back. Shinji narrowed his eyes. This was a slippery slope they fell down often. One harsh word became two and that became a battlefield of swords they would impale each other on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever,” he growled. He stormed out the bathroom, barely throwing a glance back at her as he said, “Bathroom’s free.” He was about to go into his room, slam the door just for effect. He wanted to be a brat, he wanted to be angry, but he felt something tug him back. Asuka had grabbed his wrist on the way out, pulling him back towards her. He huffed in annoyance, and whipped around his brown eyes staring into her piercing blue ones. They were softer than moments before. Still alight with that intense fire that always flickered in her irises, but she could also tell that their conversation had started on a track to disaster. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Listen, dumbass,” she sighed in a way that sounded like it was painful to her. “Let’s backtrack here. We’re fighting over what? Your crush that you don’t have the balls to--”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“He’s not my-,” Shinji began to cry out indignantly, trying to cut her off. But she shot him a glare that said </span>
  <em>
    <span>shut up and fucking listen</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s your whatever. You have been verifiably off these past two weeks, and I don’t know what happened or why you’re taking it out on me. You need to suck it up and get over yourself. Kaworu mentioned wanting us to hang out, so here’s what we’re gonna do. The three of us, we’re gonna meet up. Get drinks or some shit and have a fantastic fucking day. You’re gonna loosen up and get back to yourself.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji blinked slowly. In her brusque way, Asuka was trying to be caring and while his gut reaction was to push her way and tell her to leave him alone. But he knew she was right, he was being an asshole. His shoulders sagged in defeat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine. I’ll text him,” he muttered. And the pressure on his wrist released as she let him go. He shuffled back to his room, gently closing his door and collapsed on his bed. He reached out through his crumpled bed sheets, searching for the cool metal of his music player. His hands closed around it, and he raised it to his face, running his hands through the tangled white wires of his earbuds. He nestled the buds into his ears, closing his eyes as he turned on a song, letting the melody wash over him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the dark. He wasn’t sure who he was sorry to the most. Asuka, for the outbursts. Kaworu, for the childish silent game he had been playing. Himself maybe? He was pathetic, and immature. Disgust constantly simmered in his stomach, sometimes he wished he could shatter every mirror in the house and every mirror he encountered just so he didn’t have to look at himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But one could wish for every single last thing on the planet, and none of it would come true if you sat there wallowing in self-pity. He could drown himself in sorrow, and no one would offer a hand to pull him out. It’s not like anybody could see the silent death happening. Shinji lifted his  phone to his eyes, wincing at the sudden brightness and opened up his thread with Kaworu. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He typed out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thank you again for the medicine, it was kind of you. Sorry for being absent. We should have a proper get together--you, me, Asuka. Drinks or something? </span>
  </em>
  <span>And he hit send, the shoreline out of the sea of grief a little closer than it was when he woke up that day. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ohoho we're trucking along folks! Shout out to my friend Red, who gave me this song as a good KawoShin one! The reception I've been getting so far makes me so soft, so thank you all of you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>“</b>
  <b>
    <em>say, say what you mean //tell me the truth or tell me you're through”</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>                                                 -Ricky Montgomery, My Heart is Buried in Venice,</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Kanpai!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> The clinking of glasses against each other, raised hands around slippery beer bottles, wet with condensation. Low lighting, the streetlights outside twinkling as crowds of young people overtake the sidewalks, the cool Friday night air welcoming everyone. And inside a little bar, three people at one table as a group. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What had started out as one afternoon became dinner, and that became drinks. It was April now, and the new semester was in full spring. It was the first Friday in April to be precise. Somehow, despite being polar opposites Asuka and Kaworu were getting along swimmingly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But that could just be Asuka’s love for any opportunity to go drinking, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shinji begrudgingly thought. He was only one his first beer, and had only one shot of sake. His companions however, were far beyond him. The table was cluttered with at least 5 empty bottles of beer and a half empty bottle of sake. Asuka was long gone, and even Kaworu’s face was flushed, his normally alert and calm eyes droopy and hazy with the buzz of alcohol ringing through him. Shinji, admittedly, was somewhat of a lightweight, and despite pacing himself, his senses were already dulled. But, he still watched the conversation with hawk eyes. Carefully calculating the magnitude of Kaworu’s laughs rippling through his body, how heavily his shoulders shook, how much he tossed his head back when he laughed, how loudly he laughed at everything that was said. And he would glance over at Asuka, examining her too. How many times did she toss her hair over her shoulder? How far towards Kaworu was her body tilted? It was a small round table, so nobody was closer to each other than another person, and Shinji kept having to resist the urge to shift himself closer to Kaworu, kept having to swallow the jealousy, lodged like a rock in his throat. It was hard to grasp at the strands of the conversation, the din of the bar and the haze of the booze making everything a dull hum in Shinji’s ears. But, he was acutely aware, this was the first time in...well a very long time, that he had been able to be so consistently present in a moment. Though fear and envy managed to wrap themselves around Shinji’s shoulders and squeeze him like a boa constrictor, there was comfort in knowing that he had a group to be a part of. This little group was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> and he hadn't had one like this since high school, his college years left him floating through campus like a ghost, there to be an academic, not to socialize. He closed his eyes, taking a long sip of the alcohol, wanting to wash away the burn of paranoia. He couldn’t blame Kaworu for consistently being drawn to Asuka. There was something magnetic about her. Once you got past the brash exterior, you got someone who loved just as fiercely as she hated. She was a bonfire that could go out of control at any moment, but at the same time, everyone wanted to be around her. Beautiful, outspoken, confident, witty. Asuka was the girl everyone wanted to have in their life. And compared to her, Shinji felt like an old worn stone. No matter how many times you would try to use flint against him to spark a fire, there was nothing there. He had been rubbed over, tossed up and out so many times, he was unassuming. There to serve as decoration and to contain Asuka’s flame. He shouldn’t be surprised that Kaworu was circling around her. Everyone was. But jealousy was a bitter pill to swallow, and he couldn’t get it down. No matter how much water, beer, or sake he downed, he kept choking on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shinjiiiii” Asuka slammed her drink down heavily on the table, words slurring together like the smudges between letters on papers. He looked over at her, eyebrows raised. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What,” he responded, the question mark at the end of his sentence audibly falling flat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re spacing again doing your thing where you act mopy. Take another shot you fuck.” Shinji shook his head, which he quickly discovered was a mistake. The room spun, the overhead lights exploding like starbursts in his vision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m definitely good,” he wheezed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More for me!” And Asuka grabbed Shinji’s own beer, chugging it down like water on a hot summer’s day. Kaworu chuckled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Asuka, at this race we’ll be struggling to drag you home between the two of us,” the silver haired man chimed in, red eyes twinkling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bbbbbug off, I’m fine!” She wailed, her face practically falling into the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rain had broken over the Tokyo streets. Unexpected, or maybe the clouds had been gathering for a while and the safety and warmth of the bar left the trio blissfully unaware, but either way, as they stumbled out at nearly 2 AM the cold water pounded away at the pavement and their skin, hitting them like cold wet slaps. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The station!” Shinji called out, the storm swallowing up his worlds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take me out of the shower!’ Asuka shrieked as she very quickly became drenched and cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “I cannot call the gods and tell them to turn off the weather!” Kaworu drunkenly laughed into the night, his voice echoing into the empty street. Watching this scene play out from the side, euphoria and doom clashed in Shinji’s brain, and for a brief and terrible moment, he wasn’t sure which one would win out. He pushed through towards his friends, praying his emotions would be washed away by the rain, just so he could breathe for once. The city was teetering on the edge of being fully awake and packing itself away for the night, but either way it was so full of life, of laughter, and love--of all the things that Shinji had ever wanted to experience and everything he was too afraid to let himself try. He grabbed Asuka and Kaworu’s wrists, one each hand, and stampeded through the slippery streets. Streetlights cast a hazy glow through the puddles as the trio splashed through them, like fairy lights guiding them through the station. He was breathless and barely conscious, clinging onto this moment for as long as he could. Kaworu’s hand was warm in his hand, and Shinji could have sworn that he was squeezing it. Maybe. He wasn’t sure, but the pressure was welcome--an embrace that wasn’t there, a force keeping him grounded. Asuka’s hand threatened to slip from his grip at any second, her shoes and the cuffs of her jeans soaked through, but Shinji wouldn’t let her go. He couldn’t. He pulled on her arm, drawing her closer to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some passersby cast wayward glances at the odd trio, but in their mad dash to the train station none of them cared. They nearly tripped over themselves stumbling down the staircase, but finally they were in the endarkened space of the station. Their voices echoed off the stone walls, the next train nowhere in sight. They all collapsed on an empty bench, shivering and wet, and the few youth who were milling about gave them an extra few feet of clearance. They didn’t speak as they waited, just heaved through burning lungs, catching their breaths and trying to warm up. The flush of the cold night and alcohol burning in their veins left their cheeks glowing red. They sat there waiting for what felt like an eternity and a half. Long enough for one train to have come and gone, then two, and then three. The minutes ticked along, and the rain began to dry off the three of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think we have long missed the last train, “ Kaworu said softly. With a sinking feeling, Shinji pulled out his phone, squinting to make out the numbers. It was almost 2:30 in the morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yep, that train left the station a long time ago,” Shinji said, trying to make a joke that sounded a lot funnier in his head than when he said it aloud. Asuka was snoring softly, in between Shinji and Kaworu, head thrown back over the bench, which meant she couldn’t berate Shinji. Kaworu, however, cracked a smile, appreciating Shinji’s grandpa sense of humour. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So what should we do?” Shinji wondered out loud. He would really rather not sleep in the station or stick around for another 2 hours when the metros started running again. He rolled the options around in his mind, not sure which would be the lesser evil. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can pay for a taxi,” Kaworu offered. Shinji sat up, looking at him wide eyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But they’re so expensive!”He protested. Especially this time of night, and it would be a solid 20 minute drive. He didn’t even want to think about the amount of money that cost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a part time job,” Kaworu reassured him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you shouldn’t be wasting your income on this!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu, as Shini had found out several months prior, worked part time as a music teacher. He worked mainly with elementary schoolers, and Shinji couldn’t help but admit that the visual was absolutely adorable. Kaworu being swarmed by dozens of tiny children, ever patient and calm as he wrangled them and tried to get them all to perform in tune. It softened him in a way, made him seem more tangible. Where once he felt like some sort of angel, simply drifting through life on his own whimsy, now he felt like a real person. Maybe one day he could even be a family man. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shinji I have to get home as well, don’t I?”  He paused to think about, contradictions in his chain of thought finally crashing together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I supposed,” Shinji murmured in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right then, let’s haul Asuka up, and then once we’re out and I have reception, I can call a cab.” Shinji nodded, and heaved himself up. Letting himself sit and rest left his limbs feeling leaden, and getting Asuka off the bench was nearly impossible. It took both Kaworu and Shinji tugging at her from both arms and gently slapping her cheeks until she came to, her head lolling forward as her eyes fluttered awake, still droopy with sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mmm where am I? This isn’t my bed,” she groaned, clearly still inebriated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve missed the last train, we’re going to get a cab,” Kaworu explained softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck. Wake me up when I’m home,” she mumbled, and immediately began to fall back into the bench, sleep overtaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No no no Asuka we can’t haul you up like dead weight,” Shinji cried out, and she huffed in frustration, finally getting up. They linked up, and through their exhaustion and drunkenness stumbled up the steps, with noticeably less energy  than when they were coming down. The rain had calmed down to a dull pattering, now hitting the pavement with dull thuds. They peered down the straights, looking for the tell tale green car that could come take them home. Luckily, on a weekend even this late, it didn’t take too much trouble to find one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not even five minutes later, the three of them piled into the cramped taxi. Asuka crawled in first, followed by Kaworu, then Shinji, pressed up against the glass. Kaworu gave directions to Shinji’s apartment, and they drove off into the night. Asuka’s head began to slip, and she ended up having her face slip into Kaworu’s shoulder. Kaworu himself was drifting in and out of sleep, not aware enough or not caring enough to push her off. It took Shinji everything he had to not look at them, to not let the embers of his jealousy spark up again. It wasn’t fair how well the two of them fit. Asuka’s long brown hair spilled over her body and Kaworu’s, she was smaller than him, and if Kaworu wrapped his arm around her, they would seem like the perfect couple. Both of them beautiful, intelligent, smart mouthed. Everything he felt he wasn’t. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want himself to slip down and let himself rest on Kaworu, no matter how comforting it seemed. After all, it was just a taxi right? A taxi with too many people in it, and a drive too long, and a road that was bumpy. Who could judge him if the driver braked a little too hard and Shinji slid over onto Kaworu, nestling his chin in the crook of his neck. Nobody could say anything, especially after they drank out what felt like half a bar…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he strengthened his resolve, instead digging his fingers into his thighs, resting his cheek on the glass, letting the freezing cold window sober him up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the driver pulled up onto the street in front of their apartment, Shinji slowly pulled himself up, shaking Kaworu awake. The boy slowly opened his red eyes, disoriented in the way one was when you slept in a car, when the surroundings you drifted off to were starkly different than the ones you woke up to. He blinked the sleep out of his bleary eyes, understanding that the driver was waiting on his fare. Kaworu dug into his pocket, and pulled out a wallet, handing the hefty fee to the driver. From there, Shinji hopped out of the car, followed by Kaworu. Asuka slumped over the seat, splaying out with strands of her in her mouth and sticking onto her lips where gloss was once painted on them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two boys slipped around the other side of the car and opened it, they reached in and began to haul her out, each taking an arm of hers to drape around their neck so they could drag her up towards the apartment and into her bed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We apologize for the trouble,” Shinji called into the dark vehicle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“None at all,” the older, gruff voice of the driver replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be down in a minute,” Kaworu chimed in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this, Shinji looked over at his friend in confusion. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu don’t be ridiculous, you already drove all the way out here, and it’s late and that’s more fare.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji I don’t want to impress upon you--”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Sir, have a safe drive home!” Shinji called out firmly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shifted his weight so he could turn around and slam the door behind him. Maybe it was the fact that his jealousy had been simmering all night, threatening to boil over and explode in screaming whistles like a tea kettle. Maybe it was the crick in his neck starting to form because of Asuka’s dead weight on him. Maybe it was the biting cold nipping away at his arms and face, the exhilaration of the night long worn enough, leaving him exhausted to the bone. Either way, he was feeling emboldened. Emboldened and </span>
  <em>
    <span>angry</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The kind of anger that stemmed from possessiveness. And so, he bit back at Kaworu. He just wanted one fantasy night. Even though they wouldn’t wake up next to each other in the morning, that the morning after would have no significance in relation to the dreams prior, he wanted to imagine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re staying the night,” Shinji said stiffly, and he took a step forward. Without anyway to argue back, Kaworu shuffled alongside Shinji. They made the painstaking journey up the stairs to the door. Shinji dug around in his pocket, searching for his keychain. Fumbling it, he shoved it into the keyhole, jerking it violently to get the door to swing open. The six legged race managed to get into the doorway, nearly falling over themselves as they kicked off their shoes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu remembered with ease where Asuka’s room was, and Shinji didn’t even have to say anything as they turned the corner and made their march down the end of the hall towards her room. With his shoulder, Shinji knocked her door open, and they unceremoniously dropped her on the bed, their own exhaustion winning over as they gasped for air. They adjusted her so if she woke up and vomited, she at least wouldn’t choke on it, and like spectres, they slunk out the room, shutting the squeaky door as silently as they could behind them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take the couch Kaworu, you take my bed,” Shinji whispered. At this, he gently shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be ridiculous.” And he padded off into the living room, not even giving Shinji the chance to reach out and stop him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At least let me get you an extra blanket and pillow,” Shinji hissed out. This routine wasn’t anything new for him. Misato had come home drunk off her ass plenty of times, and Asuka had picked up more than one of her bad habits. Shinji rushed into his room, snatching a couple of his pillows, and he searched around frantically for an extra throw blanket he could give to Kaworu for the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He found one. Red and the fabric pilling, the old blanket  had long lost its initial plushness. But it carried with it the faint softness that came from dumping fabric softener into it and it still provided some warmth, so Shinji decided that it was adequate. He bundled everything up and went out into the living room, where Kaworu had begun to unbutton his top. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t immediately notice Shinji, which made the scenario so much worse. Shinji gawked at his skin, which looked like it had been carved from marble. With careful precision, Kaworu folded up his shirt, placing it on the coffee table. Every motion he made accentuated his elegant lines, he was a living piece of art. Shinji felt the heat rise up in his cheek with a vengeance, and he was unable to move. Couldn’t look away, couldn’t speak up. It was the kind of sensation that came with a breathtaking beauty. One that existed right under your own nose, the kind that you didn’t want anybody to know about except for you. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the end it was Kaworu who broke the silence. He turned around, and made direct eye contact with Shinji, which only made the brown haired boy feel more embarrassed, as if he were indulging in some voyeuristic fantasy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-I uh, brought blankets, and uh and  a pillow,” Shinji stammered, while holding up the items as if he were on trial and needed to prove his innocence. But Kaworu only smiled, gratefully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry if they aren’t the most comfortable,” Shinji mumbled an apology. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am more than comfortable, Shinji. Thank you for letting me stay the night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-yeah of course.” With hurried motions, Shinji set the bundle on the couch arm rest and practically tripped over himself backing out and heading to his room. As he shut the door behind him, exhaustion and sleep crashed over him. It won out against the whirl of emotions that came along with Kaworu sleeping in the room next to him. The night’s highs and lows would be problems for him to evaluate and process the next day. He collapsed face first on his bed, not even bothering to change out of his clothes as sleep took him under. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was painfully bright by the time Shinji cracked his eyes open, and shards of sunlight that felt like glass against his bleary vision bombarded him. He sat up, wincing, and rubbed his head, the dryness in his mouth the only thing he was fully aware of. Shinji patted his pockets, searching for his phone, and momentarily panicked when he didn’t feel it immediately. He found it nearby, it had fallen out of his pocket and tangled in the bedsheet. Not that it mattered. As soon as he tried checking the time, he realized it was dead. With a groan, he crawled out of bed, and stumbled to the kitchen, wanting to quench his thirst and quiet the pounding in his head, which he thought would make his head shatter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>However, as he made it out of his room, he was struck by the scent of fresh food wafting from the kitchen. He could smell eggs sizzling on a pan, and the faint scent of miso soup boiling. Shinji furrowed his eyes in momentary confusion, before his brain was able to sort things out, the events of the night prior hitting him like a freight train. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu!” He called out, before he even saw the boy. His voice came out hoarse and raspy, his vocal chords felt like they were glued together, so his voice didn’t come out any louder than a meek cry. And as Shinji padded into the kitchen, there was Kaworu, in last night’s clothes, wearing a black apron and cooking breakfast as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He somehow looked perfectly put together, his shirt without so much as a wrinkle. Shinji grimaced at how badly he could only imagine he looked like. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning Shinji. Or should I say afternoon? It’s almost 1 in the afternoon, so I figured I should make some food for us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh!’ Shinji said, verifiably flustered. This felt like a dream, one where this was a common scene for Shinji to wake up to. “You really didn’t have to. I’m so sorry for not waking up earlier, I bet you feel like shit and you’re cooking too--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu shook his head, silver white strands puffing around him like a cloud. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I honestly feel fine, but I wanted to show my thanks. The food will be ready shortly.” Shinji nodded, and grabbed a glass to fill up with water. He chugged one and then another, feeling like a wilted flower. As he slowly came to life, he ran a hand through his already messy locks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go freshen up a bit,” he said and scurried off to the bathroom. He took one glance in the mirror and flicked the faucet on, scrubbing his face with a vengeance. Dark circles were prominent under his swollen eyes, his hair looked like he had been blow dried with a leaf blower, and his complexion was paler than normal. He practically tore at his teeth with a toothbrush, acting more like he was trying to look presentable for a date, rather than somebody with a brutal hangover. As he ripped at his tangled hair with a brush, there was an angry pounding at the door. Even though he was hungover, there was somebody who without a doubt had an even more monstrous one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lemme in, I gotta piss!” Shinji unlocked the door to find Asuka standing there. She was wearing pajamas that she definitely wasn’t wearing the night before, so he assumed she had woken up at sometime during the night to change. She looked worse than he did, not that he would ever say that to her face. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Good morning,” was all he said as he stepped out of the bathroom. He got a grunt in response and the door slammed behind him. Shinji went back into the kitchen, where Kaworu had already set that table. He smiled when he saw Shinji. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Better?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Much, thank you. Asuka is awake.” He chuckled as he slid into his seat across from Shinji. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I heard.” Shinji couldn’t help but snicker either. “Did you sleep okay,” Shinji asked, trying to keep an awkward silence from falling as they waited for Asuka to join them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I’m fine. Did you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As well as one does when they’re wasted,” Shinji joked. Kaworu nodded once in understanding. Finally, their friend plopped herself down in the empty seat, still in pajamas, but hair brushed out, and looking more awake than earlier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning to you two,” she said more chipper than Shinji expected, and Kaworu greeted her back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s eat then,” she said, eager to dig in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s eat,” the two boys echoed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breakfast passed in the tired quietness that came after a raucous night. Nobody made an attempt to force the conversation as everyone nursed their hangovers and relished in the freedom of the weekend. Shinji cleared the table before Kaworu could move a muscle, assuring him he would clean up and that the red-eyed boy had done more than enough and that he wasn’t some maid. Reluctantly, Kaworu let Shinji take charge and not long after that, Kaworu excused himself. The clock was pushing 2 p.m., and Kaworu noted that he didn’t want to say any longer than he was welcome (to which Shinji frantically reassured him that it was fine, and Kaworu was a friend, not some pushy relative). </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But as he shut the door behind his friend, the anxieties about the previous night began to chip away at Shinji. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go shower,” he called out to Asuka who had slipped back into her room. Not that she cared, it was just his way to claim the space without her complaining. Shinji turned the water on full blast, letting the steam curl up until the mirror was completely fogged in mere minutes. He liked the sensation of the hot water running on his skin until it was raw and red. When the air was so thick and humid he could barely breathe. He could close himself off from the world like that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he rinsed himself, and massaged the shampoo suds into his hair he huffed out a sigh of frustration. He looked into Kaworu’s every motion with obsession, it was consuming and borne of paranoia. He wished he could just be brave enough to spit out the words. Three of them. Three tiny words that could be said a million different ways and could be understood just as clearly each time. Three little words that could ruin a relationship that took 3 months to build in 3 seconds. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like you Kaworu. I like you Kaworu. I like you Kaworu!” Shinji let out a strangled scream, his words coming out in harsh whispers so they could be swallowed by the pouring water and flushed down the drain. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After what felt like an eternity, Shinji shut off the water, standing there dripping wet for a few minutes before wrapping himself in a towel. He went back into his room, falling back down onto his bed. He reached for his phone, not sure if he had missed anything important since it died the night before. It was already charged up, and he flipped it open, surprised to find an unopened text from Kaworu, received maybe 10 minutes ago. Probably him being nice, and reassuring Shinji. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji opened it, his dark eyes scanning it over once, then twice, and then another time. He felt his blood run cold, turning to ice in his veins. He felt the void open up beneath him and swallow him whole. He was drowning and being shoved down all at the same time. His airways were closing up, his vision blurred. Four tiny words. Four words with so much meaning packed into them. Four words with an infinite amount of interpretations and outcomes. Four words that signified the end of any good relationship.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We need to talk. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>“i’m coming apart at the seams//pitching myself for leads in other people’s dreams”</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>-Fall Out Boy, Disloyal Order of the Water Buffaloes</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s funny how one little message can cause a cataclysmic reaction. It started with the numbness in his fingers, spreading to the dryness in his mouth, and the fuzziness in the head. He waited for another message, the telltale sign of the three wavering dots, but nothing came. A minute or two passed by, and they may as well have been hours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somehow, Shinji managed to shake his body back to life, the nerve endings on his fingers buzzing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What about Kaworu? Did you make it home alright? </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, yes. My apologies for worrying you. I know school must have you plenty busy. However, would you be able to meet me tomorrow evening? Nothing too wild like last night’s festivities. Perhaps we can meet for tea at my apartment, if that is not too forward? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji stared at the screen, gaze blank. Doomsday had not happened...yet. He scrambled to write his reply, fingers fumbling over the phone, causing him to take twice as long to type out the message as he had to erase and retype every typo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah yes! That’s okay. I’m free all day, what time? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Is 4 o’clock okay? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll see you then.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he shut off his phone, laying an arm over his eyes. He was vaguely aware of how cold he was--he should change into clothes, hell even a nap would be nice. Paranoia overtook his senses like a strong perfume--one that an old grandmother would wear that expired 20 years ago. The fumes incapacitating, and leaving him defenseless. What the hell was Kaworu being so cryptic for? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slowly, Shinji forced himself up. He slid into an old t-shirt laying on the floor. It was a patchwork of holes, leaving spots in his shoulders, back, and chest. It was a tattered gray thing, some ironed logo long faded. But the fabric was comforting in a way that only a garment that had been there through the ugliest times of could. He found a pair of boxers on the floor nearby that were more or less clean--he didn’t have the energy to try to do laundry or shove himself into fresh clothes. He burrowed himself in his bed, not sure if he should pray for sleep or pace a hole into the floor. Nothing made sense anymore at this point. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was early, and he had slept a lot the night before, but at the same time exhaustion creeped into the edges of his waking moments, like the tentacles of some murky sea creature. For a moment, Shinji was glad he didn’t have any social media, because knowing himself, he would just fall down in a whirlpool of self destruction that would leave him in a situation worse than he was in now. Instead, he strained to hear Asuka, wondering if she was crashing about the apartment, but he was met with silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a grunt, Shinji sat up, pawing around for his music player. When he finally did find it, he unceremoniously shoved the earbuds still attached into his ears, turning up the volume of the Bach Cello Suite he had left off on full blast. He felt the pull of the bow on every string, the reverberation. He lay down on his bed, mimicking the motion of the fingers on the interest by tapping them out on his chest. And as Shinji closed his eyes, he felt the echo of the notes in the cello’s hollow body as clear as if it was in his own body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dinner came and went, the time on the clock slipping through his fingers. When Shinji didn’t come out of his room, Asuka made no motion to come get in. The sour taste of a hangover still stuck to their senses like tar. Any normal person would be able to move on with their life, the meeting the next day a simple mark on their schedule. But life wasn’t always that simple for everyone. For people like Shinji, people who had doubt clouding every action, every word, life became a choose your own adventure with a million what-ifs on every page, and no matter what option was picked, the road not taken weighed heavily on his heart.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What a funny way to live,” Shinji muttered out into his empty room. Except there was no humor in the statement. It reeked of self-pity, his frustration at his own patheticness crept through. He didn’t think he’d ever find his yellow brick road. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sunday afternoon arrived, and the road there was as painful as pulling nails. He couldn’t wait for the clock to chime 3’oclock so he could leave for Kaworu’s. He had received this address in a text message this morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m heading out,” he called out to Asuka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t wake me up when you come crawling back in at 2 am” she said, looking up from her cup of coffee, a fiendish grin on her face. Shinji responded with an exaggerated eye roll. He hadn’t told her the real reason that he was going to Kaworu’s. Though, to be fair, he hadn’t told where he was going at all. She was the type to jump to conclusions in a heartbeat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stepped out into the warm afternoon. It was a gentle warm, that seeped into your bones and helped chipped away at the winter frost. He listened to his music player on the way, trying to drown the sensation of his heart thudding in his chest. He felt that it was loud enough to drown out all other sounds, loud enough for the neighbors to hear, like a car driving by with the bass thumping to the point where its very structure shook. Too loud, too fast, too much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His feet blindly carried him to the train station, down the winding streets, his eyes glued to the gps on the phone screen. Shinji swallowed nervously, as he followed the red path laid out for him, as the blinking blue dot came closer to the red pin, Shinji wondered over and over again as to whether or not he should just abandon this plan. Nothing wrong with him ditching now. He could lie and say there was...well something. An accident would cause Kaworu to worry too much, so it would have to be something minor. Something inconvenient enough that it would be enough cause for him to not show up but not--and shit. He somehow blindly made it up the steps leading up to the third story where Kaworu lived. As Shinji removed his headphones, he glanced around taking in the old apartment complex he stood in.  He had barely paid any attention to the structure. It was made of crumbling stone, the white plaster on all the doors was chipped on many of them, and the long strips of balcony had faded out to a sickly yellow color. It was all so unlike Kaworu himself. The composed boy, who always looked put together and elegant, who seemed like the kind of person to not even have the word ‘ruffled’ in his vocabulary. But Kaworu didn’t have the luxury of a father paying for an education, a father who despite his apathetic mannerisms, still cared enough to provide Shinji money as long as Shinji stayed out of his hair. No Kaworu was building everything in his life with his bare hands. With a deep breath, Shinji rapped at the door with three short knocks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not even a minute went before the door squeaked open, and Kaworu stood there a soft smile on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello Shinji. It’s good to see you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Kaworu thank you for inviting me over. I’m sorry I’m coming with empty hands,” he said sheepishly. Kaworu simply shook his head and waved the guest inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nonsense, Shinji. Now come in.” Shinji wordlessly obeyed, and slipped inside, taking off his shoes at the entrance and padding after Kaworu as the silver haired boy led him to the main space of the apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a simple, small space. There was a closed door directly off the entrance Shinji assumed with the bathroom. The kitchenette was the first room off the entrance, feeling more like an extension of the hall, rather than its own space. He led Shinji through there to the only spacious place in the apartment, though spacious was a generous term. It was the living room that really was just a bedroom. The walls were more or less bare, a portrait of pink lilies hung on the wall, and directly beneath it was a violin on a stand. A small desk sat by the window, some papers spread out on ii, and most of the space was taken by a bed. It wasn’t huge, and it sat rather low to the floor, but the bed itself took up plenty of space. Unlike Shinji’s, it was perfectly made--hospital corners and all. Although, there was no other space to be, there was something oddly intimate about the situation. Enough to cause Shinji to swallow nervously as heat tinged the tips of his ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I apologize for the lack of space, I normally don’t entertain guests.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No no,” Shinji rushed to reassure him. “I apologize for the intrusion, I’m sure you have better things to do than trying to appease me.” Kaworu chuckled, warm and soft. The sound bounced off the walls, filling Shinji with its smooth timbre. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji, I’m the one who invited you here, am I not?”  Shinji wrung his hands out behind him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suppose…” he mumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, shall I put on some tea? Feel free to take a seat wherever,” Kaworu waved his hand around, gesturing to the space, as he dipped out to go set the kettle on. Shinji took this as an opportunity to wander around the space, inspecting things a little more closely, trying to crack the mystery that was Kaworu Nagisa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji examined the violin. It was clearly well-cared for, not a scratch on it. He went closer to the desk, not wanting to rifle through the papers, but at the same time, curiosity spurred him to do everything he knew he shouldn’t. He settled on letting his eyes glance over the papers on the desk-- it was all sheet music. Hand written, and messily scrawled, untitled pieces--or maybe it was all one piece? The half and quarter notes, the C notes and G notes and the codas all swam in his eyes. Anything he had learned while playing cello had lost its clarity, and to Shinji it was more as if he were looking at a foreign language, or some code that he had to crack. He looked around the desk again, but curiously enough, there didn’t seem to be any photographs of anybody who would be personal to Kaworu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji glanced over his shoulder, not wanting Kaworu to catch him looking at the personal effects. He rubbed his hands on his pants, as if the evidence of some crime stained them. He suddenly felt immensely guilty, and as he awkwardly shuffled back to the center of the room, Kaworu came back in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right then, that’ll be ready in a few minutes.” Kaworu sank onto the edge of his bed, one of the only comfortable sitting spots in the room. He patted the empty space next to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come, sit Shinji.” Shinji glanced at the spot where Kaworu’s hand rested, and forced his body forward, sinking down beside the boy. He focused his gaze on the floor in front of him, wondering how he could control himself in the  proximity. Desperate to make conversation he changed the subject.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your place...it’s really nice.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thank you, that’s kind of you to say.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah the violin is beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, it’s the only instrument I have here--I have access to the music building, and the school I work out has plenty of other instruments for me to fiddle around with. No pun intended,” he said lightly. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ha..nice.” Shinji frowned. “I wasn’t snooping I swear, but I noticed you don’t have any photographs or anything on your desk,” he said quietly. “I swear I wasn’t trying to spy or anything! I just noticed, and of course you don’t have to tell me anything and fuck that was really impolite wasn’t it,” he blabbered, realizing quickly he was about to dig himself into a hole he wouldn’t be able to get out of. But Kaworu merely reacted as he always did --unfazed, open and willing to answer any questions Shinji had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I uh, well I never knew my parents. I grew up an orphan.” Oh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh. Oh holy fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shinji thought to himself. He felt humiliated. How long had he known Kaworu? How could he not know that. It was such an insensitive thing to say, to force Kaworu to mention. He should have figured it long ago. God he was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>dense.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He had the audacity to complain about his father, when Kaworu had nobody. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I uh I am so sorry Kaworu, I didn't  mean to to force you to mention painful memories. My god, I’m so sorry!” Shinji cried out, apologizing profusely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, really. I couldn’t miss people I never really knew. I know they were my parents and I should have felt jealousy, but I was lucky. My orphanage was filled with lovely people. Besides. The best families sometimes aren’t the ones you are born with, but the ones you choose.” Shinji stared at Kaworu as he said all this. And as he mentioned choosing family, the boy’s red eyes became imperceptible. They became clouded with an emotion Shinji had never seen before. There was something melancholy in them, a mix between regret and longing, the muddled boundaries of wanting something you can’t have, of not being satisfied. Expressions said more than words, and Shinji felt terrible. Of course it took 5 damn minutes for him to spoil the mood. He dug his nails into his thighs, self-hatred overwhelming him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji.” Kaworu’s voice cut through the storm in Shinji’s head like the brightness of a lighthouse to a ship stranded at sea. He glanced up, and was certain that Kaworu would see the fear that must have been so clearly imprinted in Shinji’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look nervous, Shinji. Please don’t worry. I’m not offended at all--I never told you, so there was no way you could have known that information. I never see the need to bring it up, because I am not interested in people throwing me a pity party. ” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“O-oh. Do I? I’m fine. Really, ” he lied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to lie, you know. The more you bundle these feelings up and stuff them down, the worse it will end up.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know that,” Shinji bit back defensively. He mentally winced at his sharp tone, as he proved Kaworu right almost on command. He sighed, and then rubbed his face, groaning softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Before you say anything Kaworu, I want to apologize.” Kaworu’s eyebrows shot up quizzically, and he frowned, trying to puzzle Shinji out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apologize--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, Kaworu. Just let me apologize for myself. I’m sorry for this past weekend, and the weekend before that, or really any day you have hung out with me. I know I must have crossed the boundary with you somewhere along the line, and that’s why you have probably called me here, to tell me you wish to end relations with me. Especially after this just now and how insensitive I am! I’m the worst I know, and I will leave right now. ” Kaworu stared at him, slack jawed. Shinji probably had hit the nail on the head. Except...he didn’t. As he stood up to excuse himself, Kaworu burst out laughing, throwing his head back, eyes twinkling gleefully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shinji, that’s preposterous! Goodness, you have the imagination. No no, I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I was upset and that caused you anxiety.” Kaworu immediately composed himself, and he sounded sincere, genuine concern obvious in words as he reassured Shinji. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reached up, and grabbed Shinji’s wrist, gently pulling him back down to sitting. It nearly made Shinji’s heart stop. He felt the air leave his lungs, stars burst in his eyes at the sudden touch. It was so comforting, so gentle, so caring and warm. A small squeak escaped his mouth, and Shinji was mortified, ready to die on the spot. Luckily, if Kaworu noticed, he didn’t say anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The reason I called you over was--” and their conversation was cut short by the piercing screech of the kettle. Kaworu looked perturbed, annoyance briefly flashing over his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I will go grab that, and bring back some tea,” Kaworu said with a sigh as he slipped back into the kitchen. Shinji watched him, eyes dragging back to the empty space on the bed beside him. The conversation wasn’t over and he knew that, but relief mixed in with the frustration of the moment being cut short. He needed the few extra minutes while Kaworu made tea to slow his heart rate down and compose himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu was quick in his return, two steaming cups of tea on a small tray in his hand. He set it down in front of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Still very hot,” he explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No it’s fine, thank you very much for this,” he said motioning to the drinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My pleasure. Now, where were we?” Kaworu settled back down, but his posture remained straight, his red eyes locking with Shinji’s blue ones, and he refused to let them break eye contact. The sheer intensity of Kaworu’s gaze locked Shinji in place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“R-right then,” Shinji stammered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji the reason I called you here, besides wanting to see a friend, is I wanted to check on you. Privately. Away from everybody, and in person. It’s rather easy to fake a smile in a message. I’ve noticed it before, and I noticed it on Friday, You always seem to withdraw in group settings.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji blinked, taken aback. He knew that Kaworu was acute with his observations, but this took things to a new level. He was used to flying under the radar--most of the people in his life took his constant moody state as the norm. It made his heart flutter in a way he didn’t expect. It was the secret of being known. The discovery of that secret by Kaworu flushed over Shinji like a sunrise. Hazy golden light washing everything anew, stirring life and hope. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“I..” Shinji began softly. Where did he even begin to explain. It felt like the moment he tried to verbalize his emotions, they dissolved into petty trifles that meant nothing. Kaworu gave him an encouraging nod. Shinji took another deep breath, steadying himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am grateful for every moment I spend with you Kaworu. Truly, I consider myself very lucky to be your friend. And I have had more fun than I’ve had in my entire life since I have met you. And I knew this would happen, I felt in my gut, and I can’t be mad at you, can I?” Shinji looked back down at the floor, grasping at the fabric on his jeans tightly. Shame overtook him on every front, and tears of humiliation burned at the backs of his eyes, threatening to burst out any moment if he didn’t compose himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“ She’s amazing and outgoing, and everybody loves her. Asuka draws everyone in,” he continued bitterly. “I have no right to dictate who you interact with, but I couldn’t help but get jealous. It’s her isn’t it? You love Asuka don’t you Kaworu?” Shinji’s voice cracked at the last part. A vicious sob threatened to tear away from him and he took another shaky breath, desperate to keep himself together until afterwards at least, when he could look pathetic on his walk of shame home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was silence for a brief moment, the weight of Shinji’s confession heavy in the air. He was certain that the puzzle had locked into place, that Kaworu’s next words would be his agreement with Shinji. That once he met her, Shinji had just been a tool to get close to her. It’s not like that had been the first time in his life that something of that sort had happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that really what you think?” Kaworu’s voice was uncharacteristically low. The man was generally soft-spoken, but the way he asked Shinji...the terseness could be felt. It was the kind that came with holding back a flood of emotions, a tone of voice Shinji was well aware of, having experienced it numerous times himself. Shinji shrugged his shoulders in response, defeated. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not dumb, Kaworu. I can see it,” he said a little more harshly than intended. Shinji felt a weight on his shoulder and looked up. Kaworu’s hand rested in a motion of comfort on Shinji, and his grasp was firm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no I don’t believe you are dumb at all Shinji. Just a tad dense. Well, incredibly dense.” Shinji furrowed his brows in confusion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does that mean?” He retorted. Kaworu sighed, red eyes twinkling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means, you have a fantastic ability to weave the stories you want to see, no matter how self-destructive they may be. It means, you consistently push away happiness from yourself, even though you deserve it more than anybody. It means that you’re determined to wallow in your negativities, when the light is being offered to you because you’re too afraid to relish in the beauty of life. It means,” and suddenly Kaworu’s face was centimeters from Shinji’s own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was so close Shinji could see the dark flecks in Kaworu’s eyes, like little black stars in a deep red galaxy. He was so close, Shinji  could smell the faint whiff of his cologne, warm and musky. So close that Shinji’s hands began to tremble at the effort of resisting making his dreams come true--the month long dream of tasting Kaworu, of making him his, of experiencing in every slow, glorious, agonizing second. So close, that when Kaworu leaned in to whisper into Shinji’s ear, Shinji felt the air leave Kaworu’s lips, felt the brush of them on his earlobe so that it shivers down his spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <span>“It means that in other words, I love </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah! Goodness I can't believe I've made it this far (and trust me we still have a looooong way to go). This chapter is really special to me, because Disloyal Order is one of my favorite songs ever (by my favorite band of my favorite album ahaha) but thanks for sticking around folks! &lt;3 I hope you enjoy, and getting to interact with all the feedback means the world and more!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>“My hands are shaking from holding back from you”</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>                                                             -Dress, Taylor Swift</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At their core humans are animals, driven by primal urges from ancient eras that once fueled their survival but now were used to add sparks to their life. And while Shinji had spent most of his life stifling those urges, he let himself free, letting his hands and heart guide him rather than his willpower. He grabbed Kaworu, smashing his lips into the angelic boy, he tangled his hands in that soft silvery halo, and drank him in, sucking at his lips. There were the sounds of buttons popping, the thin threads of fabric tearing as Shinji realized Kaworu was pulling at shirt, too hasty to be neat. And then his heart nearly stopped as the cool sensation of Kaworu’s delicate fingers on his bare chest hit him. He felt the pressure rise on his chest until something hot and wet began to trickle down his chest,the air beginning to fill with a coppery scent, and the places where Kaworu’s nails were digging were stinging. A growl rose up deep in his throat and he pushed harder into the other boy. He wouldn’t be satisfied until every last bit of Kaworu’s was his. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kaworu’s body melted under him, feeling soft and malleable. Shinji pressed forward, pushing the silver haired boy down onto the bed, his hands trailing down and digging into Kaworu’s slender shoulders, pale like snow, pinning down. He kissed him until his lungs burned for air, kissed him until stars danced across his vision, kissed him like the world was ending and this was the last action he’d ever take. Shinji finally pulled back, but only because his body physically demanded it, not because his heart said, although his lips very much wanted more. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji sat there for a moment, hovering over Kaworu, his ready red gaze meeting the sky of Shinji’s eyes. They panted heavily, disheveled and dazed as they processed the passion in the spur of the moment. Unconsciously, Shinji’s hand went to his bare chest where he felt the slickness from the beads of blood coming from the half moon marks on his chest left by Kaworu’s nicely. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My apologies, that was rather rough wasn’t it,” Kaworu apologized. His voice was husky, and far away in a way that was so unlike him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay it’s..no I’m sorry for reacting so wildly,” Shinji responded. For that brief minute, his brain had finally stopped screaming at him, his thoughts sluggish, and now things were picking up again, racing at a million miles an hour. Shame? Guilt? He should be feeling those things, he was so aggressive, there were no permissions asked, but it felt so </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Felt good in a way that only another human could complete. Not the loneliness of just him alone in his room, trying to find meaning in his touch, but something more akin to completion. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kaworu reached up, cupping Shinji’s cheek in his hand. The simple touch sent shivers down the latter’s spine in a way that the kissing didn’t. It felt intimate, the kind of affection reserved for behind closed doors. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize for showing your true feelings. You have nothing to be sorry for,” Kaworu said plainly. And then, his hand snaked behind Shinji’s head, resting at the nape of his neck and he pulled Shinji back down, their lips meeting in a moment that felt just as exquisite as the first time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hungrily, greedily, Shinji kissed Kaworu. His hands floated down and they broke apart for a brief moment, just long enough for Shinji to rip Kaworu’s shirt off of him, and toss it to the side, and then they crashed back together. Shinji wouldn’t let go, fingers crawling back around Kaworu’s shoulders, as he dug his hands in, relishing the sensation of skin on skin. There were too many words to be said in the moment, and at the same time, there was no need for them. Nothing had to be explained if they were too busy kissing--it was really a win win situation. Words made things awkward and clumsy (at least Shinji felt like his did), and actions spoke a thousand times louder, didn’t they? He felt Kaworu’s hands trail down his chest and abdomen, felt him trace the curve of his hips and then Kaworu’s hands found the button of his pants. Shinj felt the pressure of the waistband being released, heard the sound of the zipper being pulled down, and then he was certain he felt his heart stopped, as he felt Kaworu’s hand slip under the elastic of his boxers. A groan escaped him as Kaworu rubbed his other hand on  the inside of Shinji’s thigh, as the other rubbed along his cock. His legs bowed in, Kaworu’s touch teasing but just as graceful as if he were playing a piece on the piano. The pleasure made his mind even hazier, desire the only thought on his mind, Shinji’s lips trailed down Kaworu’s jawline, he kissed at his pale neck, sucking at the spots where he let his lips linger, and as he reached the space where Kaworu’s neck met his shoulders, right where it sloped where his collarbone was, Shinji bared his teeth, biting the soft skin. Kaworu’s back arched underneath him, his stroking becoming more frantic and Shinji held on more tightly, his vision exploding in white stars. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they finally pulled apart, this time well and truly exhausted with burning lungs and scratched up chests and shoulders and necks, hair wild like they just ran through a storm and clothing torn and bruised lips, Shinji rolled over, collapsing next to Kaworu on the mattress. There was silence, just the ragged panting of both of them trying to catch their breath once more. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji covered his eyes with arms, heart pounding, as he struggled to find the words to say.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“People say dreams are magical, but I don’t think anything quite lives up to reality,” Kaworu murmured. Shinji turned his head, eyes sliding over to Kaworu. The other man had propped himself up on his arm, head in hand, a lazy smile spread across his face. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Shinji flushed a dark red, surprised with himself at how emboldened he had felt just minutes prior. But at the same time, an apology didn’t feel right. Instead, he settled on saying “I’m still not sure that this isn’t a dream,” his words slurring as they came out. The rush of adrenaline that came over him in the moment wore off, leaving him exhausted. “I think the tea that kept interrupting us is cold by now.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kaworu chuckled,  “Yes, I suppose it is.” He reached over, taking the arm down by Shinji’s side, and threaded his fingers through Shinji’s hands. He slowly rubbed circles at the spot where the thumb met the rest of the hand. It was smoothing, and Shinji couldn’t help but squeeze Kaworu’s hand, marvelling at the fact that </span>
  <em>
    <span>this was all real.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how long they lay there, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours, but by the time that they sat up and began to put themselves back together, the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon, casting  its golden red brilliance all throughout Kaworu’s room. Shinji patted his hair down, and as he buttoned up his torn shirt, some of the buttons loose, and one of them missing, he frowned. This would be hard to explain to Asuka, especially because he had neglected to take a jacket with him. Kaworu, who had slipped his shirt back on, seemed to notice the dilemma. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can just borrow one of mine,” a mischievous grin playing out on his face as he made the offer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, definitely, thank you.”  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji frowned. Where did he go from here? Were they something more? Was this a one time thing--something Kaworu would later look upon as an egregious error? Kaworu bent down, and grabbed the two now cold cups of tea, and set them on his desk. He was carrying on like normal, except for the glances he kept shooting back at Shinji. The brown haired boy was lost in the labyrinth of his thoughts to even notice, instead he kept playing with the hem of shirt. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This can be whatever you want it to be,” Kaworu murmured softly. Shinji snapped out of his thoughts, surprised not just by how comforting those words sounded, but by the expression on Kaworu’s face. There were no hidden expectations, he spoke with a candor that contained no hidden caveats. But Kaworu was human, and even the humans with the purest of intentions would still betray some sense of emotion. He could see the longing in Kaworu’s eyes, the way hope shone brighter than any star could in his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji tossed around several options in his head. But the biggest question was, yes he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kaworu, but was he ready for a relationship? Could he learn to love someone else? Be with someone else? Kaworu already occupied a good portion of this thoughts, but where was the boundary between love and selfishness? Could he love Kaworu if he couldn’t stand his own damn self? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you in my life,” Shinji began slowly. Suddenly, it felt like Kaworu’s small room was only getting smaller. Were the walls caving in, or was that his own mind? He felt the words beginning to crawl up his throat and get stuck there, choking him. Kaworu’s face remained imperceptible, unchanging from the calm sky it was, edges of hope lighting it up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you in my life, and what happened between us...was a long time coming. I. I don’t want to be selfish , I don’t want to rob you of your youth, of your love. I feel like you’re the kind of person who most people don’t ever even get to experience in their life--and I’m wildly lucky for that. I completely understand. So it’s all the more reason for me to just not fuck things up. If that makes sense?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji braced himself, waited for Kaworu to crumble and fall apart. He knew that he was never good at living up to others expectations, but the worst part was knowing that this time around, Shinji was hurting someone who truly cared deeply for him--and hurting someone that he himself truly loved. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But it never came. Kaworu gave a small dry laugh. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shinji, have you ever stopped to consider, that as special as you say I am to you, you are to me? You have reduced yourself to being a side character in your own story--when you’re the main character in mine. I wish you could see your own brilliance.” Kaworu took a step towards Shinji, pulling Shinji in and planting a kiss on his cheek. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But, I’ll be here, waiting for whenever you’re ready,” he whispered as he ripped his lips away, the memory of them destined to be burning forever on Shinji’s skin. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The stars were hidden by clouds this evening. A breeze rippled through the Tokyo streets, and Shinji wrapped Kaworu’s black  coat a little tighter around him, shivering as he did. After their discussion, he hadn’t stuck around for much longer, fearing what would happen if he did linger. It was not a rejection, it was a hesitation. And maybe, in some ways, that was worse. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji chewed at his lip until he felt blood, every step felt heavy, and he wondered if he was about to crack like a broken statue. He felt fragile enough to do so. He thought what he did was the emotionally mature thing, and now he was doubting himself. He pulled out his phone, only to find that there were no notifications. It wasn’t late enough for Asuka to be pestering him about things, it was just barely 7:30. So he decided to take the long way home, to wander around the neighborhood and listen to the sounds of life, of love, of what it felt like to truly experience being a human instead of floating through life like he was. To be able to connect with others, insteading of immediately setting up a wall because he wasn’t sure what he was more afraid of--disappointing others or getting hurt. Because he felt like anybody who hung around him was doomed for suffering. But at this point it would be a lie if he said he didn’t recognize it was his own self-sabotaging. He didn’t believe he deserved any happiness, so any time he got close to it, he ran from it. He looked it right in the eye, and shot it down, wallowing in his own grief. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Listening to the echoing shouts down his street, seeing the faint glow of lights in living room windows, felt like a fist tightening around his lungs. Jealousy lingered like an ugly beast, a serpent snaking up through his stomach and esophagus, nestling in the spaces between his ribs and squeezing his heart, killing him slowly while devouring him whole. Maybe it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>family</span>
  </em>
  <span> per say that he was searching for with Kaworu, but it was that feeling that he had been searching for his whole life. The feeling of having a world beyond his darkened room, of having somebody waiting at home for him, not just the ghost of his mother haunting his father’s memory, the empty seats at the dining table where his father’s absence felt more like a heavy presence, always staring at Shinji, reminding him that he wasn’t good enough to make his father love him. Wasn’t enough for his father to be there, to care. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shinji didn’t even notice he was crying until he felt the cool sensation of a teardrop trickling off his cheek. A sob wracked through his body, and it was an awful, strangled sound. The kind that was a half wheeze, half wail, that felt like an injured animal. He needed to get home, lest anyone see him having a breakdown in the middle of the street. He rushed through the streets, up the stairs to his apartment, and burst the door open. Asuka was at the table, slurping away at cup noodles. She raised an eyebrow at Shinji’s appearance in the doorway. Breathing heavily, tear stained cheeks and puffy red eyes, bundled up in a coat that clearly wasn’t his, and his hair mussed and sticking out in every direction. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Welcome back,” she said through a mouthful of noodles. Asuka was a peculiar being. For all her pushing and prodding, for all her brash words and bullying, she still </span>
  <em>
    <span>cared</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Whether it be through her own experiences, or her acute perception, she somehow always knew when to back off. She knew when a topic was better left untouched, and that sometimes, not talking about something was the best way to leave things. She knew that if she pushed Shinji, he would snap and storm off, or just immediately shut down. She took one look and knew that if Shinji wanted to talk, he would talk. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He kicked off his shoes, and shuffled into the room, settling down into a chair, not even bothering to take off his coat. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you hungry?” Shinji shook his head slowly in response. Asuka took another long slurp of noodles. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I fucked up worse than usual,” Shinji said slowly, his voice gravelly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So how are you going to fix it?” She never offered condolences. In Asuka’s world, everything was fixable. If you just try hard enough, you can make it better, no matter how broken something is, you could always do something about it. It’s the principle she had always lived her life by. Shinji stared intently at the grooves in the table, tracing the whorls in the wood with his finger. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m...not sure.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Feeling bad for yourself won’t get you anywhere.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was right. That didn’t make it any easier to throw away those coping mechanisms. He held his tongue, resisting the urge to snap something nasty at her. Asuka finished her cup of noodles, and stood up going to toss it out along with the wooden chopsticks she was using. As she headed back towards her room, she paused, and turned back towards him. There was a moment where she didn’t say anything, just stared at him as he continued to dedicate his attention to the marks in the table. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not as bad as you think you are dumbass. Anytime something in your life ends disastrously, it’s cause you continued barreling down the track of disaster as soon as it came near you. It’s not too late to turn around.”  And with that, she padded down the hallway, the thud of the door followed by the soft click of the lock resounding through the dining room. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The next morning, Shinji woke up to the sound of his alarm cutting through dreamless sleep. He fumbled for his phone, shutting off the awful sound. It was early, but he had to get ready for class. His mind flashed back through the previous day’s events, like a film in frames. He felt queasy, and curled in on himself. Above all, however, Asuka’s words stood out to him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re not as bad as you think you are. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>How will you fix it?</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He stared at his phone, and with trembling fingers dialed Kaworu’s number. The phone rang once, twice, three times. Fuck. He was about ready to hang up, not even bothering to leave a voicemail when the trills of the dial tone were cut off by a soft</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shinji?” Relief washed over him, relief followed by a heart pounding, air snatching anxiety. He didn’t respond right away, warranting a “Hello?” from Kaworu. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kaworu, hi, good morning yeah. Sorry for calling so early.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, no it’s okay. Is everything alright?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, yeah I’m okay. I...I just wanted to apologize for last night.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t apologize, I’m sorry if I put too much pressure on you.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, you didn’t. At all. Really, you responded with more respect than anybody could ever ask for.” Shinji stared out the window, the soft rays of morning spilled over the streets. There were a few people milling about, a stray tabby, and the occasional car ambling by. It was rather serene, and a stark contrast to the turbulence he felt inside. He took a deep breath and continued. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I get scared easily. I run away a lot--far too much really. In an effort to destroy myself, I hurt everyone around me. So I’m sorry. Because you deserve better than that, truly you really do. Yesterday, with you on your bed...it was the most alive I have ever felt. And I got scared because of that. I felt hope and happiness, and I got so scared that I tried killing it on the spot. I’m really really sorry, and I’ve felt like absolute shit since. So..uh..if you’ll still have me...I want to try this again. Kaworu. I really appreciate your feelings, and I’m honored for them to be directed at me. I’m scared that I’ll fuck this up beyond repair, but..if you are okay with it, I would be over the moon to be called your boyfriend.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a pause, and for a moment he had though the line went dead. But then Kaworu spoke, and Shinji could hear the smile in his voice, he could practically envision it in his head. He closed his eyes, and saw the pleased glimmer and Kaworu’s red eyes, the curve of his cheek and the way the gentle smile lit up his whole being. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ikari Shinji. I am the luckiest man on earth for you to accept my emotions like this. And I ask but one thing of you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Wh-what is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please stop acting like your existence is a punishment. It’s a gift, and everyone around you is so happy to experience it.” Shinji’s mouth opened into a small ‘o’, and tears threatened to spill out of him again. He felt appreciated, truly, thoroughly accepted and appreciated.</span>
  <em>
    <span> This is what heaven must be like, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he briefly thought to himself, before swallowing his emotions and composing himself. Trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice, he could only manage a </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I’ll do my best.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Good. I have to head to work, but I’ll talk to you later dear.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Have a wonderful day Kaworu,” Shinji whispered before hanging up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He fell back onto his bed, a giddy smile on his lips. He felt so alive, so electric, like he could reach out and grab the stardust floating in the cosmos with his bare hand. He did it, just like Asuka said. He had fixed it, nothing was too broken, and he had salvaged it. And it felt pretty damn good to finally feel proud of himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WE MADE IT TO THE END OF THE FIRST ARC!!!! </p>
<p>Thank you for the kudos and the comments and the bookmarks and the hits! I know this comparably isn't much, but it's the most attention anything I've ever made has received. I'm having so much fun with this project and I thank you all for interacting with my (not so little story). That being said, a couple notes: </p>
<p>1) Because of a combination of writer's block, personal stuff, and the Spring semester kicking my ass, I don't actually have any more chapters written ahead. I want to make sure I only provide you all with content I am proud of, so I most likely will not be uploading next week and potentially the week after--just so I can get ahead in writing, and plan out this next arc a little more thoroughly! I'm a little anxious about this and hopefully won't lose too many of you all, but again: quality over quantity~</p>
<p>2) What a complete coincidence that this week's song happens to be Dress by Taylor Swift and the queen herself announced the Love Story rerecording dropping tonight--all I'm saying is if the next few chapters are unbearably sappy you know why! hehe with that said, I'll see you guys in a few weeks!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>“</b> <b> <em>Don’t take me tongue tied// Don’t kiss me goodnight” </em> </b></p>
<p>
  <b> <em>                                               -Grouplove, “Tonguetied” </em> </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Boyfriend. A two syllable word. A romantic partner who is male. A simple word--but a word that makes the world feel brighter. The lightens everything with a glow, that makes the streets flow with syrup, a lemon drop sun glimmering up above, a sugar cane always on your tongue, sweetening your lips. For the past few days, Shinji felt like he was floating on air. Every step was lighter, his voice filled with more emotions, a goofy grin replacing his usual somber visage. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There had been no first date yet, just plenty of phone calls and texting in class, while Kaworu was at work, and at night. In theory, not much had changed--they were texting in class before, staying up half the night talking, but it all felt so much more intimate now.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course, they were now struggling to find a time to actually meet up to plan a proper date. It seemed as if they had already expended all their free time, and now as the semester picked up again, nothing quite worked right. Kaworu was spending a lot of time teaching the young kids at the school, and Shinji himself realized he should get a job. If not to move away from his father’s money, to at least be able to treat Kaworu.  Everytime he thought about being able to buy his <em> boyfriend </em> a gift, to treat him to dinner, he felt his heart flutter. He now had somebody to be able to give to, to provide things to. His existence wasn’t just fueled for himself, there was somebody to direct his love towards. Over the days, Shinji kept thinking back to the day in the plum garden, to Kaworu’s words. It had all felt strangely philosophical for a simple outing, but he supposed looking back it made perfect sense. And he kept kicking himself mentally a hundred times over every time thought of it. <em> I really am the densest idiot on planet Earth </em>, he thought every time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He hadn’t even told Asuka yet. It was so fresh and new, he wanted to preserve this moment of bliss--where the only people in the world that knew that only people in <em> his </em> world were Kaworu and himself, and they could exist without judgement. Not that Asuka <em> would </em> judge him, but he wasn’t in the mood to deal with any comments about his newfound relationship from anyone.</p>
<p>He had even asked Kaworu about it the night before on one of their phone calls. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kaworu? Have you told anyone yet?” Shinji had murmured into the receiver.</p>
<p>“Told anyone about what?” Kaworu’s voice came in clear through the other line, as if he were right next to Shinji. </p>
<p>“About us.” Kaworu chuckled a little. </p>
<p>“Who would I tell?” Shinji shrugged, a grunt meant to be ‘I dunno’ accompanying it. </p>
<p>“Don’t get me wrong Shinji, I would scream it to the world off the roof of the highest building on the planet if I could. But I know you aren’t ready, so I want to respect your boundaries.” Shinji squeezed his eyes shut, hoping he could imagine the ghost of Kaworu’s touch dancing across his skin, pulling him close. </p>
<p>“Thank you Kaworu,” he had whispered. </p>
<p>“Of course Shinji.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They had said their goodnights not too long after that, promises of talking to each other the next day, of seeing each other soon. It was always a continuation, never a definite end. A comma breaking up the days, not a period. And it was comforting in a way nothing else had ever been. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*** </p>
<p>Sometime in mid-April, Shinji got the call that he had finally managed to land himself a job. It was just a convenience store not far from his apartment, but it was a job nonetheless. A job that meant money and money meant...well it meant he could do just about anything, or so he thought. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And so, he found himself scrambling to get to his first day of work on a Monday in mid-April. It was late afternoon, and he’d be working until the late hours of the night--a scheduled worked out to be convenient for a university student like him. Shinji stared at himself briefly in the mirror, smoothing out his uniform, before taking a deep breath and heading out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He walked down the street, the bright afternoon sun guiding his path. Sunset was getting to be later and later, and the warm Spring air was fragrant with the perfume of flowers, warming him down to his bones. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> I’m about to start my first shift! </em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was such a mundane thing, but for once Shinji had someone he was excited to share the details of his life--all the small things and all the big things. The response to his message came not long after. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Have fun, Shinji. I’m sure you’re going to be fine. </em>  Followed by a red heart. <br/><br/>Shinji read the message several times over, internalizing it. Kaworu believed in him, there was nothing to be nervous over. It was the first day--he didn’t need to be perfect. He rounded the corner, the small shop with its neon strips greeting him. He was met with a blast of cold air as he stepped inside and made his way to the counter, where an older man was sat behind it, flipping through a magazine. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Um, excuse me?” Shinji softly said. “My name is Ikari Shinji, I’m supposed to start here today.” The man looked up from his magazine. He was tall, with a bald head and a full beard, and his figure was one that belonged in a pro-wrestling ring--not behind a counter at a convenience store. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah. You’re the new kid. I’m Koji Takao.” He shot a glance at the clock, and turned back to Shinji, eyebrow raised. “And you’re early, too. Good for you.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thank you Mr.Koji. I uh I look forward to working with you,” Shinji said meekly. Takao snorted, as if Shinji had something accidentally funny. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well. Are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna get behind the counter so I can start training you?” Shinji yelped and scurried behind the character, off put by the man’s brash manner. But he was lucky enough to have a job, and he wanted the position so it looked like his only choice was to suck it up and learn to deal with the character of his new coworker. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>The next few hours were a blur. It was filled with an overflow of new information, peppered with minute details of how to clean out the soda streams, replacing the coffee filters, where the food stuffs were kept, how boxes with hot food and refrigerated stuff had to be kept separate, closing procedures and opening procedures. A million things jam packed into several hours. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Takao was surprisingly nicer than his gruff demeanor would let on. But Shinji got the feeling his kindness extended more from a place of convenience. He had no interest in cleaning up Shinji’s messes if he screwed something up. He was the kind of man that valued efficiency above all--after all, the sooner he got everything done, the sooner he could go back to relaxing. There was an occasional customer popping in every now and then, but it wasn’t until around 6 p.m. or so that it picked up. Shinji was more than happy to let Takao take charge, but the older man grabbed Shinji by the arm, jerking him behind the register. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’ll never learn if you don’t do it yourself!” He said with a hearty clap to Shinji’s back. Shinji yelped and stumbled forward, flashing an apologetic smile to the customer who just wanted to buy his 20 cup ramens. His hands shook terribly as he scanned each individual ramen, he fumbled a couple of them, and they clattered on the counter with their hollow rattling. He could practically feel Takao’s gaze on his back, and even though there was plenty of distance between the two of them, Shinji was fairly certain if he tried hard enough, he could imagine the cold wetness of Takao’s breath on the back of his neck. Finally, after what felt like a million years, the painful interaction ended. The customer huffed out, clutching his two bags of styrofoam cup instant noodles, the familiar tritone bell of the store marking his leave. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji sank back on the stool behind him, clutching his chest. The rush of adrenaline had left him, leaving his heart pounding. <em> It’s just customer service, </em>he scolded himself, frustrated at the way his mouth felt like it was filled with glue and his heart was pounding. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It could’ve gone worse,” Takao commented from his corner. Shinji shot him a weak smile. </p>
<p>“Thanks for the help,” he said dryly. Takao chuckled heartily. It was deep and gravelly. </p>
<p>“So you do have some bite to you.” The older man came over, checking the register. “You did fine for your first time flying solo, there’s no need to stress it so much.” Shinji sighed and ran a hand through his hair. </p>
<p>“I suppose you’re right.”</p>
<p>“Now then, want to go lay out some prawn crackers?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a question that was more of a demand. Shinji had heard plenty of those throughout his lifetime. He wandered in the back storage room, which was lined with metal shelves cluttered with brown cardboard boxes, scrawled sharpies and return labels marking them with the product that they held inside. Harsh fluorescents illuminated the space, and for some reason there was the faint smell of fried chicken and cheese--not fresh, but the kind that imprinted itself when enough cartons containing those products came through. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As soon as he walked in, it was significantly colder than the outside, and the stuffed walls blocked out all the noise. Shinji breathed a small sigh of relief as soon as he walked in and was out of sight. He cast another careful glance over his shoulder and wandered towards the back. He didn’t know the place well enough to have picked a proper hiding spot, but he was certain it couldn’t be that hard to find at least a temporary one. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Luckily, he didn’t have to search for long. He went towards the very back, where several aisles converged into a little corner with chips on one side of him, and cleaning supplies rested on the other side. Shinji pulled out his phone and sank down onto his haunches. There were several messages waiting from him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Asuka: Hey now that you’re working in a convenience store can you bring home free food?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’d love some coffee and beer, maybe some microwave meals. I’m too busy to go to the store. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Well that one was no surprise. There was another that was a neighborhood security notification for a missing cat, and then the message he was hoping to see. It had been sent a couple hours back, when he was barely an hour into his shift. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Kaworu: I hope you are enjoying your shift! I can’t wait to hear all about it </em> . <br/><br/>Shinji couldn’t help but let a small smile bloom on his face. This was such a mundane occurrence, most people wouldn’t even think twice about it, but when something was special to him, he wanted it to be special to others. And here Kaworu was, somebody who found everything in Shinji’s life wonderful. Shinji shot back a quick reply. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> ‘Enjoying’ is a bit too strong of a word I think? But I haven’t died yet, and my coworker Takao is half-decent at training me. </em>The response was almost instantaneous. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Only half? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> He’s...off putting. Sink or swim military type.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Are you an obedient soldier, or a rebel force?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m a very tired college student.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I just chuckled out loud. Only a few more hours left--are you on break?  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Not technically, I got sent to get chips to restock and now I’m hiding in the backroom. Speaking of which, I should probably head back now.  </em>
</p>
<p><em> Okay. Talk to you later </em> and signed with a purple heart. Shinji sent a blue one back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He stood back up straight, and shoved his phone back in his pocket, wincing as his cramped joints popped out. Shinji stood up and meandered around the aisles, finger trailing along the boxes until he found the one he was looking for. With a grunt, he brought it down, cracking it open to find the needed prawn crackers. He carried it back out to the main floor, and Takao raised an eyebrow when he saw Shinji. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Glad you didn’t get eaten by any ghosts when you were back there. You were gone so long I thought you died.”</p>
<p>“Not yet,” Shinji simply said back as he made his way to where the empty shelf was. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His shift ended almost at midnight, and he was <em> exhausted </em>. Not so much physically, but mentally. Takao forced him to interact with every customer, to get comfortable with procedure, and basically train him to be ready to take control of things straight off the bat. When he finally said goodbye and shuffled out, Shinji could only dream of his bed. He sighed, staring up at the starless sky. He was too far in the city to see any stars, and the pale glow of the moon was hidden by the yellow glow of the sodium lamps spilling onto the sidewalk, making him feel like he was walking through a lucid dream instead of the late night Tokyo streets. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji sighed, and as he stared at the long road ahead of him, rolled his shoulders back and dug out his phone. He figured Kaworu was asleep by now, but he might as well text his boyfriend, let him know that he was okay, and after that he could plug in his earphones and have the comfort of his music on the walk home. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He started down the path, nose buried in his phone as he started typing out the message, when in the still of the night, a voice called out to him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If you’re not careful, you’ll trip Shinji.” And then familiar warm hands were on shoulders, twisted him around, and cold hands were tilting his chin up so he was staring into dark eyes that glimmered like rubies and then soft lips, lips that felt like honey spilling over his mouth were pressed to his and Shinji thought he was melting onto the pavement with his soul spiralling off into the starry sky. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kaworu,” he said breathlessly when they finally pulled apart.  “It’s so late, what are you doing here?” </p>
<p>His boyfriend smiled, and he looked so ethereal in that moment, for a moment Shinji hesitated in believing this was real. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I had to make sure you got home safe. Besides, I wanted to celebrate. You’re a working man now.” Shinji snorted. “I hardly think a part time job at a convenience store is enough to qualify me as a working man.”</p>
<p>Kaworu shook his head a little bit, closing his eyes as a little huff of air escaped him. “You truly refuse to give yourself credit for anything you do, don’t you?”  </p>
<p>Shinji opened and closed his mouth several times, struggling to find a way to refute this claim. </p>
<p>“I don’t want to be perceived as arrogant,” was the best he could come up with. </p>
<p>Kaworu chuckled, the airy cadence echoing down the street. “I think that’s the last word anybody would use to describe you.”</p>
<p>Shinji felt a warmth spread across his cheeks, and he leaned over planting a kiss on Kaworu’s cheek. </p>
<p>“Thank you Kaworu. Shall we head home--or I guess. Do you want me to walk you home? You live farther away.” </p>
<p>Kaworu’s hand snaked down and he interlaced his fingers with Shinji’s, almost immediately, Shinji squeezed Kaworu’s hand in an almost automatic action. With the warmth of each other guiding them, the two headed down the street, with Shinji relaying the first day of the wonderful world of convenience stores. He pestered Kaworu about his day along the way, asked him about the kids and the songs, and what melodies he had running around in his head. And their banter peppered the talk all the way home, their two voices mixing together in a wonderful synchronous manner, somehow sparking up the dark and making night feel less like its own arduous journey, and instead another wonderful moment in the passing of time. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time Shinji climbed the steps up to his apartment, Kaworu behind him the lights were off in the window. He turned around, pressing a finger to his lips as he dug around for the keys located in his back pocket. He pulled them out, the keychain tinkling softly, but the dead stillness of midnight made it sound like microphone feedback in an amphitheater. Shinji stuck the key in and slowly turned it, the pressure keeping the door in place releasing as soon as he pushed it. Inside, he was met with a darkened hallway. Shinji kicked off his shoes, Kaworu mimicking him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t think Asuka is awake,” Shinji whispered. Kaworu nodded in agreement. Shinji dropped his keys on the countertop and padded towards his room, his companion trailing behind him. He held the door open, and his boyfriend slipped in. Shinji was about to follow when a voice from behind him said </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know if you’re gonna bring boys home at late hours of the night, a warning would be nice at least.” Shinji whipped around, where Asuka stood in her door frame, crossing her arms as her long red hair tumbled down her back, free from its normal clips and bands. She stood with her eyebrows raised, blue eyes appraising the situation and making a million assumptions. And at this point, almost all of them had to be true. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji felt his face turn beet red. </p>
<p>“I..uh..” how did he even argue this? “We weren’t planning anything illicit, Jesus!” was all he managed to splutter out. </p>
<p>“Yet!” Kaworu chimed in as his face peeked out from around Shinji’s shoulder. Shinji felt himself go slack jawed. </p>
<p>“Not helping!” He squeaked out, shooting a glare back. But the smile on Kaworu’s face was too playful for Shinji to have any actual venom behind his words. </p>
<p>“How long?” Asuka asked. </p>
<p>“A couple of weeks,” he muttered knowing there was no point in hiding it any longer. She snorted. </p>
<p>“Figured. Well don’t do anything that time won’t heal.” She slipped back into her room, the door clicking shut behind it. Shinji <em> swore </em>he could hear her putting in her headphones, but he would never say it aloud, not wanting to be accused of projecting. And then the tranquility of the moment was broken as Kaworu spun Shinji around, pulling him by his shirt front and pressing his lips to Shinji’s own once more. Shinji reached out with his leg, kicking the door shut and in the darkness, they stumbled toward the bed, collapsing onto it in a heap of tangled arms and legs. Shinji pressed himself to Kaworu’s body, feeling like his missing puzzle piece was finally completed. He soaked up Kaworu’s warmth. Despite looking like a sculpture made of snow and ice, he was radiant like the sun. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji breathed in his gentle smell...lavenders and clean linen. It was a Sunday afternoon in the Summer, the sun spilling its incandescent glow over a warm patch of grass, as they watched clouds, and nibbled on snacks, laughing at their petty worries. But as he lay there in Kaworu’s arms, for once he didn’t hate being in his room, didn’t hate living his life and being where he was. And he <em> definitely </em> didn’t hate it when they started kissing again and Shinji rolled them over so he was straddling Kaworu, and letting his fingertips dance across Kaworu’s neck, and as he pried open the buttons to his shirt. He relished in the dark space of his room, where the only thing he was aware of was physical sensation, and the way their bodies melded together. This was the first time they were together since they had actually gotten together, and without the uncertainty of reciprocated feelings, there was no need to hold back. Somewhere along the lines, they managed to unbutton the other’s pants, in a clumsy and hasty effort to get the task out of the way. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw the way that Kaworu’s knuckles clutched at the sheets for dear life, every muscle tense. Shinji felt Kaworu’s back arch, their bodies press closer together, feeling like volts of electricity were running through them both. He knew he had to let Kaworu go, it was the middle of the week, their lives would continue tomorrow, but he wanted to exist in this timeless sea for a few moments longer. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What time do you have to be up tomorrow?” Shinji murmured, trying not to let the desperation leak out. </p>
<p>“Don’t worry about it,” Kaworu replied in a low voice, more concerned with the physical. </p>
<p>“Kaworu it’s far past midnight, if you have work I really don’t want to keep you up. Fuck you shouldn’t even try to go home it’s so late. Just borrow my clothes and stuff,” Shinji said between gasps of air, every time he felt the gentle pressure of Kaworu’s fingers sink lower and lower around his waist, down his hips, squeezing his butt. </p>
<p>“Mmm,” was his reply.  “Yeah that’s fine, Shinji just let us have this moment. It’s been too long. I’ll stay the night and leave early, gladly. But right now, I just want this. I just want you.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And with those words Shinji let himself go, letting the heat of the moment color his vision, let his breath choke up and escape in ragged gasps. He let himself relish the way Kaworu’s body gave way beneath him, relished how small and fragile Kaworu felt under him, and how much control he felt. He delighted in the way Kaworu shouted his name, his head thrown back, Adam’s apple sticking out in a harsh line. Sometimes, the best things in life really were worth waiting for. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wasn’t sure when they fell asleep, only that at some point, he had curled up next to Kaworu, and the other man threw his arm around Shinji, and pressed him close.  Shinji’s arms snaked around Kaworu’s back, and they slept like that, locked in an embrace. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>*** </p>
<p>When Shinji awoke, he was alone. The space in the bed next to him, still had a fresh indent, and the sky outside was barely bright enough. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kaworu,” Shinji muttered groggily. He rubbed at his eyes, and noticed the door to his room was open, and he could faintly hear the noise of running water. With a groan, Shinji rolled over, and grasped for his phone. Wincing at the sharp late, he could make out that it was just after 6:30. He didn’t remember what time they felt asleep, but it definitely wasn’t enough for him to feel rested. Although, Kaworu was the one who had to be up early. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shinji sat up, and ran a hand through his hair. He reached over the edge of his bed, finding his pants and shirt, and hopped out of bed, quickly clothing himself. He padded out as quietly as he could, and the locked bathroom door confirmed that Kaworu was in there. With a sigh, Shinji made his way to the kitchen, deciding that coffee was the least he could do. Despite being exhausted, Shinji felt lighter. Not different by any means, but his soul felt a little more whole. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It took another 15 or so minutes for Kaworu to come out, dressed in yesterday’s clothes. His hair lay fairly flat, the ends still wet. When Shinji saw his boyfriend, in this brief glimpse of a morning routine, he couldn’t help but smile. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Coffee?” Shinji asked, holding out a cup. </p>
<p>“Please,” Kaworu said gratefully, and as he took it, he planted a kiss on Shinji’s cheek, and Shinji couldn’t help but blush. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry, you probably are exhausted and didn’t sleep much.” <br/>“I quite enjoyed being up half the night,” Kaworu said in all sincerity. Shinji nearly choked on his hot coffee, wincing as the black liquid burned at his throat. </p>
<p>“As long as you had fun,” Shinji said in a breathy wheeze. </p>
<p>“But did you?” There was a pause, and Shinji set his drink down. </p>
<p>“More fun than in my whole life.” Kaworu smiled with satisfaction, ruby eyes twinkling. </p>
<p>“Then that’s the most important part.” <br/><br/>Kaworu finished off his coffee, and hurried to leave. He needed to get back home and get a fresh change of clothes before he went off to the school to teach for the day. Shinji tried going back to sleep after that, but it was to no avail. He was too wired from the night before, the current morning. He figured Asuka would have some snarky reply after she woke up, but he really couldn’t give a damn. If this is what the future held in store for him, then he’d gladly rush into it head first, if only he could have moments like that with Kaworu forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Guess who's back~! (That was definitely meant to be read in the tone of the overly flamboyant, clearly queer-coded villain). But I'm so glad to be uploading again. Thank you for your patience and kind words as I worked on getting caught up on writing and everything else in my life! I missed you all and I'm ecstatic to share content with you again! Most excitedly: MOVIE OUT NEXT WEEK!! I was shook when I saw that announcement and I am praying for all of us in these angsty times &lt;3 </p>
<p>Anyways, on with the story!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>"<em>I thought this was something different than before//now we're changing shape inside your brain and starting to reform" </em></strong>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>-Dayglow, 'Listerene'</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>May was a passing wave, where the heat began to rise, the sun took longer to sink beneath the horizon, and new love bloomed like a fresh flower in Shinji’s life, taking root in his soul and spreading out across his lungs and chest, snaking up through his throat, and blinding his eyes. He found a steady rhythm at work, and Kaworu managed to surprise him a couple more times with their midnight strolls. He caught Asuka staring at him and Kaworu several times, shooting wayside glances, but she always scowled and told him off for being an overactive creep who needs to get his head out of his ass and stop thinking the world is revolving around him. So nothing out of the ordinary. But still, with him being so lovestruck, he couldn’t help but feel some pang of pity for Asuka, who’s streak of terrible dates and short lived hookups seemed to have been following her around for years now at this point. </p><p> </p><p>It was mid-May and him and Kaworu finally managed to find a wayward Sunday where the two of them could just be together. They had gone on into the city center, grabbing fancy ice creams with the swirls piled high and sprinkled with some sort of glitter and waffle sticks poking out, the spoons little colorful squares of plastic. First they sat in the park, enjoying the honey sweet, rose pink concoctions of some complex flavor combination that Shinji could barely even remember. Then, they strolled through the busy weekend streets, peering in through window shops, admiring the modernized tech wear, and laughing at some of the outrageous patterns being marketed at stupid high prices. Several times, Shinji found his hand reaching for Kaworu’s, but he pulled away everytime, worried that it would be too forward, too public for a place such as this where anyone and everyone in the world could see them.</p><p> </p><p>Kaworu felt these shifts, and somehow managed to pull Shinji in perfectly every time, his light touch wrapping around Shinji’s wrist, tugging him in gently so their shoulders were touching. Close enough they were together, not close enough that they were pushing Shinji’s boundaries. Everything was at his own pace. </p><p> </p><p>It was mid afternoon, and the streets were still wildly busy, the last day before the work week had everyone scrambling about, trying to finish their last errands, get the last hours of spending time with friends before they were thrust back into the dreary vestiges of a mundane week. There was a little old bookshop, tucked away in a side street, and the two of them slipped inside, and instantly it was like they were transported into a separate universe.  </p><p> </p><p>The smell of old paper and coffee permeated every surface, and unlike the rest of the shops in this district, it was built up with neon lights and LEDS, with clean white countertops and perfectly allocated shelves for everything. No, this was something older and riddled with memories of customers past, present, and future. This was a place where bookshelves towered, and shelves were stuffed to the brim with books and old papers. Where old vinyl records hung off the walls, marking classic Japanese city pop, and the American rock of the 50s and 60s. The only person at the front desk was an aging man, well into his 60s, the cloud of white hair on his head was patchy, and the crown of his head was bald. When the two boys walked in, he looked up and politely bowed his head, welcoming them in. The two returned the polite gesture, quietly murmuring their greetings so as not to disturb the quiet atmosphere. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji couldn’t help but look around in wonder, awestruck that such a place existed in the city center. </p><p> </p><p>“Kaworu,” he breathed. “How did you know about this place?” </p><p> </p><p>Kaworu turned back to him, a playful gleam in his eyes, an unreadable smile on his lips.  </p><p>“Let me just surprise you with my secrets, Shinji.”  </p><p>“I don’t think you’ll ever stop surprising me, Kaworu.” His boyfriend smiled at this, and he took Shinji’s wrist, leading him into the maze of stacks.</p><p>“Well then let me surprise you a bit further.” </p><p> </p><p>There were books of music, and books of philosophy, and classical literature. Nothing out of place in a bookshop, but maybe it was the fact that instead of the classic cardboard bindings, it was the leather binding the old paper into place. Titles he had never heard off, names that were maybe mentioned in an off topic tangent during a literature class. And above it all, the pure joy that shone in Kaworu’s eyes. He led them to the back of the store, where most surprisingly was a shelf stuffed top to bottom with sheet music. Kaworu gently let his hands trail over the covers of the booklets, his gaze reverent, as if he were in the presence of ancient holy texts. There was a window by the back, and sunlight streamed through it, illuminating the particles of dust hanging in the air, and it served as the illusion of a halo around Kaworu’s head. </p><p> </p><p>Shinji couldn’t help but be breathtaken. This was the stuff of movies, these intangible threads of reality that felt like dreams, but were his every waking moment. Kaworu settled on sheet music from some artist Shinji didn’t fully catch the name of as he was too busy gawking. Maybe Lizst? When he did, Kaworu turned around towards Shinji. </p><p> </p><p>“The department will be hosting a showcase at the end of next month, and I needed to pick a solo piece.” Shinji’s eyes widened. </p><p>“A concert?! Can I come?” </p><p>“If such things interest you...I would be honored to play for you.” </p><p>“If such things interest me? Of course they do! Whatever interests you, interests me,” Shinji cried out in a hushed whisper. Now it was Kaworu’s turn to have his face turn a slight pink, the normally self-assured man suddenly overcome with shyness. </p><p>“I..well, you are your own person Shinji. You very well were before you met me, so all of our interests don’t need to line up. But I am glad you share my love of music. It has always brought me peace in a way nothing else could, and now I get to experience the tranquility of playing alongside you.” </p><p>“Ha...Kaworu you just never let yourself be speechless, do you?” A smug grin played across Kaworu’s face. </p><p>“Well not always. You tend to do a fantastic job of shutting me up.” </p><p>“It’s the one time I can get that effect on you,” Shinji muttered back, embarrassed to be talking sex in public, but enjoying the thrill of the moment. </p><p>“Shinji Ikari, you always have me hopping on clouds made of dreams,” Kaworu purred. “Now come, let’s explore this place a bit further.” Shinji stared after Kaworu for a moment, before dipping back into the stacks after him. </p><p> </p><p>*** </p><p>He wasn’t sure how long him and Kaworu wandered through the store, but as Shinji glanced through the titles, he found one that especially caught his eye. Not for him, but for Asuka. It was a book about the beauty of imperfection. He couldn’t help but snort. It was definitely by a Western author--he could tell that much by the name printed on the spine. But he knew that his longtime friend was about to run herself into the ground, trying to attain something impossible. The world was rosy through his lovestruck lenses, but he knew it wasn’t that soft for everyone else. </p><p> </p><p>Asuka had been more irritated than normal, with her biting responses cutting a little deeper. She feigned happiness for Shinji’s newfound happiness, but he could tell something was eating away at her. So, when he saw the book, he gently tipped it out by the spine and thumbed through it, glancing through the chapter titles and breezing over quotes about being okay with not being a perfect robot. Satisfied with his hurried read-through, he held onto the book, deciding to add it to the pile of anything else he might buy. Kaworu so far just had the sheet music, but he seemed to be more than satisfied. But he was quick to notice Shinji’s new item. </p><p> </p><p>“For yourself?” He said, nodding his head to the book. </p><p>“No, for Asuka. I thought it might be a nice gift.” </p><p>“Oh? And how would she take it?” Shinji paused for a moment, suddenly realizing that despite his own well intentions, Asuka could very well take it as a point of insult. </p><p>“I...would hope she would appreciate it,” Shinji said cautiously. “She just seems more on edge lately, and I thought she would appreciate a gift from a friend.” </p><p>Kaworu raised an eyebrow. “Always the unwavering friend and compatriot, aren’t you?”</p><p>“I mean...I try to be?” Shinji tried to puzzle out his boyfriend’s cryptic response--if there even was some deeper notion to it. “Is that a bad thing?”  Shinji asked. </p><p>“No, not at all. I just don’t want you giving out all the pieces of yourself so there are none left for me. Or really, so that there is nothing left of you.” </p><p> </p><p>Shinji simply stared at him, mouth slightly agape. </p><p>“Kaworu, I know when to say no, I’m well aware of my boundaries. Just with you, I haven’t been anywhere near overwhelmed with anything. I finally feel...I dunno, I guess at peace?” At this, any worry in Kaworu’s face dispelled. His normal playful smile came back onto his face, the same gaze of adoration that he always wore around Shinji, and he went back to browsing the titles he clearly had no interest in buying. </p><p> </p><p>“Good, no I’m glad that makes me over the moon to hear, because I feel the exact same way.” And so, the two of the continued perusing the shelves, and ultimately Shinji just had the book for Asuka and a book of poetry for himself. It was one Kaworu had pointed out, saying that the book by Chuuya Nakahara was one of his favorites, and Shinji immediately reached out for it, wanting to indulge in everything that Kaworu enjoyed, so that he could get to know him inside out. </p><p> </p><p>They had been in the shop for maybe an hour, and the cheerful chime of the bells on the door saw them out. Their purchases were neatly tucked away into brown paper bags with gray twine handles that each carried, and by the time they were out in the bright streets once more, the late afternoon sun had  dipped, its golden rays spilling like melted butter over the city skyline. The two walked side by side in silence for a time, Shinji still mulling over the conversation in the bookstore. </p><p> </p><p>“Did I upset you?” They were almost to the train station when Shinji asked the question. </p><p>“Upset me? Why do you think that?” Kaworu turned to Shinji, confusion painting his features.</p><p>“It’s just in the bookstore, you seemed sort of irked.” Kaworu sighed, and there was a heaviness that came with it. The kind where the normally still waters rippled, signifying some oncoming wave. Shinji couldn’t help the spark of panic that flickered in his belly. </p><p>“I apologize if I came off as short. I worry about you, that’s all.” Kaworu’s final word was a firm punctuation. He had no issue ending the conversation there, so Shinji let it hang in the air for a few moments, before letting it drop. </p><p>“I’m excited to read the poems, though,” Shinji said softly. </p><p>“You’ll have to tell me what you think then,” Kaworu replied with the same careful softness. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, Shinji couldn’t help but wonder. Was Kaworu so soft with Shinji by nature, or did he say him as some fragile item, with bones of porcelain and a heart made of glass? He had seen Kaworu drunk, and running in the rain. Felt his body pressed to his own, their heartbeats thrumming in sync. He had seen Kaworu at peace as he let the melodies of countless songs flow through him and spill out onto an instrument. So many different facets and sides, and yet he was always steady and gentle and kind. </p><p> </p><p>Or maybe, Shinji was so used to everybody else in his life being gruff with him, he couldn’t imagine somebody else extending some sort of gentle sweetness to him. He had convinced himself it was all a farce of some sort. He just wasn’t sure at this point anymore, but the fear that he would bring this relationship to ruin clung at him like a leech. </p><p> </p><p>The train finally came, screeching to a halt in front of him, and the chaotic switching of people as folks spilled out and crowded in passed, the two boys barely managing to snag a place in before the doors hissed shut. The whole ride back, the paper bag in Shinji’s hand thumped softly against him, and he barely even registered it, instead feeling it as some sort of steady presence soothing him from the wild chaos running amok in his thoughts. Kaworu was standing up, holding tight to the handle. His eyes were closed, brows furrowed in thought, and in that moment it truly struck Shinji how imperceptible Kaworu truly was. How he felt like some faberge egg, encased in dozens of layers of fine gold, leaving everyone around him wondering what was truly inside. </p><p> </p><p>It was a whirlwind romance--at least in his eyes. But a couple months of friendship led to this almost fantasy collision where both wanted the other. It felt unreal to Shinji--maybe it was unreal. How was it that normal people dated? Why couldn’t he be normal or at least begin to understand a shred of what that meant. </p><p> </p><p>He let his thoughts eat away at him the whole ride, and was pulled from his stupor by Kaworu gently tapping his shoulder when they got to the silver haired boy’s stop. </p><p> </p><p>“Shall we get off Shinji?” Shinji whipped his gaze up at Kaworu, brown eyes meeting steady red ones. </p><p>“Y-Yeah let’s go.” </p><p> </p><p>They slipped off the bus, and fell in step side by side. As they walked down the quiet streets, Kaworu asked, “Did you have fun?” </p><p>“Yes, tons. Did you?”<br/>“I am glad to hear that. I absolutely had fun, it was nice getting some time alone with you.” </p><p>Shinji nodded in agreement, but he kept staring at the sidewalk in front of him. </p><p>“Yeah, it feels like it’s been forever since we’ve had a proper day out,” he responded back, mumbling. </p><p>“I promise we’ll make more time for it.” </p><p>“It’s not your fault--between work and school for you and for me, we’re really starting to become adults aren’t we?” Kaworu chuckled, breathy and light. </p><p>“Yes, yes I suppose we are.” </p><p> </p><p>It was about that time that they made it to Kaworu’s apartment, which had been the nearer of the stops on the way home. They kissed goodbye at the door, struggling to pull apart in their embrace. At the end of the day, they still cared for one another, and it was hard to say goodbye even if it was temporary and they’d see each other soon, the inboxes on their phones filling up with notifications from one another. Even as he descended the stairs, back towards the street and the bus stop, Shinji knew Kaworu was watching him until he was fully out of sight, making sure he was as safe as could be. Even though he still hadn’t picked apart all the layers to Kaworu, Shinji understood this much: tt wasn’t all the grand gestures Kaworu did to show how much he cared, it could be the little things. The defensive comments when somebody would try to critique him, the constant encouragement, the midnight visits to walk him home. Kaworu knew that Shinji didn’t want some flashy love--some display of affections meant to be an uncomfortable show everyone else was subjected to. He knew that Shinji just wanted somebody to know him. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“I’m home!” Shinji announced his presence to the darkened hallway. </p><p>“Asuka?” He called out again, this time hesitancy in his voice as he tightened his grip around the bag. He spent the whole journey home paranoid and overanalyzing the different ways she could potentially receive his gift, and all he wanted was to make sure she would actually like it.</p><p> </p><p>Asuka was sprawled out onto the couch, where she was watching a video on her phone, headphones plugged in and oblivious to the world. He wandered up behind her and gently tapped her shoulder. She sat up with a violent jerk, her phone tumbling out of her hands hard enough that the headphones were yanked out of the jack. Shinji himself cried out in surprise, fully startled by her reaction. </p><p> </p><p>“Shinji, what the fuck?!” She cried out, face screwed up in rage. </p><p>“Why did you have to react like that?!” He shot back. “I wasn’t trying to sneak up on you, it’s your fault for having your headphones turned up all the way!” She glared at him, before setting up her phone again and settling back down into her position. </p><p>“Welcome dumbass,” she grumbled. </p><p>“Wait, Asuka,” he sighed. “I have a thing for you.” She looked up behind her at him, eyebrows raised. </p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p> </p><p>From his bag, Shinji took out the book he had bought for her. “I saw this and thought you might appreciate it.” </p><p> </p><p>She reached up and snatched it out of his grasp, reading over the title and thumbing through the book. </p><p> </p><p>“Uhuh.” She cracked open the book and began reading the first page aloud. </p><p> </p><p>“You are not perfect. I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Perfectionism is a subject construct designed by societies to constrain a person to be anything but themselves.” As she read it, she sounded utterly unamused. “Can I ask what your point in giving me this was? Like did you think it was a funny gag gift or what? Is this your gentle way of telling me I have a superiority complex, because I thought we sorted that one out years ago.” </p><p> </p><p>Shinji blinked several times. Kaworu was right, he should have listened and just not spent his money on the damn book.  </p><p> </p><p>“N-No. I thought because you’ve been so stressed and on edge. I don’t know just to remind you that you’re fine the way you are and I wanted to give you a gift and--” </p><p>“Whatever.” She cut him off, firmly and shut the book, tossing it onto the small coffee table by her. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Shinji whispered. He felt the disappointment and shame creep in, but ultimately he knew he couldn’t be surprised. It was his own fault. “Right then, I’ll be in my room if you need anything else.” She didn’t respond to him. Shinji began to trudge down the hallway when he heard Asuka shifting around behind him. He tossed another glance behind him, assuming he would see her getting up to get a glass of water or something of the sort. </p><p> </p><p>To his utter disbelief, she had sat up, and grabbed the book. He could see her bright red hair over the edge of the couch, saw her fall back down and hold the book up above her as she cracked open the first page, and Shinji couldn’t help but smile. Maybe his gut instinct didn’t always lead him wrong. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as he stepped inside his room, he took out the book of poems and flopped back onto his bed, ready to start reading them. But before that, he realized there was something he wanted to do. Pulling out his phone, he opened up his thread with Kaworu. </p><p><br/>I think she liked the book. And he hit sent, unable to stifle the self-satisfaction that came with the moment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In which Puff mixed up the days of the week and uploaded a day late--I'm so sorry folks! But I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had tons of fun writing it, and I hope you're gonna like what I have planned in the future. Hope you're all staying safe and masking up!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. An Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <b>“</b>
  <b>
    <em>Wanna be the type of girl my daddy, he'd be proud of”</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>                                                           -SZA, Normal Girl</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Perfection was not just an aspect she hoped to attain. Perfection was a way of life that Asuka embodied. It was the thrill of a dazzling smile and handshakes. The sensation of knowing people don’t just know your name they know the fact that belongs to it. It was an all consuming thought that dictated her every move and thought. It was her breath, her waking thoughts, the nightmare that haunted her at night. She wasn’t sure how to take Shinji’s ‘present’. If she should be angry, or if this was the lifeboat floating towards her in this murky sea she found herself lost in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At first it was a joke, a begrudging way to kill time. And then she found herself consumed in the pages as the hours of the night stretched along. It was defense really. Her prickly outer self, the sharp words. She didn’t want to let others in too close, didn’t want to feel the pain of the inevitable fall out. But Shinji had stuck around so long that deep down, some part of her wasn’t worried about him leaving. It was like he had claws that were latched on too tightly into him. Or maybe she hadn’t tried hard enough to shake him off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had changed immensely this past month, ever since he had gotten together with Kaworu, and she wasn’t sure if she liked it. Maybe, it was because she felt so stagnant herself. When Kaworu first came along, things felt different--it was the shakeup to her life she had been looking for. A sort of patched together friend group, born out of the situation, but the late nights and the bar hopping and running through the rain, those were </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> moments. It wasn’t her losing herself in partying and boys in nightclubs and girls at raves for the sake of losing herself and numbing out her ever screaming brain. It was the taste of normalcy she had tried to construct for herself in high school. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So what was it that really ate away at her? What was it that caused her to pick up the book and crack it open and try to absorb the words even as she scoffed at them? Maybe it was the secret mantra she cursed herself with every night, like the way she begged for a fairytale ending when she was a child. Maybe it was being 20 year olds and seeing a dead end sign no matter what turn she took. Or maybe, it was just that she was tired of being Asuka Langley Soryuu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She started reading on the couch, crawled to her bed and read until the sun came up. She finished the last page, and muttered to herself “What a load of bullshit.” And she closed it, tossing it aside. But she burrowed herself under the covers, dawn light filtering through her window, blindingly painful against her aching eyes, and she thought about what she read. She thought about how much it hurt to want that to be her life, to want to be okay with not being considered the darling prodigy, the starlette everybody fawned over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought back once to a time with a conversation with somebody who had left her life, leaving just a scratch amongst the scars on her heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you so afraid of?” They had asked her, voice soft as it came out, but echoing with a painful loudness in the space of the car they had been in. And Asuka had sat in silence for a few moments, angry at how upset she was that she had been asked that question. Angry that she couldn’t understand why she had been so upset. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What are you so afraid of?</span>
  </em>
  <span> It could have a million different answers, but Asuka knew that there was only one true one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My own mediocrity,” she had replied in a tight whisper, throat closing up as shame burned behind her eyes, threatening to spill out over her cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>For the tainted sorrow </em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Frightens me piteously </em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>For the tainted sorrow</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Can’t be remedied and the sun sets</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji let his eyes rest on the final stanza over and over, like a stuttering record, he couldn’t tear away from the poem. Kaworu loved these lines, he loved their bitter taste on the heart, the way the poem ended like a soft sigh before darkness. And Shinji wanted to love it too. It’s not that he didn’t, but it pained him to think Kaworu could relate to the writing like this. To think somebody as brilliant as him felt the same ache eating away at him. He wanted to know the secrets of Kaworu’s past, to heal the scars on him with every kiss. It was a sappy fantasy, but he entertained it. Kaworu wasn’t trying to fix Shinji by any means, but he was giving him space to heal, aa shoulder lean on, and he hoped Kaworu would be able to practice his own methods. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Shinji wondered if Asuka was still reading the book, he saw her on the couch before he went back to his room, but that could have just as easily been her keeping up appearances. She hadn’t thrown the book at him or tried to kill him, so he took that as a positive. She would probably scoff at the poetry, seeing it as a pretentious fancy. She preferred the hard, rigid world of math and equations, where the unknown could be puzzled out. To her the arts were an obstacle, some overarching demon that threatened to sneak inside her and threatened to steal her deepest, most private thoughts. He had learned her over the years, but Shinji wasn’t sure how well he knew her, considering she never let anyone in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He set the book down, figuring he’d text Kaworu the next morning. He was too tired to try to hold a conversation, and his mind was currently stuck in the loop of thinking about Asuka and puzzling her out. Of Kaworu’s snippy replies earlier and how there was still so much of him to uncover. And quite frankly, tonight was not a night where he could imagine delving into deeper conversation and losing himself in the philosophical fantasies of Kaworu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Shinji awoke the next morning he immediately reached for his phone. A good morning already flickered on the screen and he smiled, fingers flying over the keyboard as he typed out his response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Good Morning Shinji. I hope you slept well. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, I did! I read the Nakahara poems last night. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That was fast. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I couldn’t wait! </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hope you enjoyed them? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They were stunning in a way I didn’t expect. Especially “For the Tainted Sorrow” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah. That one is a personal favorite. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I...Kaworu I hope I make you happy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not even two moments after opening that text, Shinji’s phone began to ring in his hand. He yelped out of surprise. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu?” He answered, voice still croaky as it shifted back to life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You make me..so unbelievably happy. All I have wanted to do was to see you joyous, and I think I’ve gotten repayment a million times over in ways I couldn’t expect.” Shinji flushed a deep red, not expecting to hear these words upon just first waking up. He fumbled around, his thoughts still murky in the cloud of sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m happy to hear that Kaworu. Really, truly I am.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why did you ask if I made you happy?” There was nothing accusatory about his tone, it was just gentle care and concern. Shinji heard the anxiety creeping in, the same one that haunted his every move that constantly made him question if his reality was a farce--a flimsily constructed sandcastle that could be toppled over by a passing wave at any moment. He took a deep breath as he carefully chose his words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After I read the poems...I was worried. I know how much you love them and…” his voice trailed off, as he was unsure of how far he could push the topic. But Kaworu responded with a low chuckle, soft and warm but somehow still a million miles away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about me, Shinji. With you by my side, I’m fairly certain we could conquer the world.” Now it’s Shinji’s turn to chuckle, at the fresh faced openness Kaworu made him want to approach life with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure I want to necessarily do </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well. Whatever you want, I’ll make it happen for you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I have no doubt,” Shinji murmured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright love, I have to get going. But good morning once more, and have a wonderful day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too,” Shinji replied, and they both hung up. Shinji sat up, and for a few minutes just stared outside his window at the sunlight streaming in. He felt the warm spring air filling up his room as the winter frost had started seeping from it months ago, felt the brush of new life around him. If only all moments in life could be this simple -- maybe he could stop overthinking for once. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Outside, Asuka had paused next to Shinji’s closed door. Still not having slept, she had crawled her way to the bathroom, but on her way back to collapse onto her bed, she heard the murmurings from Shinji’s room. She pressed her ear to the door, trying to make out his conversation presumably with Kaworu. Undoubtedly with his darling, precious, ethereal, angelic, do no wrong boyfriend.  Not that she hated him. How could she? He was perfect in everyone’s eyes. Perfect in the way he knew what to say when, in the grace he carried himself. Everyone practically fell over their own feet for him. And she hated that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hate him,” she mumbled to herself, steadying herself against the doorframe as the uneasy tension built up within her. Asuka sank to the ground, burying her head in her knees, trying to convince herself that she only felt this way because she hadn’t slept. Of course she was overreacting to things. She couldn’t hate a perfect person, that’s what she told herself over and over. She didn’t hate him, she hated his attention. She hated his perfection. She hated that he had everything she wanted, everything she aspired to be. In a loving relationship, a career path on track, a world that would give itself over to him, if he just asked. And who was she? Who was Asuka Soryuu Langley? Just somebody to be left behind in the end. The third wheel, endlessly grinding in the dirt, kicking up clouds of dust behind her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a grunt she made her way back to her room, slamming her door over extra emphasis as she fell face first onto her bed, clutching at the blankets so tightly her knuckles were white as her chest tightened, constricting with the thunderous wave of emotions that was swirling in the pit of her stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t that be me?” She hissed into the fabric, the layers of cotton muffling the anguish that she was so desperately trying to suppress. Everything she did felt like a vain attempt, a little girl trying to play dress up into a role she could never fit in. Asuka with the perfect grades, Asuka with the pretty face, Asuka who could never shut up and never let anybody else have the last word. Asuka who was insufferable and too loud and broke hearts for fun because she couldn’t love anybody but herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If only they knew, if only they knew how much she hated herself. How much she tried to find worth by pouring her heart into others. She wanted somebody else to tell her she was human, to tell her she wasn’t broken. She wanted them to convince her otherwise, that the ghosts haunting her head and preying on her dreams could be swept away by a Prince Charming. But then mopey Shinji, who never bothered putting a second thought into his appearance, didn’t think twice about his words or what others thought of him had his life start to come together first. He had bagged somebody that looked at him like he was the galaxy, like he was the sun that others orbited around. And maybe, for that, Asuka had started to hate Shinji. Just a little bit, just the tiniest bit that she could make sure would never leak out into the world. Nobody could see these ugly parts of her, they were hers and hers alone. Shinji was her friend, as much as he infuriated her she had to support him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was Perfect, Stone Cold Asuka. She couldn’t let herself get broken over something as simple as this. If only they knew the wildfire that threatened to ravage her at any moment. If only they knew that she wasn’t an ice palace, but a desolate forest, that had been burned and left dry through and through.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Uploading a little later than normal, my apologies! It's been a rough week but I wouldn't miss this for anything! I hope you guys like where this story is heading &lt;3 Sooo haha if you haven't figured it out from the reference guess what one of my biggest hyperfixations is? LMAO yeah mmhm yep. Is anybody surprised? But! https://bsd-bibliophile.tumblr.com/post/164317357020/photo-is-from-the-bsd-and-chuuya-memorial </p><p>This is the lovely blog I found with the poetry translations! ANYWAYS I hope you guys like this short little interlude, and have a fantastic week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"<strong>Your love is sunlight" </strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>                            -Hozier, 'Sunlight'</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyday the concert got closer, Shinji could feel the anxiety radiating from Kaworu. It was odd, considering how self assured he was on a daily basis. But every time he questioned his boyfriend on it, Kaworu passed it off, whether be a reassuring word on the phone or a gentle smile in person. But he could see the passion Kaworu poured into his craft. How love and the desire for excellence mingled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If one were to ask Kaworu why he felt nervous, maybe he would respond with something along the lines of the fact that he wasn’t just playing for himself this time. His music was meant for somebody else, he was playing to invite somebody else into this secret world of his. Music was saving his grace, his angel that had carried him through the worst of nights, and he saw how much that sentiment was reflected in Shinji’s own life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji had even suggested to Kaworu if it was okay if he were to bring Asuka with him to the concert. Kaworu was absolutely fine with it, saying that it wasn’t a private concert or anything, it was a public event and anybody could come. Shinji had noticed Asuka had pulled away into herself these past couple of weeks and he figured maybe if he invited her out, he could lift her spirits. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was still a solid month left--it wouldn’t be until the end of June, but Kaworu had asked if Shinji wanted to come to a rehearsal. Shinji wasn’t sure, he was worried about the other musicians and the intrusion but Kaworu kept reassuring him that it was perfectly fine and nobody would particularly care. Kaworu, this time, came all the way to Shinji’s apartment to pick him up. He didn’t say where rehearsal was, but Shinji assumed it was on campus. Though, he wasn’t quite sure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Kaworu finally came, Shinji and Asuka were sprawled out on the couch. Asuka had no plans for going anywhere, and when Kaworu came she barely spared him a glance. He had come in, wearing a loose fitting black polo and pants. The heat had been building up, and as the longer days and warmer weather rolled in, the city and everyone in it started to be more free. Kaworu padded barefoot through the entry hallway, hands shoved into his pockets.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pardon the intrusion,” he said in his usual polite tone. Shinji looked up over the back of the couch, while Asuka didn’t even spare a secondary glance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu!” He exclaimed at the same time as Asuka just said “Hey.” She kept scrolling through her phone while Shinji hopped off the back, and made his way to his boyfriend. They had been dating for well over a month now, but nevertheless, showing affection in front of others still made Shinji hesitate. He awkwardly flapped his hands at his side, before settling on throwing his arms around Kaworu’s neck, to which the other boy enthusiastically responded to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu planted a kiss on Shinji’s cheek and he said his polite greetings to the red haired girl on the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asuka, would you like to go out with us?” Kaworu asked, trying to extend an olive branch to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And be your third wheel? I’m good, thanks. I think I have a little more dignity than that.” Shinji flinched back at the harshness in her tone, while Kaworu simply tilted his head and smiled like he always smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Understood, Asuka. Have a lovely rest of your day.” Kaworu turned around, his fingers interlocked in Shinji’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“B-bye Asuka. I’ll be quiet when I get home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah.” Asuka waved them off, finally turning around to spare the two boys a glance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have fun doing whatever the fuck you two do.” She turned back around, settling back down into her position. Shinji patted his pocket, where he had placed the keys in preparation. Kaworu and Shinji slipped out of the apartment, and Shinji locked the door behind him with a soft click. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the two walked down the morning streets, Shinji found his fingers interlacing into Kaworu’s. He stared around the streets, feeling the life of mid spring course through the town. Color had flooded like a pale blush into the world, and even the animals seemed to be livelier. The cheerful hum of birds filled the air, and though the cicadas hadn’t overtaken the city, the stir of the precipice of summer electrified every breath of the city. Shinji couldn’t help but get stuck on Asuka once more. The way her coldness was starting to blur the lines between front and solidified heart. But for every time Asuka would let someone in, she would build up three more layers of walls around her heart. Kaworu walked in step with him, picking up the slight lulls in any conversation, and keeping Shinji in orbit, even as he floated off. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They went deeper into town, passing the subway stop. Shinji hadn’t even fully processed it until he realized they had passed the sign without even slowing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where are we going, Kaworu?” But his boyfriend simply turned to Shinj and winked, a smirk drawn upon his face with a glint in his eyes. Shinji furrowed his eyebrows stuck on trying to decipher the look. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that fair of you--I can’t prepare that way!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to prepare anything. I would never put you in a situation like that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a slight chuckle, Shinji replied “I suppose you’re right on that front.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m right on more fronts than just that one.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji couldn’t help but roll his eyes at that one, but he held off any witty remarks, instead tightening his grip on Kaworu’s fingers, squeezing ever so slightly, as he found himself being slowly guided back to earth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The whole time Shinji could confidently say he had no idea where he was being led on this particular mid-Spring morning. It wasn’t until he found himself facing the massive stone walls and spiraling towers,  piercing the sky and patched with stained glass panes that Shinji found himself staring in possibly what was more confusion than the journey there. The cathedral was out of place in modern Tokyo, Shinji had never even properly stepped inside one, but Kaworu pushed through the heavy wooden doors with comfort, holding them open so Shinji could slip inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door closed shut behind Shinji with a resounding thud, the sound echoing through the massive heart of the space. The scent of incense and the fading memory of dozens of bodies packed inside lingered, and Shinji couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose at the pungent smell. Green carpet stretched out across the floor, where wooden pews lined up in dozens all leading to the front where an altar on a stage stood. Even with the daylight spilling through in transmuted shades of red and green from the painted glass, fluorescent highlighted the wooden stand that had been draped over in a white cloth, a golden cross adorning it. And behind it, a massive white grand piano. The lid had been propped open, and it looked like something that belonged in a concert hall, not a church.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu, what are we doing here?” Shinji said in a half whisper. Even though they were the only ones in there, it still felt wrong to speak any louder--as if he’d disturb a spirit of some sort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu was making his way towards center stage, and he turned, tossing a smile at Shinji over his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just listen,” was all he said as settled at the keys of the piano. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Shinji was transported. He was transported to a night many months ago, colder than now, and one riddled with anxiety chewing away at him, as his heart pounded and every millimeter of his skin tingled with electricity as he sat by Kaworu as the boy played. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He still sounded marvelous as ever, still knew how to find the right notes without having to look at them. But now that Shinji could look at from a distance, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> look at him, he saw the way his boyfriend was able to completely lose himself in the performance. It was like he was creating the notes with every touch, it wasn’t an existing song he was playing, but a concerto of his own life. Every swell and crescendo was perfectly executed along with each decrescendo and terse pull back. It was their nights together, while the soft staccatos were Kaworu’s kisses across Shinji’s skin, and the tangling arpeggios were their long awaited love story.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The notes flowed together like milk and honey, melting into the air like hot butter, and wrapping the space up in their passionate existence. He didn’t expect to be falling in love all over again in a cathedral in the middle of Tokyo, but there Shinji was, thinking that he had just been graced with a god reincarnate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji stood there, flabbergasted. They weren’t in a church, this wasn’t Tokyo, this was just a dreamscape. By the time Kaworu played the last note and let his hand fall away so gently like a feather, Shinji had tears pooling up in his eyes. The soft pat of Kaworu’s hand against his leg broke the spell and Shinji came fluttering back to earth, speechless with his jaw flapping as he grasped for his words, snatched from him along with the air in his lungs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hope you enjoyed the piece. I chose it as my solo for the concert.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The piece I bought at the bookshop. Liszt. ”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji laughed weakly, the air coming out as a forceful exhale more than anything else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure you aren’t the reincarnation of him, Kaworu?” Now it was Kaworu’s turn to chuckle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope not. He had a rather tragic end, plagued by disease and depression. I don’t think that could apply to me as long as I have you Shinji. And I have no plans of abandoning you to wallow in despair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji couldn’t help but crack a little smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me? Wallow? Never.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stood quiet in the massive church a few moments longer, the echoes of the song still burning at the front of Shinji’s brain. Shinji couldn’t help but examine Kaworu’s face as it was illuminated by the light streaming in. He wasn’t sure why he had been feeling such a deep sense of unease, but suddenly it all seemed trivial and overblown in the moment. It was this sensation he had been chasing, this moment of calm against the wild storms of adulthood. His relationship wasn’t stressful, it never had been, and for that he was eternally grateful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu had packed up after that, and grabbed Shinji’s wrist, running out of the church, with Shinji being dragged behind him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey wait!” The brown haired boy had cried out in indignation. “Where are we going?!” It was until they were well back into the bustling street that Kaworu had let go of Shinji’s wrist, leaving the both of them heaving for air with burning lungs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We shouldn’t have been there,” Kaworu said with a playful smile dancing across his face. Shinji went slack jawed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shouldn’t have been there?! Kaworu!’ But the silver haired boy showed no signs of worry, he just laughed it off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You enjoyed it, didn’t you?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course I did but--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No buts then.” Kaworu leaned over, and planted a kiss on Shinji’s lips, and Shinji crumbled. He gave into the kiss, returning it and biting at Kaworu’s lip as he pulled back. Some onlookers had stopped and gave stares at such outward displays of affection, but neither boy was too worried. The city had more to care about than two boys enjoying their youth in the middle of the street. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that the only piece you’ll be playing at the concert?” Kaworu shook his head in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s just my solo. There’ll be a group number.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well everyone else will pale in comparison to you.” Kaworu took Shinji’s hand and squeezed it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, my love. Now then, shall we continue on with the rest of our day?” Shinji nodded, and the two headed down the street, the day stretching out in front of them and the notes of Liszt resonating inside of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>"baby I think I've found what it means to be alive"</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>                                                          -Maude Latour, "Ride My Bike"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The concert was scheduled for June 6, on Shinji’s 21 birthday. Not that he cared much for his birthday--it was just a day, just another revolution around the sun that wasn’t anything special except his bones grew a little older, his body a little closer to returning to the ground. He never quite understood the big fuss around birthdays, probably because nobody had ever bothered to give him a giant party with a day centered around ‘him’. At least, not since he had been a baby. There were a couple of photos at his father’s house of Shinji as a baby in his mother’s arms, a party hat nestled onto the crown of his head. He hadn’t even bothered to tell Kaworu about it, knowing how close it was to the concert and how hard his boyfriend had been practicing, Shinji didn’t want to derail him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t like that he was born in June, with the sticky heat and the bustle of the school year never really allowing for a true celebration. Not that it mattered, he would much rather X off a day on the calendar if he could. The concert wouldn’t actually be held at the church Kaworu took him to, that was just a stunt he pulled in the name of romance. It would be in the concert hall on campus---a glorious auditorium with shining instruments. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a couple of days before the concert, and Shinji was alone in the apartment with Asuka as Kaworu endured the grueling dress rehearsal. For once they were both spending the evening together in a peaceful solitude that they shared. Nothing special, with each going about their itineraries as Shinji sat at the dining table reading a textbook while Asuka was splayed on the couch doing the same. But surprisingly enough, it was Asuka who broke the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing tomorrow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Shinji looked up from his reading, turning his head to look at his roommate and friend. Normally she was too busy trying to establish her own life to want to hang out with Shinji--well he got the feeling that she just didn’t want to be a third wheel, because these days Kaworu and Shinji were a dual package. Couldn’t get one without the other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m...not sure. Why?”  She shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just curious.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well Kaworu’s concert is on Saturday,” Shinji continued. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask about Saturday, did I?” She shot back in her usual curt snap. Shinji held up his hands in a show of acquiescence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know! Jeez. I just wanted to mention it, and see if you were still coming.” There was a moment of silence before Asuka responded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course, where else would I be?” It was her usual grumble, but it was her way of showing her affection. It didn’t come easily, nor did it come freely but when she meant it, she truly meant it. Shinji smiled, glad to see that despite her moody behavior, Asuka was still Asuka. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re coming, Asuka.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah yeah whatever,” she muttered, burying her face in her books, but not before Shinji caught the slow smile that had flickered onto her face and the red tint that stained the tips of ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Friday. D-1. Shinji thought </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> was excited, but one quick phone call with Kaworu, and he could feel the passion and excitement pouring through the receiver like a flood.  Kaworu was at the rehearsal when he called, and Shinji could hear the clangor and din of a concert being prepared behind him, and even though Kaworu had called him, Shinji still felt bad for interrupting and taking time away from Kaworu that he could be using rehearse (despite the numerous reassurances that it was fine, and they were nowhere near starting). But seeing Kaworu chase his passions, find his dedications, it filled Shinji up in a way that nothing else could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was late afternoon by the point, and he had already gone to his one morning class. As he lay in bed after Kaworu hung up Shinji rolled around the ideas of what he could be doing in his head. Perhaps he could have a sake bottle as ‘celebration’--split it with Asuka. He was fairly certain that she was still out, so he would ask her about it later--if he were to bother. He wasn’t even sure what time she would be home, so it definitely wasn’t worth holding his breath over anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He found himself listlessly scrolling through social media, stalking through old friends, old accounts, old memories--wondering if anybody would reach out to him. Not that it mattered. Everybody had long moved past in their life, and Shinji didn’t want to be the one tangled in an overgrowth of nostalgia. But some part of him still wished for the taste of that sweet reminiscence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how long he was there, in the quiet refuge of his room when he heard a knock on his bedroom door. The sun had gone down a while ago, and once the brilliant rays of sunset had long retracted their spilling reach from his room, he was left with pale moonlight and the warm evening breeze rustling through the space, shifting the loose papers around and rustling his blankets. When he heard the three sharp raps he looked over at the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Shinji called out, turning his head so he was looking at the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you come out?” It was Asuka’s voice. She didn’t sound particularly panicked or irked, which was surprising, because why else would she call him out. With a heavy sigh, Shinji slid himself out of bed and padded to the door, unlocking it with a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>click</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka stood in the doorway, hand on her hip, as her foot tapped impatiently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What can i do for you Asuka?” Shinji asked. She sighed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you gonna stand in your room all day or like...are you actually going to come out?” Shinji rolled his eyes and shuffled out of the room, closing the door behind him. Wordlessly, Asuka turned around and started heading down the hallway towards the living room. Shinji stood there, brows furrowed in confusion before he dashed after her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wh-? Asuka!” He hurried after her, but as soon as the hallway widened into the main space, he faltered. His jaw dropped as he realized what he saw in front of him. Somehow, in the time he had lost scrolling listlessly through his phone, Asuka had managed to decorate the apartment with gold streamers and silver balloons. Confetti was sprinkled around and on the table stood a magnificent strawberry cake, with little plumes of whipped cream decorating the decadent cake. Next to it stood three party hats and three festively colored party horns laying next to it--three. Which meant. Shinji ripped his gaze around, brain running a million miles a minute as he hungrily searched for the person he was looking for. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu!” He cried out, as he locked eyes with his white haired boyfriend, who was resting on the couch arm with mischievousness glimmering in his eyes and playful smirk on his face. Shinji threw himself at Kaworu, and the white haired boy was so caught off guard, he barely kept the both of them from toppling over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello Shinji,” Kaworu said as he snaked his arms behind Shinji and hugged him tight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here? Shinji cried as he dug his fingers into Kaworu’s back. Kaworu simply chuckled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it? </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I...yeah..but that’s not important. Your concert is tomorrow! You should be getting ready for that, gettings tons of rest and--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ahem</span>
  </em>
  <span>” from behind them Asuka cleared her throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you two lovebugs are done canoodling...literally all over the apartment, I believe we have a birthday to celebrate?” Kaworu and Shinji pulled apart and Shinji stuck his tongue out at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m literally hugging my boyfriend on the couch, calm down Asuka,” Shinji snipped at her as he settled into a seat at the dining table, Kaworu coming down next to him and planting a kiss on his cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To answer your question: I consider resting spending time with you, and all the rehearsal that could be done has been done.” Shinji smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m not complaining.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>From his other side, Shinji heard Asuka gagging, and sure enough when he looked over she was pointing a finger at her mouth, fake throwing up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can we just eat some goddamn cake?” She whined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> birthday party isn’t it?” Shinji said with a smirk, and to that she only rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I regret this already.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The three of them slapped on the party hats and after an oddly in tune rendition of Happy Birthday, party horns were blown, and then the cake was cut into. It was picture perfect, and the perfect combination of sweet, soft, and spongy--practically melting on the tongue. Moments like these only existed in dreams, and quite frankly he didn’t want to wake up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After they had nearly demolished the cake, the three of them crowded in the living room, playing cards. Asuka sat cross legged on the floor, Kaworu across from her and Shinji completed the circle. He had wanted to lay his head across Kaworu’s lap but his boyfriend had pushed him off gently, quipping that “that would be considered cheating for the purpose of the game.” Instead, they sat in the dim light of the living room, throwing cards into the center of the circle they had created. Shinji wasn’t even focusing on the game, just relishing the moment. Truth be told, it would probably go down as one of the happiest birthdays in Shinji’s memories. Here with his little community, with the closest thing he had ever felt to a true family. Small, but precious, and in their odd roundabout ways, filled with three people who loved and cared for each other deeply. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hours passed and the cards were tossed aside. Asuka kept music running off her phone, and they reached a point in the evening where the conversation was just mumblings and laughs, and retelling of memories past. Kaworu wasn’t the most open person in the world, but he would share some anecdotes with the group when the conversation would flow to him. Broad, general statements that led Shinji to thinking that maybe Kaworu really didn’t have a lot of fond memories to reminisce on, and made him feel bad for prying in the first place. But Kaworuu made no note of it, and he didn’t seem upset that this topic of conversation had come up at all. He spoke of how one time in high school, the main water line burst in the middle of the day the week before summer vacation, and so everyone just had an extended summer break. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where did you go to high school, Kaworu?” Asuka asked. She had already cracked open her third beer of the night, and was laying down, splayed out onto the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, I’m not from Tokyo, I just came here for university.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So where are you from?” Kaworu smiled, and a soft chuckle that was more akin to a forceful exhalation of air escaped him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The countryside.” Asuka lifted her head and peered at Kaworu over the rim of her can. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t seem like a country bumpkin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Asuka!” Shinji exclaimed, horrified at her bluntness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? What did I say?” Kaworu placed a reassuring hand on Shinji’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for getting fired up for me dear, but it’s okay, really. I’m not offended.” Shinji glanced over at Kaoru, before settling back down, trusting that his boyfriend wouldn’t be muffling his emotions for the sake of keeping the peace. “I’ve been living in the city for a few years now, so I’ve adapted pretty well,” Kaworu continued. “But if you really want to, I can bring out the accent for you,” Kaworu said, except at the end of sentence, his normal formal speech fell off, the and the end of the sentence was clipped as he let out some of his country accent, sweet and rolling like the hills. Asuka didn’t find it amusing, and instead just screwed up her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No thanks I’m good. It’s not like your accent is some sort of circus act.” Kaworu smirked a bit at her answer--he was clever, good at hiding his intentions when he backed people into a foxhole. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu leaned back into a more casual position and looked back at Shinji, who had been sitting back on the floor, leaning against the couch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t believe you’ve gotten your birthday present yet, Shinji,” he said. Shinji’s eyes widened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your birthday present.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Kaworu...you really shouldn’t have.” Kaworu furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh really? And why is that? I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I?” It was at that moment Asuka hauled herself up with a rather loud grunt and pulled herself up to her feet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I think I’m done here. You two lovebirds go do...well whatever the hell it is you wanna do. Kaworu I’ll see you tomorrow for the concert or whatever. And happy birthday you loser Shinji.” With a toss of the hair over her shoulder, Asuka padded down the hall to her room, closing the door with a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>click</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Shinji and Kaworu couldn’t help but look at each other and burst out laughing.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kaworu turned his body around so he was facing Shinji, and from his pocket he pulled out a black box. It was velvet, and midsized. Definitely too big to be a ring at least. But it was still incredibly elegant and sleek. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Open your hand.” Shini obeyed and Kaworu gently placed the box into his outstretched palm, and then proceeded to close Shinji’s fingers over it. It was enough to cause a red flush to spread across Shinji’s cheeks, and to distract himself he squeezed at the object in his hand, hoping if he did so hard enough, he could distract his mind the blush would go away. It wasn’t even anything sensual--him and Kaworu had had sex plenty of times by this point. Maybe it was just the emotional intimacy, and how uncomfortable it made him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s in it?” He asked softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Open it, and you’ll find out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With shaking fingers, Shinji slowly pried open the box. He took in a sharp inhale of air when he saw what was inside. It was a silver wrist watch, the brand new face glinting in the faint light of the living room. The band was black leather, free of wrinkles, and the texture still smooth. It wasn’t overly decorative, but there was a striking power in its slender form. It was elegant, and quite frankly, the most adult accessory he owned. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s stunning,” was all Shinji said as he drew it out of the box, and draped it over his right wrist, drawing the band through the buckle to hold it tight on his right. “I hope it wasn’t too expensive.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about the price. It’s your birthday gift, and as long as you enjoy it, there shouldn’t be an issue.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji set the box down next to him and leaned over, planting a kiss on Kaworu’s lips. He reciprocated and before either of them knew it, Shinji was pushing Kaworu down, both hands on the silver haired boy’s chest and they were laying on top of another, just kissing and soaking in each other’s warmth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I missed you,” Shinji gasped in between kisses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I missed you more,” Kaworu responded in the same breathless manner. When both of them were finally somewhat satisfied, they sat up, smoothing down their mussed up hair, and adjusting shirt fronts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wear this everyday until I die,” Shinji said, holding up his wrist. Kaworu smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Happy Birthday my love,” he planted another quick and gentle kiss on Shinji’s lips before he stood up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should get some rest before tomorrow, but I can’t wait for you to see the concert.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m more excited to experience it,” Shinji said as he too stood up, and walked with Kaworu towards the door. They gave each other tight hugs and Kaworu stepped outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you Kaworu, text me when you’re home!” Shinji said with a wave. Kaworu paused for a moment, and stared Shinji over, before nodding several times. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, absolutely,” he murmured. Kaworu took several steps forward before turning around once more. Shinji was still in the doorway, watching Kaworu. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, that sounds better than any music, song, or book ever could Shinji.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Huh? I don’t follow, Kaworu.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hearing you say I love you may just be my favorite sound in the world. I love you too.” And with that, Kaworu went off into the night, leaving Shinji’s face and ears bright red as he shut the door behind him.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am so sorry for missing last week and then uploading late! These past few weeks have been beyond hectic, and so time slipped away from me a bit there. But I hope you enjoy this chapter, as I had a lot of fun writing it!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>"and I get a little starsick/When we talk about love/Cause I don't know a thing about love" </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>                                                                                                              -Maude Latour, Starsick</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looped the tie around his neck, his hands working the black  silk into a gentle knot. He smoothed it out, adjusting it in the bathroom mirror, so that both ends were even. His brown hair was ruffled up, and he wet his hand and patted it down. Finally, the watch. He was terrified of donning it, hoping he wouldn’t scuff up the stainless face. Shinji adjusted his shirt sleeves, trying to make sure he looked as immaculate as possible, the perfect boyfriend to parade around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka pounded on the bathroom door. “Hey, loser! Are you ready to go yet, or are you gonna spend all day grooming and preening?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m coming, I’m coming!” He grumbled back. Shinji huffed a small, exasperated sigh as he shifted the collar of his white button up, taking another moment to give himself a long lookover in the mirror. It was good, he looked really good. Shinji opened the bathroom door, to where Asuka was standing. She was wearing a sleeveless cream colored cocktail dress that went to just below her knees, a black sash tied around her waist. Her red hair was swept away from her shoulders, up into an elegantly arranged chignon.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Finally. You ready to go?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a moment, let me grab my jacket.” She rolled her eyes, but stepped out of the way so Shinji could cross the hallway. As he slipped inside of his room, he tossed a glance over his shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look really nice, Asuka.” He managed to catch the glimpse of a smile, followed by her usual dry ‘Thanks’ as he slipped inside his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Laid over the back of his desk chair was the black jacket Shinji owned, which admittedly he had since his high school years. But it was nice, the material soft and it had been fitted to his precise measurements--one of the only gifts from his father he had received. He shrugged it on and grabbed his wallet, before heading out of his room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka was already by the door, slipping on her heels when he caught up with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ready?” He asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m the one who should be asking that with how long you took to get ready.” Shinji rolled his eyes, and slipped on his dress shoes.They locked up and headed out, and right before they popped onto the street, Shinji shot a quick text to Kaworu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On our way! You’re going to be fantastic, and we can’t wait to watch you play.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Not even a full minute went by before Kaworu’s response came in --a blue heart. Shinji smiled before heading off onto the darkening streets of the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The concert hall had a line out the door to get in. It may have been surprising-- it was a university event after all, but the orchestra was known for its prestige. Shinji was nervously tapping his fingers against his thighs as him and Asuka took their place in line. They had tickets, Kaworu gave them each a complimentary ticket, so it wouldn’t be a problem, Shinji reassured himself. Still, he couldn’t help but shoot his boyfriend a quick message. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We’re in line! Looks really busy, I’m so excited for you. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Unfortunately, to this message, there was no response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think we’re going to get in okay Asuka,” he fretted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course we are. We have tickets don’t we? They can’t turn us away,” his friend retorted. Shinji sighed. She was right, as per usual. Instead, he turned his attention to the bustling crowd, letting his mind wander and mingle with the crowd and their aimless conversation. Slowly but surely, the line shuffled forward, and Shinji finally was able to breathe a sigh of relief when they filed into the concert hall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The main stage was still dark, heavy velvet curtains shielding the performers beyond it from view. Ushers guided the waiting people to seats, and when a young man came up to guide Shinji and Asuka, both were pleasantly surprised when he led them to seats in the dead center of the second row. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Looks like your boyfriend was decent enough to get us good seats,” Asuka muttered softly to Shinji as they settled in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not cheap,” Shinji cried out in indignation. Asuka rolled her eyes and slouched back in her seat, instead choosing to flip through the paper programs. Shinji checked his phone again. Another 20 minutes before the show started. He looked around at the rapidly filling theater. Him and Asuka were already surrounded on both sides by people young and old alike. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your boyfriend is one of the only soloists,” Asuka quipped, bringing Shinji back to reality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, he mentioned he had a solo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He better make it good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He will,” Shinji smiled as he said that, remembering the day at the church and how Kaworu’s music felt like magic, like a waking dream that the two of them had been waltzing through while fully lucid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sound certain over something you have no control over.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have faith in Kaworu and his abilities.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And as he said that, a hush came over the crowd, as the house lights dimmed and the stage lights came up. An announcer spoke through the speakers, asking everybody to please silence their phones and that the concert would begin momentarily. Adrenaline rushed through Shinji, making him giddy and feel electrified. He sent one last purple heart to Kaworu before turning the sound off and turning off his phone. Asuka was much more lax in her approach, but she also put her phone away. Despite her brash approach to most things, Asuka did enjoy the arts. Shinji had seen her listening to the occasional classical piece every now and then, and she would often go to the movies (followed by a night at a bar or club). </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then, a few minutes later, the magic began. In a grandiose motion, the curtains were swept aside and sat in a large half circle around a conductor was the orchestra. Kaworu sat close to the conductor’s podium, his gaze trained with precise focus on the conductor. Yet, somehow he was able to pinpoint Shinji in the crowd, his gaze briefly flickering to Shinji’s as they made eye contact and the white haired boy smiled just quickly enough that nobody but Shinji would catch it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then the performance began. It was amazing the way each player was so finely attuned to one another, how each note was in perfect harmony with one another, and how each musician seemed to move as one unit. They flowed through piece after piece, the sound ringing off the walls and filling the space, moving through the ground and up through to the hearts of every single audience member. Everyone was completely and totally transfixed, so captivated that when the curtain came down announcing the end of the first half of the concert, there was a collective murmur that rippled through the crowd. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Asuka whispered softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Told you it would be good,” Shinji said smugly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s still the solos of the second half,” Asuka quickly said, trying to hide her astonishment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it’ll be better than the first half.” Asuka scoffed, and stood up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to run to the bathroom.” Shinji nodded and took out his phone. He would shower with Kaworu with all his praises after the concert at first, but he had to tell him now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You were incredible, I can’t even imagine how stunning it will be when you take the stage alone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Shinji hit send and settled back to scrolling through his phone during the brief intermission. Asuka came back just before the intermission, and the venue darkened once more as soon as took her seat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Finally,” Shinji hissed under his breath as quiet overtook the crowd. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not my fault,” she complained. “There’s only so many stalls.” Their conversation was quickly cut off by the curtains going back. It was a different set up this time, in the center of the stage stood a single black piano. The stage lights cascading down it made it seem as it was a crystal black pool of water, with rivulets of lights shattering the surface, the white keys simply an extension. Sat on the bench, in his black and white suit sat Kaworu. His white hair was practically glittering, and a look of utter calm and peace had overcome him. He looked like a king, comfortably sat upon his throne. And then he played the first note of the piece--the same Liszt composition from the church. But this time it was completely different, this time it was as if Kaworu were a magician who had hypnotized the entire concert hall under his spell, instead of transporting just Shinji to their own little magical world. The whole concert hall seemed to be holding one collective breath. Kaworu was radiant under the spotlight and Shinji couldn’t help the tears that welled up in his eyes. When the final note was hit with an elegant flourish, thunderous applause rattled the walls of the concert hall, the kind of response that left every nerve humming with the energy of hundreds of others. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t wrong, was I?” Shinji cried over the standing ovations to Asuka. She didn’t respond, and for a moment Shinji thought that she didn’t hear him, but he saw the grin on her face as she clapped enthusiastically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The warm summer night air was a welcome break from the packed performance space and Shinji was resisting the urge to bounce up and down. But the moment he felt the warm hand on his shoulder, he whirled around, throwing his arms around Kaworu in a warm embrace. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were incredible, Kaworu. Beyond words!” Under the pale moonlight and the shock of streetlights, Shinji could see the rare splash of pink that was the unmistakable mark of a rare blush on Kaworu’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Shinji. I’m so glad you and Asuka could come.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not bad, pretty boy,” Asuka muttered from a few feet away. Kaworu looked in her direction and tossed her a playful smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not bad is all I get? I suppose a jaded comment from someone who isn’t an artist may just be the highest honor.” Asuka rolled her eyes, and as Shinji fretted around Kaworu it’s like the night in the rain was mirrored all over again, the three of them fooling around the night ahead of them with no end in sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go out,” Asuka said abruptly. Kaworu and Shinji both blinked slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go out? Now?” Shinji asked. Asuka shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Why not? The night is still young, and so are we. Or are you an old man now that your birthday was yesterday?” Shinji frowned and rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bet Kaworu is exhausted from all the rehearsal and the actual concert,” Shinji argued back as he looked over at his boyfriend. To his surprise Kaworu simply shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be quite honest, I’m fine with going out, I’m still pretty wired from the concert. Unless of course you don’t want to, my love?” Shinji frowned a bit, and shook his head. While he wasn’t necessarily </span>
  <em>
    <span>opposed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to the idea of going out, he just hadn’t expected he would, and he just wanted alone time with Kaworu. It had felt like forever since they had last been together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no I’m fine.” No sooner did he finish that sentence, did Asuka immediately start hopping down the street towards the metro. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go then, the city doesn’t sleep, but it won’t wait forever!” She called over her shoulder. Kaworu and Shinji exchanged a look before hurrying after her into the night, away from the crowds, away from the prestige of the concert, and into the wild thralls of their youth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*** </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three steaming bowls of udon sat before them, and all of the trio felt the dull buzz in their heads and the thrumming of their veins. Kaworu and Shinji had both taken off their blazers and draped them over the back of the chairs. Ties were loosened, a button popped, and napkins desperately used as futile fans in the stifling summer night heat. Sake, beer, and god knows what else had found their way through the bloodstream, and it was Kaworu who had suggested udon, and the other two, desperately hungry, agreed without a second thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a street restaurant, with crammed bar stools for seating underneath a low lit sign above that had red lanterns with kanji symbols painted on them. The chef behind the bar was covered by a thick curtain of smoke, and his voice was drowned out by the din of the world around them--passing people and potential patrons, those who were lost, those who weren’t searching for a place to be, all passing blips of coexistence, hopping from this corner to the next, strangers to never be seen again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It seemed like the quintessential college experience, three friends, two lovers, and one night to be free in the city they lived in, grew up in, came to grow in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t done this in...a very long while,” Shinji said in between massive bites of him slurping up udon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well nobody has had time,” Asuka quipped back, her voice slightly raised so she could be heard above all the noise. Shinji rolled his eyes and slurped up another bite of udon. He felt Kaworu’s touch rest on his thigh, giving him a reassuring squeeze. Shinji looked up, and Kaworu was already looking at him, an easy smile on his face. The glow of the dangling lights cascaded down Kaworu’s face, and Asuka was a hazy glimmer behind him, and for a moment it wasn’t a summer night in Tokyo, but a separate bubble of existence. Shinji returned the affection, his smile and gaze reassuring that everything was fine, that it was all more than perfect. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they finished eating, Asuka stood back up and stretched her arms out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I don’t know about you two, but I’m positively stuffed and sobered up,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you had the most alcohol out of all of us,” Shinji responded as he shrugged his blazer back on, with Kaworu mimicking the motion with his own black coat as he asked “Where to next?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka shrugged. “Why not just walk around?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with nothing else better to do, and the night still young, they paraded into the bustling streets, Kaworu and Shinji’s fingers interlocking, while Asuka went on ahead--almost making it a point to not focus on the couple. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure you don’t want to go home yet?” Shinji murmured to Kaworu so Asuka wouldn’t hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you not having any fun?” His boyfriend looked over at him, and Shinji faltered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m fine. Asuka has just been...off?” He wasn’t sure how else to put it. She had been irritable and snappy, pulling away.  And he wasn’t sure how long this night could last before an argument broke out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I see,” Kaworu said before giving Shinji’s hand a squeeze. “I’ll be sure to check in on her, make sure everything is okay then.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to!” Shinji winced, realizing what that sounded like. “I just don’t want her suspecting we’re pitying her or anything, her reaction will only be worse at that point.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just trust me Shinji.” Kaworu didn’t break away immediately, in fact for the rest of the night he didn’t stray from Shinji at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They went through bars and parks, late night arcades and the never fading glow of city lights. They got all the way home and no word was mentioned to Asuka, who by the time they got home, was positively hammered. All of the walking around had kept Kaworu and Shinji fairly sober, and they weren’t exactly eager to reach for another drink when Asuka had. When the door shut behind them, Asuka turned around to face the two boys. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I bet you’re stayin over tonight,  aren’t you Kaworu” she slurred. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unless you think  I shouldn’t be?” Kaworu asked with raised eyebrows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s whatever,” Asuka said with a wave of her hand as she stumbled down the hallway towards her room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go to bed Shinji, I’ll be there in a bit,” Kaworu muttered into the brown hair boy’s ear as he slipped off after the red haired woman. So this was it, wasn’t it. With a nervous gulp, Shinji sauntered off to his room, knowing he had to trust Kaworu. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t until after Kaworu heard the definitive shut and click of Shinji’s door that he reached out after Asuka and stopped her before she slammed the door to her room in his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asuka,” he said gently. She whirled around at the touch on her shoulder, door to her room half way open. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just want to talk,” Kaworu responded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me?” She scoffed and tried to take another step in, wriggling out from Kaworu’s hand and reaching for the door with her arm. Kaworu stuck his foot out, so the door bounced off it. He pushed his way into the room, before firmly closing the door behind them. Asuka crossed her arms and looked up at him, trying to look intimidating, but the venom in her eyes was masked with the droopiness of alcohol that all but disarmed her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you invade my privacy, and harass me. What is so worth it to do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s been going on with you lately,” Kaworu continued on, unphased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I beg your pardon” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been more than off as of late. Both Shinji and I have noticed it. And we’re worried.” Something flashed across her eyes, a hint of sobriety, a glimmer of anger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s none of your fucking business.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re your friends, Asuka. We care about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Just go to bed or fuck Shinji or whatever.” She tried keeping her voice strong, but it came out with the fortitude of a twig, and she tried bringing her voice up, but it only started to shatter, like hairline cracks across a glass pane. Her nostrils flared slightly, and her chest heaved as her eyes shimmered. He saw the grinding of her jaw, the way she was so desperately trying to maintain her composure, and Kaworu came to the conclusion that there was no point in pushing this topic anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right then,” he said softly. “You can always talk to me if you need anything. I’m not just Shinji’s boyfriend, I’m your friend.” She didn’t respond, but just looked at him balefully and then cast a pointed glance at the door. Kaworu dipped his head politely and headed up, gently closing the door behind him. He threw one more glance back at Asuka before the door shut, her hands balled up into fists as her face was an indecipherable amalgamation of emotions too complex and intermingled to pin down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He rapped twice on Shinji’s door before slipping inside. Shinji had already stripped down to his boxers and was laying in bed. When he saw Kaworu come in, he shifted over on the bed, making room for his boyfriend. Kaworu began undressing, taking out the knot of the tie and carefully unbuttoned each button. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’d it go?” Shinji asked cautiously as he stared up at the silver haired man. Kaworu just sighed in response and gently shook his head. Shinji frowned a bit and when Kaworu finally crawled into bed and threw his arm around Shinji’s shoulders, the brown haired boy gave him a kiss. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for caring, Kaworu.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course, she’s my friend too.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know, but you didn’t have to go out of your way to speak with her. Especially on </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> big night.” Kaworu chuckled. “It’s fine, Shinji, truly. You don’t need to make a big fuss out of nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay… yeah. I love you Kaworu, good night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night, Shinji.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And there, wrapped in each other’s embrace, the two drifted off to sleep, the sensation of the other’s body keeping them grounded through the night, even as they floated off into their dreams. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hehe look at me go, uploading on time! I'm very excited with where this is going, and I only have a few weeks left of my semester, so I can't wait to be able to dedicate more time to this! Thank you again for all the support thus far, seeing everyone's comments and kudos puts such a big smile on my face, you can't even imagine! Also...now that we're pretty well into this would anyone be interested in me making a playlist on Spotify for this?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>"I need a different approach/It's all because I wanna show you that I'm so capable"</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>                                                                              -The Neighbourhood, "Nervous"</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s broken.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The air conditioning fucking broke.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji was sitting at his desk, scribbling half heartedly at an assignment. July had crept in, and it was off to a great start, considering Asuka had burst into his room, her hair tied up and looking miserable as she announced the failing of the cooling system. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well...do you want to go out and buy a fan?” Shinji said with a sigh as he wheeled his chair back from the desk.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we should get away,” Asuka said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh? It’s just a broken A/C,” Shinji responded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s just about summer vacation, so what’s the harm in going on vacation?” Shinji sat there gaping for several moments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t break the ac just so you could convince me to go on vacation, did you?” Asuka glowered at him, and Shinji immediately shrank back. “Sheesh it was just a joke! Kind of…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka rolled her eyes. “Whatever, I’m just trying to suggest a vacation, you don’t have to get all defensive and hissy.” Shinji shook his head, trying to shrug her off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyways, where would you even want to go? The beach?” Asuka paused, then shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. We haven’t been to the house in a while.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was at that moment Shinji was fairly certain that he had a heart attack. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The house</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His childhood home, which he hadn’t been in since..well since high school graduation. He hadn’t even bothered going home for the holidays for the past few years. A happy family Christmas wasn’t necessarily a concept he was familiar with--or even interested in trying to construct. It would all be fake anyways, his father was never interested in any deep father-son bond, his mother dead, and his sister Rei. She was rather...well she seemed estranged from everybody. Gendo and Rei always seemed to have some sort of bond that Shinji and him never had. Maybe it was because she was the only daughter and that their mother had died when the two of them were barely a year old. They were more or less nine months apart, with Shinji being the older one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite this, he always felt distanced from his quiet type sister. She never seemed to like to get close to anyone, firmly walking her own path, and only hanging around Shinji and Asuka because Shinji wanted to at least try to include his sister, even though Asuka’s distaste for her was palpable whenever they were anywhere near each other.  When he was younger he desperately fought to maintain some semblance of a happy family, but by the start of middle class, it was clear that that would never happen. So by the time high school graduation came and everyone went their separate ways, Shinji and Rei slowly fell out of contact, not with bitter feelings or sordid goodbyes, but the way that relationships that were forged from proximity do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Th-the house?” He choked out. Asuka knew very well his history, hell she lived through most of it alongside him, yet somehow she didn’t seem fazed by so brazenly asking this. She just raised her eyebrows, as if Shinji’s reaction was somehow out of this world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes the house. As in, your family’s home. With working air, and one that’s far away enough from the inner city that we can get a proper vacation.” Shinji blew out an exasperated breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll have to think about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s there to think about?” Asuka crossed her arms, and Shinji jutted his chin out glaring back at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I don’t know. The fact that I’d be speaking to my estranged father for the first time in who knows how long, and it would be asking to just randomly live there for no reason. Besides, I don’t think my boss would be too happy if I took off in the middle of the month, leaving them understaffed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wouldn’t be for any longer than like two weeks!” Asuka protested. </span>
</p><p><span>“If you want it so bad, why don’t you ask him yourself?</span> <span>!” Shinji retorted, frustration building up. </span></p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I will,” she spat back before marching down the hall and out of sight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji groaned and rubbed at his face. He hadn’t meant to get so worked, he didn’t even realize that the notion of home would procure such a volatile reaction out of him. It had been years, and he thought by this point he could address his past with some sort of casual flippancy. He started to reach towards his cell phone, wanting to message Kaworu, when he drew his hands back. This was a pile of worms that he wasn’t ready to even crack open with Kaworu, something he didn’t want to bring him down with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He supposed there was one person he could talk to, </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> talk to about it. While he may not have had the guts to talk to his father, it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to talk to his sister, Their last two conversations, really their only two conversations for the year were ‘Happy Birthday’. The most recent one being his birthday, and then back at the end of March for Rei. There were no ‘how are you?’s  and ‘I miss you’s, just the expected formal pleasantries. Taking a deep breath he typed out the first proper message he had sent to Rei in months. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hi Rei. How are you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Shinji hit send and immediately set his phone down. He decided that he wouldn’t even be disappointed if she never responded. Surprisingly though, his phone was quick to vibrate with a response.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shinji. Hello. I’m well, and you? </span>
  </em>
  <span>It was as if she were speaking to her boss at work. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m good, yeah. Well the air conditioning just went out at our apartment which sucks, but other than that I’m fine. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hit send, and secretly was awaiting another quick response, but as the minutes stretched into a quarter of an hour, half an hour, 45 minutes, he realized she probably wouldn’t message him again. That was the thing about Rei, she would never initiate or try to continue a conversation. You had to be direct with her, open the door to conversation and wriggle the words away from her. Shinji frowned and reached for his phone, knowing he’d have to be the one to continue the conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Listen, speaking of which. Are you at the house, with dad? I’m not sure if you still live at home. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And once more, the wait time for the next response was brief. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I do still live with Father. Why?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh uh. If Asuka and I were to come down and visit over summer break would that be okay? </span>
  </em>
  <span>There was a slightly longer pause between responses, and the whole time Shinji stared at his screen, watching the three gray dots pop up, pop down, pop up. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wouldn’t it be more fruitful to talk to Father about that subject matter?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Well that’s the thing, I wanted to talk to you about it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why me? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because...I dunno. I feel like talking to dad about it would be counterproductive. Could you ask him? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes. But I still think you should ask him directly. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thanks. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Of course Asuka’s scheme led him back into this situation, with him having to take care of everything himself, even if he had no particular interest in doing so. Shinji stood up and shoved his phone in his back pocket and went off to go find Asuka. He dipped out of his room and into the hallway, and called out her name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Asuka?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” She hollered back from the living room, several times louder than she needed to be. Shinji winced and padded out to the main area. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I messaged Rei, asking if it would be okay if we came to stay at the house for a while,” he said. Asuka looked back at him. “She said she would ask our dad, and that I should probably speak to him directly about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you probably should, dumbass. Think about how nice a vacation would be, god it feels like it’s been </span>
  <em>
    <span>ages</span>
  </em>
  <span> since I last got to go anywhere nice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She seemed to be back to her normal self at least, Shinji noted to himself as she rambled on about how badly she wanted to have an enjoyable summer. Kaworu had never truly divulged the details of what happened when he tried talking to her that one night, and Shinji had never pressed. Asuka had become a master at sealing off her true sentiments over the years, and she was a hard one to crack. He hadn’t had any expectations of Kaworu breaking through her shell, and Asuka wasn’t radically different after that conversation several weeks back, so he wasn’t sure if she was actually better, or if it was the fact that having somebody get so close to seeing her true self terrified her, so she clammed up all the harder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right, yeah, so keep me in the loop.” Shinji snapped back to the conversation, dazed after zoning out for so long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yeah, definitely,” he stuttered out before heading back to his room. Looks like he would end up having to ask his boss for time off either way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He happened to be working that night, so Shinji figured he would err on the side of caution and let his boss know that he would probably be taking a vacation at some point soon. He sighed as he smoothed out his work clothes and gave his hair one more brush through. As much as he wanted a getaway from the city, the steady paychecks were incredibly nice. Not only did he feel like he was gaining from independence from his father’s finances, but it also provided some extra spending money that he could spend on Kaworu and himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He headed out into the summer evening, hands in pockets when he felt his phone start to vibrate with the familiar hum of his ringtone. Who would be calling him now? Both Kaworu and Asuka knew he had work at this hour, and Rei wasn’t the type to call. With furrowed brows, he took his phone out of his pocket, only to nearly drop it in shock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There, lighting up the phone screen, was a phone call from his father. How long had it been since he had heard his father’s voice, had a proper conversation with him? Not for either of their birthdays, not the holidays, not the anniversary of his mother’s passing. No occasion was special enough to have warranted a phone call from the stoic man, which only sent ice cold fear cascading through his veins. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” Shinji said, trying to draw up the strength in his voice so as not to sound shaken. Even though his father couldn’t see him, he had no doubt the man would immediately be able to see through any hint of weakness shown. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Father. It’s been a while.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I spoke to Rei today.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So brazen, so sure of himself it was no surprise he would just breeze past any question Shinji would ask him. But of course, this call probably meant that Rei had wasted no time in relaying the information to their father, not trusting Shinji to take the initiative to tell their father himself. Which, in all fairness, she was probably correct in that assumption. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, yeah. I did text her earlier today. What did she say to you?” Shinji purposely tried to keep it vague. He learned long ago to keep his cards close to his chest when dealing with his father. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t see the point in repeating a conversation we are both very well aware of,” Gendo responded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen, Dad. I’m on the way to work. Could we talk later? I already promised Rei I’d talk to you, and here I am now, promising to talk to you later about it. ” Shinji was desperate for an escape. He had frozen in the middle of the street when he had gotten the phone call, and now he was hurrying along, trying to make it to work on time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was no response from his father at that moment, and Shinji took the liberty to end the call himself, hands shaking as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket. He hadn’t expected to be thrown off course so violently and unexpectedly. He took a shaky breath, knowing he didn’t have the liberty of letting himself slip up right before his job. Shinji knew if he tried to talk to Kaworu at this point he wouldn’t be able to keep it together so he plastered on his customer service smile and headed into the shop. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Koji was already sitting at the counter and he greeted Shinji with a grunt. Over the past couple of months the two had developed a sort of...rough kinship. Koji was Shinji’s mentor at work, and he had begrudgingly taken that role even further. He very much continued with his tough love attitude, but the two had a silent work friendship, where they could always cover a shift for each other, help each other out when the line got a little too long, and Koji would even stay when Shinji was closing to make sure he would be able to get home okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji nodded back and immediately slipped into the backroom, figuring Koji wouldn’t question it if he were to say he was restocking. It lended itself the perfect opportunity to text--he paused as he entered the freezing backroom. Would Asuka even pity him if he texted her? Rei would be ambivalent, and something in his gut told him this was a conversation to hold with Kaworu at a much later time. But he still couldn’t help but reach his hand down in his pocket, let his hand linger over his phone as he debated what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shinji! Come take over the register!” Koji yelled out from the store. Shinji cursed under his breath before yelling back “Yes, I’m coming!” Looks like the decision was made for him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Koji, how do I talk to the manager about putting in a time off request?” The older man looked up from where he was counting cash at the register. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You going somewhere?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. Well at least, not yet. But I just wanted to be prepared, so I wouldn’t miss my chance, or inconvenience you or anyone else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, there are forms in the manager’s office. If you fill one out and leave it on her desk, she’ll see it and you’ll know if it’s been accepted or not.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, thanks.” Shinji figured he’d grab a paper before he headed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suggest doing it sooner rather than later, everybody wants to leave town for Summer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you Koji.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The clock inched closer to midnight, and it was clear to see that there were no passer bys  on the street. Shinji went up to the window, where the flashing ‘open sign’ blinked on and off, trying to attract the stray wanderer to come in and he shut it off. It was good enough, and besides if anybody did try to wander in at that point, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to maintain his composure long enough to serve them without snapping at the rudeness of them marching in minutes before the shop closed up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With the store now safely free from wanting customers, Shinji slipped into the back office, where he saw different forms organized neatly into a plastic divider. He glanced through them, and when he found the one he was looking for, he took one of the sheets. He was about to head out, when he paused staring at the form. Truth be told, he had very much so compartmentalized the earlier conversation with his father, and as he stood here staring at the time off request form everything came rushing back. He took a shaky break, sending a silent prayer of thanks that it was far too late to call Gendo back and that that made it perfectly justifiable as to why he didn’t have to continue the earlier conversation that evening. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was still some cleaning up to do around the store, shelves to be restocked and the like, but it hadn’t been too busy, allowing time for Koji to start locking up early. Shinji dropped the sheet with the rest of his things in the locker and milled around in the back, going through his mental checklist of responsibilities. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So where are you thinkin about running off to?” said the familiar voice of Koji. Shinji jumped a bit, startled by the intrusion of his coworker’s voice in the silent pool of his thoughts. Koji had come in to grab some boxes of chips while Shinji took inventory. He was just about done for the night, and more than anything just wanted to get out and go home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh just...visiting family,” Shinji replied, hoping that the vagueness would keep prying questions away. Unfortunately, luck was not on his side. As Koji scanned the stock for what he was searching for, he kept talking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s good to keep visiting your family while you’re young, while you still can.” Shinji nodded in agreement. Koji wasn’t the type to ramble on senselessly, so Shinji prayed that this conversation would wrap up soon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I’m just waiting to verify a few things.” And thankfully he managed to note the last thing in inventory, allowing him to find an escape from the conversation. He turned to Koji, who was picking up a box from the lowest shelf. “Do you need help stocking anything Koji?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“If you could grab another box of canned coffee, that’s the last thing.” Shinji nodded once and then went to grab a box of coffee. The faster this was all done, the better. And luckily, it really didn’t take long. And by half past midnight, Shinji and Koji were walking down the quiet night streets. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight Koji, thank you for your hard work,” Shinji said as they approached the intersection where they would normally part ways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight Shinji, the same goes to you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka was asleep by the time he got home, which he expected her to be, but he still wished he could talk to her about what happened. He quietly shut the door behind and fell into his bed, still in uniform. He dug his phone out of his back pocket. There weren’t any big notifications missed. All quiet from the end of his family, and Kaworu’s usual message of wishing him a good shift. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you awake and able to talk?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He didn’t have to wait unbearably long before the response came in. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Go ahead. Is everything okay?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Shinji was dialing Kaworu’s number, letting the comfort of his boyfriend’s voice wash over him with that first ‘Hello?’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kaworu. Hi, how are you honey?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good, but how are you, is everything okay?” Kaworu’s worry didn’t show up in the upfront panic that Shinji’s normally manifested in. Kaworu always kept a calm and steady demeanor, but he would always ask questions in regards to Shinji’s state of being and keep probing until he got an answer he was satisfied with. So there really was no point in lying to him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m...well it’s complicated.”  And he launched into the retelling of his conversation with Asuka and the eventual lead up to the phone call with his father. “My father and I, we don’t really talk. He was paying for most things in my life until I got the job, but we just...my whole life it’s been odd? I thought when I was younger that he would change. But I realize now, I’ve never been anything more than a responsibility to him. One that he felt didn’t need anything more than the bare minimum.”  Kaworu listened to it all very patiently, simply replying with “Ah’s” , ‘Mms” and “I see’s” until Shinji was done. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you looking to repair your relationship with your father?” Shinji paused, slightly knocked off the guard at the question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a little too late for that, isn’t it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you think that?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m an adult now. An adult he hasn’t spoken to in years, and really just called to see if I’d be occupying a room in his house. I’m just baggage to him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Kaworu didn’t press it, didn’t argue it. He simply helped Shinji verbalize his thoughts and move on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And of course my dad doesn’t even know we’re dating--and would he even accept you? I mean, it’s not like I care, it’s my life and I love you, but I don’t want to have to keep you hidden.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, my love slow down.  You don’t need answers to those questions right now, even if you want them it isn’t the most productive to dive down that rabbit hole right now.” Shinji let out a tired exhale. As per usual, his boyfriend was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know the protocol for these situations. I’ve never really experienced anything this serious.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither, that’s why we’re figuring it out together.” Shinji smiled, and he could practically hear it on Kaworu’s face too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think the real reason I don’t want to go home is because I don’t want to have to willingly not be around you for almost two weeks.” Kaworu chuckled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re allowed to have fun, Shinji.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure this situation qualifies as fun,” he grumbled in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You deserve to have fun.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you Kaworu. So do you, I hope we get to have a vacation together soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I as well. But is everything else okay? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yeah. I’m fine otherwise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.”        </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shinji took a moment of silence, still marvelling at how even a brief conversation with his boyfriend always seemed to set his head back on right. He couldn’t figure out how he got so lucky. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright Kaworu. I won’t keep you up any longer. I love you, have a good night.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I love you too Shinji, but you don’t have to apologize for wanting to talk to me, especially about your troubles. Now have a good night’s rest.” And with that they hung up. Shinji sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Now all that was left was to talk to Asuka and fill out the time request form. And, at some point, return the call to his father. But that was tomorrow Shinji’s problem. Tonight, he just wanted to sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> <span>***</span></p><p>
  <span>Bright sunlight and the already warm morning air brought Shinji awake. Somehow, he had forgotten to close his blinds the day before and now to his chagrin, he had to be woken up far before noon. He lay there for as long as he could, hoping he could fall back asleep, but there was too much running through his wired brain to allow him to rest peacefully. He checked the time on his phone. 9 AM on Tuesday. Asuka would most likely be home. He still sent her a text asking if she was, and that he wanted to talk. A few moments after he sent that, he got his response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In my room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a groan, Shinji sat up and rubbed his face. He swung his legs out of bed and sat there for a moment, contemplating all the decisions he had made in his life up until this moment. Then he forced himself to get dressed, went to the bathroom and washed up, and found himself standing outside Asuka’s door. He knocked and waited for her to open the door, and she did. Asuka stood in the doorway, still in her pajamas, with her arms crossed and foot tapping impatiently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well? What is it?” Shinji didn’t even roll his eyes, it wasn’t anything usual to get this kind of attitude from her so early in the morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s about the trip. I figured we should set dates aside so I can get the time off work approved ahead of time. Plus,” and he paused, gathering himself. “My dad called me yesterday to talk about. He heard from Rei.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this Asuka did seem slightly surprised. She raised her eyebrows and looked him over before stepping aside, motioning for Shinji to enter her room. He obliged, and sat himself down on her desk chair, and she sat across from him at the edge of bed. Absentmindedly, Shinji began turning side to side while his childhood friend spoke. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re handling this rather well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I already spoke to Kaworu about it last night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what did he say? Anything sympathy for your raging daddy issues?” Shinji exhaled through his nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As if you don’t have them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me? You know damn well I’m much more of the mommy issue flavor.” At that, he couldn’t help but snort. Asuka really had grown and changed over the years. Where once that was a point he wouldn’t have made because it would have sparked a war between them, now they could make jabs at each other for their partially processed traumas. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He told me not to stress it. That I don’t need to form a relationship with my father if I don’t want to, and that I deserve a vacation.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See, you should listen to your boyfriend more. I agree that I need to get out of town.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He wasn’t--never mind.” Asuka smiled sweetly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The vacation was my idea, so really, inadvertently he is agreeing with me that a vacation is a good idea. We should go in a couple of weeks. Around the 20th, right when the semester ends.” Shinji shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, that’s fine and all, but you’re still leaving it to me to talk to my dad?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> father after all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it’s your idea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And? It’s his house.”  She really could be absolutely impossible at times. Shinji got out of the chair and headed towards the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll talk to him later. And I’ll submit my time off request at work then.” Asuka flopped back down onto her bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut the door on your way out?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah yeah.” And Shinji left, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One more small, intimidating, definitely not terrifying task left to do. Which was to call his father. He would probably be at work, but there was no way Shinji could manage holding off until that evening to talk. He had to do it now while he had the nerve. So once he was back in the comfort of his room and sat on the bed, Shinji dialed his father. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were several long rings, and Shinji was prepared to give up when on the seventh tone, the line was picked up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Son.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi dad. Sorry I didn’t call back last night. I got off work late.” There was no response from his father on that so Shinji continued. “I.. um.. I talked it over with Asuka. We were wondering if we could come stay over around the 20th? Maybe like..10 days or something?” His heart was hammering in his chest and he couldn’t even figure out why. It was so infuriating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine. I’ll see you then, but I have work to do now. ” And the line went dead. Shinji sat there, staring at his phone until the screen went black. His father seemed so determined to speak to him the previous night, but he was so curt and cold now. Did he just want Shinji to acknowledge him? To still be under his thumb? It’s not like he cared about that earlier. It seemed that there would always be dozens of questions buzzing through Shinji’s head, dozens of questions that would never get answers. He would always be floating through his life, between people, getting sucked down the drain without explanations until somebody cared enough to fill him. But somehow he had become apathetic towards it. He had gotten used to it, and while it still tugged at him, it didn’t bug him as much as it used to. The only thing he could hope for now, is for the trip home to be quiet and uneventful, that no arguments would break out and that for once in his life, something could go as planned. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My apologies for not uploading last week! I have two and a half weeks of the semester left and I wanted to make sure I upload quality content, not just quantity. I figured taking an extra week to provide you this longer chapter would have been better than rushing it. Thank you all for your continued support! ANDDDDD I technically have broken novel length??? That BAFFLES me. Who knew all it took was a few gays from a 90s anime to get me to write this much.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here it is! My first 'official' fanfiction since the dark days of fanfiction.net  I really hope you all enjoy and that my characterization isn't too bastardized! I first watched NGE over this past summer and I fell in love with the characters. What struck me the most is how much it is about their relationships and growing up as it is about being a monsterfucker--I mean saving the world from the apocalypse. I could rant about how much I love how well written each character is for hours, but I will spare all of you! I'm so excited that I'm finally managing to upload this right before Christmas (Christmas Eve to be exact). I've been touch and go with this fan fiction since mid-July and I finally decided to buckle down and write it. I'm a few chapters ahead to give myself a cushion, so for now I think there will be about a chapter a week! Happy Holidays everyone! &lt;3 </p>
<p>-Puff</p></blockquote></div></div>
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